Regarding the allegation
you may or may not have heard of KiKicsgo’s “sexual assault” allegations regarding me and I feel the need to write a full response. First of all, I will respond directly to KiKi’s Twitlonger and then go more into detail about the context of this all.
To start off, I want to say that I will go into detail about the incident and that there is nothing I won’t talk about openly, but it is a sensitive matter after all and KiKi obviously feels hurt, which is why I want to speak out a trigger warning for anyone reading this.
My goal with this is not to invalidate KiKi’s experience. I understand that she must have felt uncomfortable in one way or another if she feels the need to make a Twitlonger. Although what happened that night can never be classified as sexual assault, I cannot downplay her personal understanding of that evening.
Before this bootcamp, KiKi and I had been really flirty with each other. During our “wine nights”, where our team video chatted while drinking some wine, she has implied many times that she was interested in me (all the Ambush teammates were present). All of this is why I even built up the courage to ask her to make out with me, combined with the fact that we had already made-out one day prior to this in front of the whole team.
“Everyone had their own room except me and Spike. We had to share rooms as we also had a photograph team with us in the mansion we bootcamped at. So I decided to take one for the team and said I could share with someone. This ended up being with Spike.“
This is not correct.
Kezzi, KiKi and I arrived at the bootcamp facility first and were shown the available rooms. Since we were the first three at the facility, we were also the first ones to pick a room for ourselves. One of the rooms had an own bathroom with a cute vanity table. With no hesitation, KiKi insisted on having the big room and OFFERED me to stay with her in front of Kezzi. She didn’t take one for the team nor was she forced to offer me to stay with her. There were multiple other empty rooms at this point and I didn’t even suggest to stay with her in the big room. Nevertheless, I was happy that she offered to share the room, since it was simply the best bedroom. But saying she felt forced to stay with me does not make any sense.
“Very shortly after, Spike started to ask about making out before bed. I said I didn't want to and that I just wanted to sleep.”
It is correct, I asked for consent, and she said yes.
I asked whether she was open to make out and she said yes. If she would have said no or hinted otherwise, I wouldn’t have acted on it. After making out for a while I asked if she wanted to go all the way and she said no. I asked her why she didn’t want to go all the way and she said because we were teammates. I don’t think I should have even asked but after months of flirting and hinting from her, I was curious as to why she had changed her mind. I was scared that she thought I was having feelings for her and that it might destroy the team dynamics. This is why I told her she didn’t have to worry about that since I was having a hard time getting attached to people and opened up about my struggles with developing feelings for people and started philosophizing. Afterwards the conversation started to go quiet. So, I asked whether she is okay with us continuing to make out and she said yes. Shortly after she asked me to stop and so I did.
“Again, the same happened, where she started to touch me everywhere, but this time she was more on me. I tried multiple times to say no, but she just wouldn’t stop touching me until I started yelling and screaming at her that I didn’t want to and that she had to respect it. I screamed that this is not okay and that I did not want to. She then just kept her mouth shut and went to sleep.“
This is a blatant lie.
First of all, I asked for consent both times when I initiated the “making out” and both times she said yes. I understand that she didn’t want to go all the way and I didn’t do anything physically against her will. She never shouted or kept saying no. Nobody in the house, including the staff, heard any screaming or yelling because it simply did not happen.
“She thought I wanted it, so therefore she kept going. At this point, I was yelling at her that I said clearly no. That no is a no, and there was no reason to believe otherwise.“
Again: No yelling or even raised voices. Lie. There was consent to making out, so the rest is also not true.
You said you didn’t want to have sex, which is completely valid. But you also said you were open to making out. There is a clear difference between kissing/making out and going all the way.
“After we were done with this, Kezzi brought up what happened last night with me and Spike.”
This is true.
It is also true that when Kezzi brought it up I was VISIBLY confused and shocked because there was no indication whatsoever that she was this scarred by the whole experience. It is important to mention that her story was different from what she wrote in the Twitlonger as well. According to her I was being insistent, but there was no mention of anything that could classify as sexual assault. I explained that I only asked her out of curiosity because I wanted to know why she changed her mind. It wasn’t my Intention to pressure her into changing her mind. I agree that it was unnecessary and it was wrong of me to ask.
“She kept saying that she was sorry and that she never would have done it if she knew I didn’t want to... which is very weird to me as I clearly said no multiple times when she tried to have sex with me.“
The first part of this is true.
I felt so incredibly guilty because just the thought that I might’ve made her feel uncomfortable was devastating for me. I never had any intention of making her feel that way. I apologized multiple times because I understood that even if the situation was consensual, something I said or done had made her feel trapped or uncomfortable. Again, I did not “try to have sex” with her after she told me off. We were both tipsy drunk and I asked her to continue making out/kissing. If she didn’t feel like making out, she could’ve signaled otherwise but if someone tells me they are down to continue making out they cannot accuse me of sexually assaulting them. This does not make any sense to me.
The thing that really does upsets me is everything that happened after the bootcamp. After the bootcamp KiKi and our other two teammates went together on holiday and KiKi did not want me there because she did not feel comfortable with me being there. I honestly did not mind because even if I disagree with her depiction of that night, she must have gotten triggered and I had to respect that. I have always tried to be understanding of her past experiences in life, so it would have been immoral not to acknowledge the way she felt.
A month after their holiday trip teammates asked me on TeamSpeak to come with them to Bulgaria. I then addressed the obvious and asked whether KiKi was comfortable with that. I was told that KiKi was the one that offered that I go with them. I was obviously thrilled and again asked her if she was really okay with it and that I was really sorry about making her feel uncomfortable in the past and she said that she forgives me and that she had moved on – Kezzi and Joana were both present during this conversation.
This is why I don’t understand the timing of her Twitlonger. She accepted my apology (which again was me trying to validate her feelings); we had a good time in Bulgaria and there was no resent towards me or anything that could indicate her still being upset. Instead, she even begged me to go out clubbing with her on one of the nights.
There was no mention of the event after or during Bulgaria, everything was completely back to normal until after she was kicked off the team.
Even though it was the right thing to do, the whole team felt bad about kicking KiKi, which is why Kezzi felt the need to tell her she was getting kicked for the org offer. In hindsight, I think we all know it was a dishonest move as we had decided on kicking her before there was an org in the picture, but we knew that telling her she was a bad player or not the right fit for the team would have been a lot more hurtful – at least so we thought.
After KiKi got upset about “getting kicked for an org”, Kezzi felt the need to retract that statement and made a long voice message giving her the real reason why she got kicked. KiKi did not believe this, since she ignored the voice message completely but I understand that facing the fact that you weren’t the right fit for the team anymore is hard to accept. Then a couple months later, and immediately after we signed with a new organization, she started telling our mutual friends that I had sexually assaulted her and that she wanted to speak up about it.
She suddenly feels the need to “share her truth” and “warn others”. She shifts the story depending on who she talks to and frankly, I think it is pathetic to go public about something like this out of spite.
To conclude: I shouldn’t have engaged with a teammate like this, but I did do my part by asking for consent. I asked twice and respected that we should not go further. There was absolutely no screaming no and shouting and there was zero assault. My question about what had changed her mind was dumb and I won’t ever ask such a question again. I know that I genuinely asked out of curiosity but I wasn’t being thoughtful and I should’ve been more considerate of how it might come off as.
This is way beyond what I would normally put in writing for anybody to read and I do not wish to enter further discussions in public since this is all very personal. I am also sorry for writing in such a heated manner but this allegation goes against everything I stand for and I cannot ignore it. I appreciate everyone who put in the effort of reading all of this and giving me a chance to explain my side of the story.
Thank you for reading!