exactly a year ago, a content creator i trusted as a long time friend, former teammate, and even role model did something terrible to me. i have been scared to tell anybody and i pretended everything was fine until now.
last year i was invited to Kerry (FaZe Mew)’s house to participate in a subathon he was hosting and i was a surprise guest. he flew me to texas and i was vlogging content for my own channel. that vlog never went up.
pre subathon, he was praising my content, my streams, work ethic, he was dropping me raids, inviting me to play games with him. telling his stream how he saw me as a huge role model for him, how i helped him break into streaming and how he’d watch my streams before he even started his own. Telling everyone how he loved my content. i was excited to go down there and network with other creators, his friends, and make videos with everybody at his content house.
fast forward to the last night i was there, we all went to a club. it was everyone at the house and some other content creators who went with us. Leo, bailey, niko were the few I could really remember. At this point, there was no signals i got from Mew that he liked me or anything the entire week I was there. It was completely professional up until the point where he started buying me drinks. It didn’t seem like he was doing this for anybody else except me and i just assumed it was because maybe i was the surprise guest for his subathon and that i would be made at home (?) that’s how i interpreted it. i dont know how many drinks he gave me that night. i was dancing with the other girls and getting over my social anxiety and trying to socialize and make friends with everyone. there was a point where i started realizing how drunk i was but he kept handing me more drinks as soon as I finished another and i kept drinking because i just wanted to have a good time. To me, i was with good people and people i could trust.
The rest of the night is a blur. My memory of it was it all happened so fast. I remember being told when I was already super drunk that he said he had always liked me and had a crush on me. It hurt a little, to think that i was there because of other reasons and not because of content. it especially hurt that he would wait to tell me something like that when im extremely drunk and he wasn’t. That when I was drunk that would be the time he would shoot his shot. He wasn’t drinking like me though. i remember being asked what i thought of him. and i answered honestly. “we’re just friends… we are long time friends because of gaming.” i dont remember what happened after that but he stuck close to me for the rest of the night. I was so drunk i could barely walk. He carried me on his back when i needed to find a bathroom after we left the club. When I got worried that we might not find our way back to the car and that I didn’t know where we were, he assured me he was sober and that I could trust him to take care of me. I filmed a LOT of videos of us during that walk from the club. We even had a heart to heart talking about content. That’s why I was there. I opened up about my personal struggles with streaming and consistency, i was bawling my eyes out about how i was failing my own community. I thought Mew would be the perfect person to go to this about, because he’s a content creator too and could relate. Despite being told what i was told earlier, about his crush on me, that maybe we could just forget about it. And keep talking about streaming and videos.
When we got home, i was absolutely wasted at this point. I texted my friends that night things that could barely be deciphered. All i wanted to do when we got back was go outside and feel the orbeez in the pool from after the subathon and I wanted to look at the stars. That’s all i wanted to do. He said he’d come with me and followed me outside. I remember i was still crying about gaming and content. even more this time. (I cry a lot when I drink.) the next thing i remember was him kissing me. i was confused about it but i did kiss him back and thought whatever about it. He didn’t kiss me for too long, he went straight to groping my body and being rough about it. It was weird. It was very weird like some power thing. Again, he was sober and I was not all there. I’m pretty sure I gave consent. But I was drunk. But I don’t remember how we got to his room but I knew we had sex. The fact I dont remember much of it is the upsetting part. He hurt me during it, it was painful and he was not gentle with me. He degraded me during it and i felt ashamed. Mostly because I can’t even remember what I did. I just knew it happened. I never wanted anybody to know what happened because i was embarrassed i let someone do those things to me. So I just tried to forget it even happened.
The next day i remember he was asking me over and over if i “regret it” type questions, and he apologized to me and i don’t remember why. But he apologized to me. All I knew was that we had sex and it was not great. That morning he was telling me that I consented the night before and I just agreed with him that I did. Okay, I did then. I told myself it was my decision. I kept telling myself over and over that it was my decision that I made and not him. And it was okay. And everything would be okay. Even though none of that was okay.
He made me swear to keep it between us. That was fine with me because i didnt want anybody to ever know. I decided to forget any of that happened. It was my way of coping with it, just forget, pretend, continue being his friend, focus on my vlog. focus on filming and streaming.
Mew started love bombing me after that night. When i went home, he sent me home with a couple of gifts, then started sending lots of stuff to my house randomly. Things like flowers, chocolate, snacks, teddy bears, plushies, etc for the next few weeks.
