One Year Hence.

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I have had these thoughts stuck in my head for too long now, and I feel that it is finally time for me to get them out for everyone to see. That they may see what I am, what I was, what I hoped never to be, and how I destroyed the one thing that made me feel like I existed for someone in who knows how many years. The story of me, BetrayedMussel, a rising streamer, ProjektMelody, and her community, the Science team. This is not a pleasant story, quite the opposite in fact. I simply hope that people will better understand my intentions, my regrets, and my fears.

I would say that I was one of those that found ProjektMelody somewhat early, and by chance. I happened upon one of a few posts on Reddit bringing up how an Anime girl was taking to Chaturebate and was causing a ruckus. Out of curiosity at first, I chose to have a look. I found myself watching the second stream of the day on Feb 8th 2020, and shortly after got more and more interested. Not just in the how it was even possible, I had my guesses like many others, but the why, and most importantly, the who. Over the next few days I attended more and more streams. I tried to stand out in the chat. I started tipping tokens. I wanted to get noticed.

I was hooked the moment I heard Melody say my username, and say thank you. I wanted more, and chose to try to get more. I subbed to patreon, followed everywhere she went online, joined her discord, threw more and more and more money at her, until I started to be recognized. Not just by her, but by those in the community. I started to make a name for myself. I started to feel happy again, but it wasn't enough.

I started to send DM's everywhere I had the chance offering what I saw was supportive. I offered to help with anything and everything she needed. Tech support, Artwork, streams, recordings, anything. Eventually, she saw my messages paired with yet another large tip, and agreed to DM me. It would only get worse for her from this point on.

At first the conversations went well, in my eyes at least. Melody seemed to be willing to listen, at least in part to anything I was willing to pass along. The more we talked the more I became attached, the more streams I recorded, and the more I wished to be of service. At the time I wanted nothing more than to be of use. It drove my actions, and at times, influenced many a decision.

I wasn't alone. Just before I posed the question of offering the stream recordings I had, OOC Melody, also know as LordRimuru, had done the same. Given that they were using the recordings to add content to their Twitter for Out of Context jokes and humor, it mad sense that they would offer the same. Initially I was on board working with them and trying to put out the best possible product for Melody to use. At least, until I once again started to overstep.

The more I became known in the Science team, the more I saw that I was being talked about when not actively present. I would often look for mentions of my Username in chats and try to figure out what the context had been about. One such thing was the mention of a Voice for the TOM robot Melody was using at the time. This was around the same point that she was playing through Portal 2 and wanted to talk to the voice actor of Wheatley. It caught my curiosity and I began to ask around for the inspiration, not to the original mention, but to anyone who would listen.

With Covid going on and things taking a turn for the worse, I started to have issues outside and IRL at this point. Struggles at work, and with family that I didn't want to be involved in. I had talked about a few of these on discord in a not so calming way. Pair this with my growing attitude, desires, and want for power, it became more clear each day that I was not going to be a good influence. Community members, mods and Melody herself caught onto this.
And I began to lie, and manipulate. I would do anything to get what I want. It was the one practiced skill that I had.

Given my occupation, I had been practicing some mixed martial arts for self defense and had an unfortunate accident during one of the days. An improper rear choke crushed my adam's apple into my neck and let to some unusual and unexperienced issues that I was struggling to deal with. To the point that I had a panic attack in front of my boss due to being afraid of not being able to breathe. One of my deepest fears I've had since childhood. Thanks to my visit to the ER as a result, I was put on Quarantine for the next 2 weeks, where I continued to make rash decisions with money and with my attempts to curry favor.
It was not going well.

I began to not appreciate Melody's choice in having LordRimuru provide her with the recordings that I was still jumping through hoops to get for her and began to fester hatred every time they were mentioned, or when I saw them. To the point that I would lose my mind with every post I saw on my twitter feed of OOC Melody content. Then unfollowed as a means to keep myself from it all.

This was the beginning of my mistakes, where everything I did just made it worse.
That night, LordRimuru sent me a message out of concern, and I refused to see it. I went to sleep mulling over what I would say, how I would say it, and how I could push back for what I blamed them for taking from me. The next morning, I attacked them. With words I intended for myself, in the worst way possible.

My only thought: "I wonder what kind of trouble this is going to stir up."
https://imgur.com/JS1ZDki

I would regret this message moments after sending it. But once it is sent, there is nothing you can do. I spent the day at work focusing on discord over my job, waiting for messages, for anything. That is, until I could no longer see E-Thot Central in my sever list. I had been banned. No questions asked.

