wolfman2000 · @wolfman2000
22nd Nov 2020 from TwitLonger
We have failed. Here's how we hope to recover.
Table of Contents
1. Content Warning
2. Summary
3. Background
4. Incident
5. Recovery
6. Final Thoughts
1. Content Warning
This post will contain references to some potentially dark topics. If any of the following make you uncomfortable, it is your call how you handle it. The topics include:
* Mental Health
* Autistic Spectrum
* Depression
* Suicidal/Dark Thoughts
* Harassment
Should any specific personnel need to be referenced, names from video games will be used in their place of screen names or actual names. It is up to them to determine whether they wish to match themselves with the video game name.
2. Summary
On November 19th, 2020 at 11:30 PM EST (give or take a few minutes), I was informed that I was banned from the Games Done Quick discord and twitch chat. This period is to last for one year at a minimum. I will not fight this.
3. Background
Some call me wolfman2000. Others, Dance Dad. Even fewer, my birth name. While we prefer he/they pronouns these days due to research on plurality, the remainder of this article will be written with singular pronouns for easier readability.
I am on the autistic spectrum: specifically, high functioning autism. Up until 2013 when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) was updated to its 5th volume, it had another name, Asperger Syndrome. (I will abbreviate it to AS for the remainder of this article.) That name is not commonly used these days, but must be stated for historical reference. Links regarding the condition can be found at some of the following locations (non-exhaustive):
https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/7601
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
I was bullied as a child, primarily by the boys in the schools. It did not help that I did not associate with some of the attitudes that the boys had. They were disrespecting the girls at a few events I witnessed. That did not seem right to me. At an early age, I had an impression on me that girls and women were to be treated with respect. It took time to actually gain friends from anyone regardless of identity, but it felt easier to get along with the women.
One more impression came in around Memorial Day Weekend of 2016. I was dealing with depression at that time due to blood family stuff that I do not wish to dive into here. I ran into a friend of mine that happens to stream on their own time, Peach, and their parent, Rosalina. They both knew to my knowledge that I have AS, but we could still converse decently well. It provided a hope spot for me, since six weeks later, I would start having very dark thoughts due to the same blood family stuff. Peach and Rosalina became heroes for me, and thus have earned my eternal love and respect. My hope was to pay it forward, to be there for them and others that needed it. Remembering my older childhood and how women should be treated with respect, my mind took that to mean to support the women on whatever activities they wanted, to be their friend and someone they can trust.
I had no issue with assisting for issues such as LGBTQ+ rights, POC lives, women's rights/livelihood, and mental health. I am aware that I have some form of intrinsic privilege. I hoped to show that I could be a good ally.
4. Incident
I was delivered the ban notice at 11:30 PM (give or take a few minutes) on November 19th, 2020. This notice stated there were reports (as in, more than one) that I was causing some of the women to feel harassed, stalked, and/or otherwise uncomfortable. While that was not my intent, I can understand how my words and actions would be taken by some. As such, I accept full responsibility for those words and actions and deeply apologize for whatever it was that I said or did.
I do not know specifically what was said or done. I do not know who I hurt. I will likely never know. There are questions that I cannot ask or get an answer to. What I do know is that I hurt not just them, but by extension, all women. I have caused trust and faith in me to be broken.
This ban is to last one year at a minimum. I am not fighting this ban, and I do not want anyone else to fight this ban in my stead. The women were made uncomfortable, and the last thing they need is to worry about someone they are afraid of. I do not wish ill will towards any of them.
As a part of this ban, I am not to speak to any of the personnel involved with the recent Frame Fatales event for this same period. I have only had two folks out of this group reach out to me since then. One of them, Ana, informed me that I was given an indefinite ban from a public discord. Similar to the GDQ bans, this one will not be fought. No response was given to Ana. A second one, Catherine, genuinely wanted to check up on me since they noticed that I left a particular discord channel. I believe they were not informed of the ban at the time of their message. I have reached out to GDQ Enforcement for clarity on whether I am allowed to speak to Catherine or not. At the time of this post, no response came back.
To ensure compliance with the punishment, I have taken additional steps.
* If I was subscribed to any of the women on Twitch, I have cancelled their subscriptions.
* If I was following any of the women on Twitch, I have stopped following them. Should any be missed by the time of this post and I recognize a name pop up in my inbox, I will immediately unfollow.
* If I was following them on Twitter, I have stopped following them.
* I have stopped following the Frame Fatales and GDQ twitch/twitter channels, along with women personnel that I am aware of that are associated with them.
* Any discords that were owned by or heavily controlled by the women in question, I have left.
