maru 📚🐭 || Retro VTuber · @maroony_ch
11th Sep 2022 from TwitLonger
sorry. i got overwhelmed. 2 week hiatus.
hi everyone! i'm sorry for going radio silent for a little while.
i'm going to ramble a lot so here's an early tl;dr:
i have had a lot of things happening all at once in my fleshie life and i got really overwhelmed. between having maybe-pneumonia, starting 5 classes, trying to adjust to working a wagie life (and having so few days off despite maybe-pneumonia), and trying to maintain streaming, i burnt myself out really hard. however, it was wrong of me to disappear and make so many people worry. i apologize so sincerely for that. i just could not bring myself to come online. i would like to return though. i just ask that you give me 2 more weeks to continue reflecting.
anyways here's my full babble:
i really don't like to whine about my real life in this space. i feel selfish for allowing any negativity to rear its head. i much rather direct my focus on the positives and foster an equally constructive and fun atmosphere. basically, being a "downer" by whimpering about my life just feels like an antithesis to how i want to interact online. however, i owe you all honesty for how supportive and kind so many of you have been towards me. so, i will detail my struggles despite how difficult the sheer act of doing so is for me.
for transparency, my maybe-pneumonia had a period of getting much worse despite the antibiotics i was taking. my job was not completely understanding of this and i did not have very much time off. i signed up for 5 classes this semester in an attempt to rush graduating and my professors also were not extremely understanding. in this time i've been gone, i've had so many days where i'd either lay in bed all day or get home and just sit and stare at a wall or ceiling for an egregious amount of time. i was so exhausted every single day, i just had 0 energy to maintain my online presence. so, i self-isolated. this is what i am accustomed to doing when things get too difficult.
if i can be completely honest at the risk of sounding "menhera", it's still kind of hard for me to navigate having a public online presence, even after 2 years of it. despite being terminally online for a majority of my life, i always was a very private and reclusive person. i was a very passive, mousey (heh) presence. it was a comfortable way of interacting online for me, as it was low stakes and i could always retreat inside of myself if i grew too anxious about anything. admittedly, i have been struggling with thoughts of disappearing for much longer than just recently. it's just... really difficult to go from talking to maybe 2 people a month to vtubing with a whole community surrounding me. even after 2 years.
of course, i'm not under any hallucination that i'm some giant public figure now of course, but even this size of a community can just be... really paralyzing for me at times. i never, ever want to take you guys for granted. this appreciation, however, contorts itself into a grotesque anxiety of self-disgust and becoming overly critical of myself. i love the little community who has formed around me so dearly, but, i am so, so insecure. i just want to be able to make you guys happy. i want to be able to make people smile. but i look at my content and i cannot grasp what people gain from it. i feel like i've already peaked. i feel like i'm just wasting everyone's time and they've invested in sunk cost fallacy. i can't stop these thoughts of inadequacy that have burrowed so deeply into my head.
so, i guess i burnt out. i've been burnt out for a while, but i just kept pushing it and growing more burnt out. i don't know what to do.
i still want to return to streaming. i have missed everyone so dearly. i miss sharing gaming experiences together. i miss playing all the freaky fmvs and soulful kusoge. i miss dragon quest!!!!!! i don't want to isolate myself to the point i was at before. but, i am still so anxious about returning. i want to try to give myself 2 more weeks to reflect and try to get out of my slump. i just need to stop taking all of this so seriously lol.
in any case, thank you everyone for your support. i am so, so grateful for you all. i'm sorry for taking you for granted even though that was my biggest worry to begin with; self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.