After suffering an emotional breakdown and making attempts to hide what had happened to me, I took the first step towards some things that I have still not made progress on. I started some therapy. It was just a cover up.

I made new accounts, used different cards, emails, everything. I tried every avenue that I knew of and tried to worm my way back in. I attacked more people, and pushed away those that wanted to help, because they weren't the one I wanted to see. They weren't ProjektMelody. I eventually resigned myself to my fate, and started to keep some distance. Though I still tried to be seen in some way or another. Tips and donations continued, messages were sent here and there. Until I was called out again.

I was still sending passive aggressive messages to Melody in Chaturebate chat and PM's praising her choice of LordRimuru for the recordings, and mid stream she said, completely out of character: "Mussel, can you please stop?" This should have opened my eyes to what I was doing, but I took it as another attack.

I began looking for sympathy anywhere I could find it. Posts on Reddit, Twitter etc. I discovered that Melody, who had followed my account till then, had blocked me. So I finally went silent, in my eyes at least.

That same year, on Melody's Birthday, I went through with something I had planned for months prior. I gave the single largest donation I had done up to that point while she streamed on twitch. I hoped that it might encourage her to talk to me again. For a time it didn't work. Until I sent another message out of pure hope.

Once again, I didn't listen to her. I wanted back in, I wanted to be close, to be relied on. To be of use. I continued to fall apart and attack those that reached out, all while looking for sympathy.
Sep 25th 2020. I had thought I was doing better. Coworkers had noticed a change but I had covered it up like I always did. I was trying to get back into hobbies, to find things worth my time. One such thing was DnD. I had commissioned artwork and worked to create a character that I was proud of. That day I managed to find a practice game that I was almost desperate to attend. It was a Friday. For months now we had been leaving work after only a few hours as there wasn't anything going on. So I was able to catch the early times.

Only to be told that we were working our normal hours, just sitting around doing nothing, instead of being sent home. I broke down. I lost all hope in doing anything positive again, and resolved myself to my sorrow. We were sent home 15 minute later, after I had already canceled my attendance, and led to the session being canceled regardless.

I hoped to find some way to get any positive feeling back that day, and found Melody streaming on twitch. For hours I watched and nothing cheered me up. I wrote out my suicide note. Send a cruel message with a hefty donation to Melody, and started setting up to get it all over with. My last hope was for her to see something that we had, and maybe feel something. But when I heard Covid, I knew nothing would come of it.

People messaged me on twitch, twitter, reddit, all over. I read them but ignored each one. They weren't her. So I didn't care.

At midnight, I wrapped a rope around my neck and...waited. For 53 minutes, I tried to encourage, force, accidently fall, anything, but I couldn't do it. I still don't know why. I was en route to a stay at a mental hospital for the next few weeks. I managed to find a way out in time for my birthday on the 19th, and sent an "its my birthday" message and donation that only made things worse. I was back in that mental hospital a few days later.

For months I went from therapist to therapist, drug to drug, counselor to counselor, doctor to doctor, and never made progress. At least as I saw it. I just couldn't get it all out of my head. I knew what I had done, and no matter what I tried I couldn't get past all of it. I woke up tormented by dreams of Melody, unsure if they were nightmares or not.
I wanted someone to care about me again.

People started to see improvement in me again, though I was still too blind to see it. I poured more effort into the one few things I could be recognized for, and it still amounted to nothing. Then I had another stupid idea: why not make one last attempt?

It wasn't meant to be special. The intent was to just show up, add a gift to the pile, say happy birthday, and leave. But I still had hopes. Still had cravings. I asked therapists, supposed friends, even the internet if it might be a good idea. They all said that it might, save for one comment on reddit, just before I deleted the post.

https://imgur.com/ALBOULs

"If this is about who I think it is, you need to just give up and move on."

I went through with the idea, got the exact reaction I though I would. That's it. Nothing else. So I sent one last message, via the only means I had left. I meant every word, and still do.

https://imgur.com/Jk1DqtM

I will never be able to atone for what I have done. I hurt people to get what I want. I attacked those I care deeply about. I made an enemy of myself. I deserve everything that has happened to me and more.

I just hope that some day I will become a better person for this.

Say what you will about me. I'm not asking for shame, or pity, anything. I just hope that people would be willing to know things as I saw it. To know, that I am truly sorry. That I had the best intentions at heart, just chose the worst possible method to get them.

Being part of the science team was some of the happiest days of my life, and I threw it all away over petty greed.

I miss you all, and will forever regret what I've done. Please, don't be like me.


Every DM I sent that I still have access too.
https://imgur.com/a/FKCYqN9

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