I feel like it's pretty apparent to everyone that follows my stream and my social media that my mental/physical health isn't in the right place.
I haven't really enjoyed Overwatch in a long time. In fact after ELeague in Atlanta playing the game and trying to be a better player already became a drag. Tournament play is fun to some extent because I really love my teammates and enjoy their company and I really really want to meet and exceed their expectations of me even though I might not express it directly. Quitting completely is not an option.
"I really want to keep playing. I want to be the best. I want to win more."
Those lines keep repeating in my head every night and I think of the game to no end while I suffer from insomnia. "How cool would it be do this play. Clutch like that. Win a tournament because of a clutch play or call like this." Every single night.
I feel like I'm too invested. Gave up a lot of really important things from my past life to achieve this. I have played video games competitively for over 20 thousand hours with a mindset that I want to win and become famous like those Starcraft players I admired back when I was a kid. And those who sparked the interest of being a pro gamer in me.
I have zero interest in pursuing another career or be anything else than being a pro gamer in my life. Nothing.
From the last 9 months or so I've almost spent 7 in a hotel in Korea. One month in my apartment in America and 3 or so weeks @ Finland. Week of that was spent with my close family.
I realize that this isn't healthy. I really objected heavily against going back to Korea for the third time for Season 3 but everyone in my team really really really wanted to go back and win this tournament so I of course didn't wanna leave them hanging and I still don't want to no matter how hard it is to enjoy being here and play this game.
Even after Season 1 I already felt exhausted. I turned into heavy alcohol usage to cope with it. In hindsight that was the worst thing I could have done. I have gained a lot of weight back which I already had lost. Stopped working out and ate really really unhealthy for the longest time. Trying to cope with stress with substance abuse whatever it may be is the worst you can do to yourself. I learned that the hard way.
Anyway TL;DR: My mental health is bad, it made me unhealthy physically too which snowballs into an even worse mental state and only thing that keeps me going forward right now is my hyper competitive nature. And my teammates.
I have and will continue working hard to win this fucking tournament. Now and after the tournament I will focus on my own well being so I can keep on being a pro gamer and achieve my dreams or at least be content with the fact that I fucking tried. With all my might.
Later on I really want to post a comprehensive list of what I would Blizzard to work on Overwatch to make it a truly better game in multiple ways. That might be tomorrow or next week who knows. For now this shall be enough.
Thanks for reading guys and gals.