My side of the story.
These last weeks have been the hardest time of my life. I've been scared, broken and completely lost. I thank all of you for your support and kindness - without you and the love of my friends and family, I wouldn't have made it through. There has been a lot of speculation about the injury-incident and my situation and only now (3 weeks after the incident), I've summoned the strength to go back to that night where everything fell apart for me and share my side of the story. I hope you will take the time to read and hopefully also learn from the mistakes I've made.
I am not perfect and i stand here today to tell you that I've failed you and the community as a role model and myself for not being the person that I strive to be. I’m really sincerely sorry for failing you. I’ll do anything to change it, but all I can do is never letting anything like this happen again in the future. Actions have consequences and no one else is responsible for where I am today, but myself.
It was the night of the Heroic loss. We were in a pretty tough place after that loss. We had been grinding hard to improve, but disappointed yet again and were set to leave Malta the next day. We wanted to go out and take our thoughts away from the game and have some fun since the loss was saddening. We just wanted to enjoy the last night in Malta before we headed home.
After going to a few bars, we decided to go to a nightclub in Paceville (Malta's nightlife area). I was feeling hungry so I went and got food on my own whilst my teammates went into the club. I arrived at the nightclub 30 m after eating. The entrance of the nightclub was at the top of this staircase leading into the club. I walked up the staircase and asked the guy who appeared to be in charge, if I could join my friends and explained that they had already gone in. Instead of just saying no, he dissed my tattoos and said that it was "his fucking club" and that I was a "tattoo'ed looser" and that there was no way he would let me in, except if I paid 5000 euro for a table. He was aggressive and I felt humiliated so we got into an argument. I told him he was the looser for standing in a nightclub queue and feeling better than everyone else and then suddenly he spat me directly in my face and kicked me straight in my face. He was standing several steps over me on the staircase, so it was like a kicking to a football. It made me fall down the stairs and sprain my foot. It hurt like hell, but adrenaline, fear and confusion had completely taken over my body, so I didn’t notice it at first. I just remember feeling confused. Then after he ran inside the club with the bouncers infront of him. My mouth was swollen, my leg and foot hurt as hell.
I sat down on the pavement outside the club in total shock and tried to understand what had just happened and then suddenly I saw that same promoter leave in a rush. I felt so angry and unfairly treated so I humped after him and caught up with him further down the road to confront him. I regret this terribly. I should have walked away. I should have just gone home and licked my wounds because then none of this had happened. When I caught up with him, I said I would report it to the Police and he immediately spat at me once again and cursed at me which infuriated me. We got into fight, and he broke my leg and I fell to the ground. He was kicking me multiple times in my head while i was laying down. I tried getting away from the situation but i couldn’t because of the broken leg. I tried to run away but i couldn’t put weight on my right leg. It just snapped and broke completely, dislocating my foot as well. He stopped kicking me because i dragged him down to me and i had to do self-defence to make him stop kicking me.
I was so scared that i was about to die. I remember feeling like i was watching my own body from above laying there.
The promoter stole my phone but luckily someone called an ambulance and I got transported to a Maltese hospital.
Ever since the episode I have been in a really deep dark place which i didn’t think i could be in. I feel sad, angry, disappointed, scared and worried all at the same time.
The entire time i was hospitalized i cried. I cried every day, multiple times. I felt like i was alone in the world. Nothing could make me smile. Nothing. I just felt like my emotions had died.
The doctors tried to put my foot back into place, but they couldn’t do it. So surgery was needed, but i didn’t feel safe and I wanted to get the surgery back home in Denmark.
I tried so hard to go back home so i would feel safe and get the surgery in Denmark but they noticed a fracture in my orbital wall. They said i wouldn’t be able to go home for four weeks. It broke my heart. I was so scared i started sweating and crying. Everything i wanted in the whole world was just to go home and get surgery. I knew if i could get home my mood would be so much better and I would feel safe and have people that loves me close.
After communication with Danish doctors through emails they allowed me to travel because there wasn’t air captured under my eye. If there was air under my eye, there would be a chance of me going blind on my right eye because of air pressure.
Thursday (22 September) I came home to Denmark. I went to the hospital first thing when i landed in the airport. I came in, they tried to put my foot in place but they couldn’t do it. I have never experienced so much pain.
I can’t explain how bad these days have been. My sleep was non existing. I was sleeping around 1-2 hours a night and was constantly scared, and when i hit deep sleep I would wake up feeling like someone was trying to drag my legs and pull me out of the bed. I had night-terrors, waking up drenched in sweat and still have almost every single night.
Friday i got my first surgery needed to fixate my foot which is basically that they drill holes in my shin, and foot and put titanium rods in so that you can't move your foot. Everything went smooth but the pain was unbearable both mentally and physically.
Wednesday (28 September) I got my final surgery. They put in a metal piece into my shin with screws and pulled a muscle back into my foot that i torn. Then late Friday they allowed me to go back home. When I came home i broke down crying. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It felt so fucking bad that I just wanted to delete everything and just give up. I couldn’t stop crying. I was in my own bed feeling empty.
The entire time i was hospitalized thoughts has been in my mind. Is this the time to end my career? Is this it for me? But this is nowhere near the end for me. I’m going to war against myself now. Fuck no I’m not going anywhere.
I’m going to a psychologist. My mindset is moving forward. Moving forward but seeing the demon in its eyes.
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll make this downfall into something positive.
This is not who I am. I don’t give up. I’ll do what's needed to become the god-tier counterstrike player that I know I can be.
I will take this time to work on the things that needs to be worked on. I will do everything in my power to come back. My mental health might have gotten hit but it’s not going to take me down.
I’ll take this time to recover both physically and mentally. This is definitely the hardest period in my life and I’m accepting it.
I want to thank everyone that has sent messages to me. Family, friends and my girlfriend. There is nothing more heart-warming in the entire world. Thank you so much. I can’t describe how much that has helped me get through this fucking depressing period in my life. Now it’s time to move forward.
Special thanks to Villads for staying in Malta with me and for helping me keep contact with family, doctors and providing mental support.
As for the promoter, I understand from local Malta authorities that a investigation is going on and that I'm registered as a victim of that investigation. I was tested for drugs at the hospital and was negative (meaning that I had not taken drugs). I've understood from authorities that the promoter was also tested and that he was positive (meaning that he had taken drugs).
Actions have consequences and I fully accept responsibility for mine. Now and in the future. To all of you out there, here's the lesson which I've come to learn the hard way. Turn the other cheek if you can. Walk away. Violence solves nothing. It is never worth it!