He kept pressing me to reassure him that I did consent that night. He would not drop it. He needed to get it in writing, or something. Like he was feeling guilty about what he did. I still have texts of him saying “I know I’m asking this for the 4th time, but you have no regrets about that night right?” long after that night. He kept asking me for reassurance that what he did was okay which was so weird to me. He’d asked me over text and over the phone multiple times. He needed proof so badly for some reason. That’s not normal, right? If you did nothing wrong in the first place…
Anyways, It made me uncomfortable all the gifts he was sending to my house. He had my address and sent them as surprises. I never asked for anything. I started to feel in debt to his kindness. I kept talking to him over text, pretending it was all okay, because I wanted it to be okay. But I still felt gross about myself. I thought if I tried to talk to him romantically or try to produce feelings for him like that, then it would make what happened okay, and our hook up wouldn’t feel icky or weird anymore. If you could call it a hook up. One I barely remember. He asked to take me out on a date and I agreed. But I never saw him again after that because I ghosted him. Because I was uncomfortable and apart of something I never wanted to be apart of from the start.
That night I was drunk and he had sex with me, he was in a relationship at the time. I didn’t know that. He cheated on his girlfriend that night to do what he did. I didn’t know this until a few weeks ago.
We talked for about a month afterwards and during that month I kept giving excuses, that I’m too busy to talk, too busy with college and my job even though it was a lie. It just felt weird to talk to someone who I’d always seen as a friend, to try to talk to them like we were actually “talking”. “Talking” to someone because of what happened that night, not because I felt something towards him. I don’t know why I did this. I just so badly wanted things to be okay, I wanted to still be his friend. I wish I would’ve came to my senses sooner.
I knew if I had been sober that night, none of that would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have had sex with him. I know I wouldn’t make that decision sober. I didn’t like him like that. I never did. He was supposed to be my friend.
I cut it off slowly and I completely stopped texting him and I moved on with my life.
I would get sent clips from his stream where he would “talk shit” about me on his streams saying he was talking to a girl who just used him for clout and money. Which confuses me because none of that was true. Even with saying those things about me, he would still come to my streams afterward, raid me, donate money to me, give me attention I never asked for.
Fast forward to January, a few months after the subathon, and months after I had not said a word to him.
This was when VERY serious allegations from other women started to arise about Mew online. My name was mentioned in these allegations. I started getting scared because I never told anybody about that night, only him and his roommates knew what happened. I went to him about it, and he acted confused on how my name would even pop up. I still have the voice recordings he sent me about it. He told me to not worry about what they were saying and assured they were just “crazy and like, soooo obsessed with me”.
Those girls were accusing him of very serious things. All with similar stories to the one I have. He brushed it off to me as nothing. He twisted the story to make it sound like they’re all lying and just jealous of him, wanting to bring him and his success down. He tried his best to sound like a good guy, like he cared about their wellbeing. It was just a facade. He wanted to keep appearing to be the good guy in all this.
He went private on his socials and said something about suing them for defamation. I stayed out of it.
For the next year, I lied to myself about what happened to me. I didn’t want any of that to be true. I wanted him to be my friend. I wanted to be friends with someone like him, he’s in FaZe, he has his own content house, he has a dedicated fandom. He’s charismatic, he’s good at talking to people. Something I’m not very good at and I looked up towards. He promised me he’d help me with my content and my streams, he promised me he’d help me become a better creator, giving me tips to grow such as liking lots of random tweets with keywords to get people to follow you. To grow inorganically. I tried it once and then never again. It felt fake. I couldn’t do it. He promised me he’d always be there for me if I needed it. He promised he’d be my friend. There was always something dishonest about him. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even when the cameras were off, he talked like he was still on camera. I could never trust him. He was always a victim, everything that came out of his mouth would be about how everyone is so evil and how every girl always breaks his heart, every friend always breaks his trust. That he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve any of this. In my gut I knew something was off about him with the way he talked about himself and other people, especially women. That’s why I kept my distance after that. I was just there because I didn’t want my name being brought up anymore. I wanted to just stay neutral and not be involved. All I cared about was my own content, my own name and not his giant circle of drama he brought onto himself. I stayed away. I stayed silent.
The next time I saw him was at the airport when I was invited to the COD event. He switched his flight to meet me at the airport. I thought it would be okay but I felt uneasy. I wanted things to be okay with us again. I’ve only seen him twice before. This was before I knew in detail about his other allegations. I unfollowed him as soon as I found out about them which was days ago.