* If I was aware of any of the above having significant others, I have also removed myself from those social media platforms.
* Any upcoming marathons I was originally supposed to participate in, I have withdrawn from, if not kicked out prior.
If there are other actions that should be taken, they may be in the next section already.
5. Recovery
There are many steps that must be taken to regain trust and faith. Some were already taken, but there is still more to go.
Regarding how to prevent the harassment from happening again:
* I have contacted my Employee Assistance Program to receive referrals for a therapist to speak to.
* Once I find a matching therapist, I will attend the sessions and identify the behaviors that need to be changed. Once identified, I can work on them.
* I do not know how long it will take to find the right therapist or confirm which behavior is the one that needs correcting. The research has only just started after all. My hope is that the quicker a good one is found, the better it will be for everyone.
* Regardless of either pandemic or ban status, I have no plans on attending AGDQ 2022. Only if I feel I can apply what is learned through the correct therapist will I even think about participating in chat if I am found worthy of being unbanned.
* Likewise, I do not plan on volunteering or submitting games until after SGDQ 2022 is over. Both this point and the previous point are longer than the one year ban initially given out.
Regarding showing support for the women:
* I still support the notions of LGBTQ+ rights, POC rights, women's rights/livelihood, and mental health. That is not going away. However, proof is often wanted. For every month that I am banned for the initial period while employed, I will donate $200 USD to a worthy charity that is based on the aforementioned notions. I will screenshot the receipt and post it publicly.
* I am open to suggestions on specific charities to donate to. The only requirement is that it cannot be a charity that caters to one specific religion. Charity should go to all.
* During the main GDQ Marathon months (usually January and June), an additional $200 USD will be sent directly to the charities of choice. These will not go through GDQ. I still support the causes. I just have to do so without the middle channel.
* If the women still want me to donate to Malala Fund directly, then I will do so twice during this period, each being another $200 USD. As stated above, these donations will not go through GDQ.
Regarding a game I used to speedrun:
I have left the discord for the game in question. I have already informed one of the primary mods of the summary situation, and they will receive a direct link to this post. I am fine with my records for that game (and any others that I submitted to) being anonymized, redacted, or whatever the term is should the community decide it is for the best. I only ask that that I am informed if such an action takes place.
Regarding a different game I used to show off for marathons:
I have left the public discords for the game in question. There are no speedrun records involved with this game, so that detail does not need to be worried about.
Regarding upcoming marathons:
There will be no submissions or appearances from me on any marathons for the one year of the initial GDQ Ban.
Regarding personal twitch streams:
* The streams do provide some sense of normalcy, especially in times of this pandemic. There will still be streams, just not as much for the time being.
* Any brandings on stream that were commissioned by women have been removed. These include emotes from Sabel, a theme layout from Mabel, and a custom background image showcasing me as Dance Dad from Label (or is it Labelle?). These will only be brought back if given explicit permission from the Abel Sisters.
* Prior to this ban, I was owed a fourth emote from Sabel. That emote no longer needs to be made.
* The plan is to use layouts that were provided for free by Gracie about half a year ago. To my knowledge, they are someone I could speak to, but I will still avoid speaking to them regardless. If using the layouts in question is a bad idea, inform me and they will be replaced.
Regarding the consciousness of Dance Dad:
I still accept the notion that there are three beings representing me. However, the form that has been called Dance Dad can no longer be called as such. That name was given by the Twitch Chat of GDQ. Since I have failed the women, and thus them and myself, the name no longer belongs to me. They can call whoever they want Dance Dad. I am no longer worthy of that title.
I have removed any current images of me representing Dance Dad from my twitter and twitch profiles. Older tweets, videos, and highlights may still have the old branding.
6. Final Thoughts
I am right now in...well, a dark place. I have been here twice: once before with the Memorial Day timing mentioned above, and once almost 18 years ago for a separate time where my trust in people was gone. It will take time to identify what went wrong and how to prevent what happened previously from happening again. I hope a year is enough, but it may not be. I expect this post will cause many to hate me and ban me from even more communities. I will not stop them from doing so.
I am open to constructive feedback. Telling me that I should just off myself is not constructive, and would be seen as a waste of time and energy. Should any of the women I am not supposed to speak to choose to respond to this, understand that I may not be allowed to reply to it, even if you say I can.
It was never my goal to harass anyone or make them uncomfortable. That goes against my being. Gaining friends, yes: harassment, no. Hopefully I can make things right and regain trust. I may be forever cursed to never gain trust. I can accept that possibility.
Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am aware it may not be enough. Let's hope the healing starts for everyone's sake.