A month ago, he wrote a song about me ghosting him.
Initially, my ego loved it. I felt cool. I felt special enough to be mentioned even after all this time. I couldnt exactly make out what the lyrics were, just that he said I was pretty and stuff. I never talked to him about it though, and he never talked to me about it. Until I listened to it. The parts where he’d call me a “little freak”, which I felt was bold to say about someone who can’t even remember anything about that night except how it hurt.
Around this time I stopped lying to myself and relived that night. And I cried. For a really long time. Because I had been keeping it to myself.
Then I started doing research. I decided to look into his old allegations from earlier that year from the other girls to see if it matched up with what I went through. I reached out to his ex first. They did not come to me first. I went to them for help. I went to them for answers. I wanted to know what happened to those girls. I wanted to know if he did to them what did to me. And he did worse things I didn’t even know about until now. But very similar.
And it made me start to feel sick. I reread my journal about that night. I felt numb. It wasn’t how I remembered in my head. But it was out there on paper. It was like I was preyed on. Waited until I was vulnerable and struck when I was drunk and bawling my eyes out. I’ve been told his roommates made a pact together after I left promising to say nothing happened between us. They knew what happened. And they promised to lie about it for Mew.
I am so disappointed in that entire house. For letting him do whatever he wants to women and help him twist stories to make him a victim. Most of all I’m disappointed in Hawky, one of my former mods and friends who was there that night and made that “pact”. They watched Mew take me back to his room when I was wasted. And made that pact to protect him.
And now I know I wasn’t the only girl he’d done this to in that house. And my story isn’t even that bad compared to the other girls because I at least remember having sex. Not all of us can say that. Though that does not diminish what happened to me. I trusted him and I trusted everyone in that house.
When I heard Shorty was moving in, I should’ve listened to my gut when I started worrying about her moving into his content house. I was scared for what might happen to her even though I wouldn’t talk to myself about why that is. Why I might feel that way. I should’ve asked myself why I was worried. Thankfully, she’s in a relationship and never had anything to worry about.
I am disappointed in everybody at his content house for letting this happen to us and sweeping it under the rug. Sweeping all the other allegations he had against him under the rug. Making a pact and focusing on how to save his reputation online and not make things okay with those he hurt in the process.
But those stories are not mine to tell. If the other girls want to come forward, they have my support 1000%. If they need someone else to tell their story, I will back them. I will put everything I have made for myself as Ashtronova on the line for these women. I’ll take the hit for doing what’s right. I don’t care about anything else. I need all of this to be brought into the light. I feel so guilty for not believing them sooner and sticking to his side when his exes tried to come forward before. Everything those girls said online ended up being true. Everything. We have been putting our pieces together and finally seeing the full picture for ourselves.
I have been terrified to come out and tell everyone my story. I’ve even been lying to my own friends and saying nothing happened between him and I. But I think the worst part of this is that my story isn’t the last story you’ll hear.
His behavior is a pattern. When I found out me and the other girls share similar almost exact stories, something broke in me. I have to do something about it. I refuse to be scared of him and what he’ll do to make it all go away any longer.
I wrote this earlier before I went to class.
I wanted to make an edit.
Mew doesn’t know what I’m going to say. He only knows I’ve unfollowed him and followed 2 of his exes. And with that information, he spent the next 28 hours editing a video titled Allegations.mp4. This picture of him editing has since been deleted.
I followed these girls first. I came to my own conclusions. His “crazy, obsessed” exes had nothing to do with that. I went to them for help. And they told me things I will not repeat here because they’re not my stories to tell.
I find it gross that he filmed us without my consent. That he needed to get proof. I find it odd that he felt he needed to get proof of that. Like he was preparing his “proof” before he did anything. There’s so many red flags to how he reacts about getting my consent and how he badly needed concrete proof of it. As if I was in a state where it would be questioned. And if I could even remember consenting as well.
His reaction to that has me questioning many things. It’s almost like he wants to remove me from the equation because I am the pathway to letting these girls speak their truths. That’s why he’s coming for me and not them. He silenced them a long time ago. He’s milking this for content and it’s disgusting. I will speak my truth no matter the repercussions, I’m willing to put everything, my reputation, everything I’ve built for myself on the line because this can’t keep getting swept under the rug, we will be heard. We’re telling our stories. This isn’t content. This isn’t funny. This is serious and I’m disappointed it’s being treated as a piece of content and hyped up as a video.