after 5 years, i'm finally saying something

TW: Suicide, manipulation, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mention of murder
Receipts will be at the bottom, but please read everything.

I want to start this off with an apology to anyone reading this, I guess. I have no idea how I’m gonna structure this, so I’m sorry if things are a bit all over the place, any grammar is messed up or if my chronology isn’t 100%. Many of the events I will bring up happened many years ago and are things that I’ve tried extremely hard to repress and digging all of this up is extremely painful and taxing on me. All of this is absolutely horrifying to me, but I can’t take it anymore. After five years I’ve decided to finally say something.

For the past five years Lollia (@lolliaofficial) has been trying to make my life as miserable as possible. This includes but is not limited to, emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, fear tactics, threats of self-harm/suicide, doxxing, stalking, organized harassment and fabricated accusations of abuse and rape.

Due to the severity of the things she has subjected me to over the years, I hope you can all understand why it’s taking me this long to speak up about it. Primarily, it’s been fear. Not only the fear of what harm such malicious actions may cause me, but also the fear of knowing that no matter what I say or how many receipts I produce, there will be people who will disregard that and choose to believe Lollia instead because of either her status or because of the social climate today regarding abuse. But at this point, the toll all of this has taken on my mental health over the past five years has become too much, I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live in fear of a person that for all intents and purposes wants to ruin my life for no other reason than that we broke up. In order to paint as accurate of a picture as possible over the timeline of events that lead here, I’m going to have to discuss my relationship and breakup with Lollia. Normally, I would consider subject matters such as this as personal matters which should only involve the parties it actually concerns. But, as Lollia has heavily distorted and fabricated events over the years regarding myself and our relationship, I feel that it’s important that I get to finally tell my side so it can be read by people, especially those whom she has already told her narrative to.

My relationship with Lollia was fine in the beginning. I was happy and we managed to see each other several times despite the massive distance. We had our ups, downs and bumps in the road that happen in any sort of relationship, but for a while we seemed to be able to work through those things. However, towards the end of our relationship a lot of red flags that I was unable to see back then started to pop up. Lollia started exhibiting some very controlling and manipulative behavior over me. She started acting really cold towards me whenever I spoke to someone she perceived as feminine enough that wasn’t her. The reason for my odd phrasing in the previous sentence, is that she on more than one occasion deliberately misgendered trans/non-binary individuals as female just so she could say that I was talking and “flirting” with other girls. This even included close and/or mutual friends of ours. She would frequently yell at me in call and lobby accusations at me such as “you like them more than you like me” and “you should just go be with them instead, because that’s what you want”. She would constantly repeat things to me, telling me how I was supposedly feeling. It got so bad that I at times had to contemplate if maybe I was in the wrong? Maybe I was being too nice to people? It was an extremely toxic and unhealthy cycle that came to its first breaking point towards the end of 2014. I had just told her that I wanted to travel abroad for a bit (something I grew to like doing ever since I started flying on my own) as well as see a friend of mine at the same time. But, because this friend was a girl, Lollia had a problem with that. She found it inappropriate and tried talking me out of it. In some regards, I can see how it would be viewed that way, but due to all the previous instances of giving me a hard time for speaking to people she perceived to be of the opposite gender, I finally spoke back. I thought “how far is all of this going to go, if she’s going to start telling me what people I can or can’t see whatsoever?” and said that “This is something I want to do and I’m sorry, I want to go on this trip”

In response, Lollia told me that if I went on the trip, she would break up with me. If my memory serves me, she actually did say that she considered us broken up and I had to beg through tears for her to reconsider. I said I was sorry, I said I wouldn’t go, I said I would cut all contact with the friend if she wanted me to, I just did not want to lose her. Eventually, she agreed and we stayed together. A while later, I found out that Lollia had on more than one occasion contacted this friend of mine without my knowledge and told her to stay away from me. When I found out and asked her why she would do something like that, she said it was because “she’s trying to steal you from me. everybody is.” As our lives went on, the toxic behavior from her continued. Every so often she would lobby the same old accusations at me in regards to anybody I spoke to, regardless of how long we’d both known them for or if they were in our (at the time) closely-knit friend circle.

Then, in 2015 I was introduced to Arietta (@kohakuhearts) through a mutual friend. We hit it off well and became very good friends. At some point, I ended up introducing Lollia to her and we had a pleasant hangout in a Skype call. I vividly remember the moment that me and Lollia got back to our private call, I asked her “Are you okay with her?” essentially asking her for permission to be friends with Arietta. Looking back, the fact that I thought that me needing her approval to speak with certain people wasn’t out of the ordinary at that point sickens me. During this period, her accusations started happening all the more often. She especially disliked when I was in group calls because, as she often put it, I was “hanging out with my harem”. She also flipped on her opinion of Arietta and started resenting her, even to the point of once again going behind my back to spout threats at them. This is all because she felt that “I was mixing too many things for her” when in actuality I had only mixed a single song for her at that point in time. The aforementioned calls were obviously nothing of the sort. Most of them were me being in work calls while working on a birthday chorus for Lollia. It was while I was in one of these calls where she did something that just made me feel like I’d had enough. With me in the call was Bin (who went under the name Beato at the time) and Arietta. They were simply keeping me company as I was working on timing and tuning lines for the chorus. Suddenly, Bin spoke to me and said “Xandu. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Arietta hasn’t been talking for a while. It’s because she’s crying. And you’re not going to like the reason why.”

Lollia had sent a really awful message to Arietta that I sadly have been unable to find a receipt for, so I don’t remember exactly what it said. She had also sent me a message via Kik which was one of our main methods of communicating with each other back then. This message, I do still have due to me talking about it with Lovisa (also known as Un3h or @LenniTheUnicorn).

The message Lollia sent me was the following (my legal name has been redacted):

"I hope you and arietta are happy together. Goodbye [Xandu]. Thank you for the good memories. By the way, I'm not dead. If you even cared. Spending so much time with arietta to care about her. Why don't you just date her. Be able to fuck a timid girl. Be nicer. I bet just like else you're showing her what I'm saying and making me look like the bad guy. You know fucking what [xandu], be with her. You don't want to be with me anymore. While I'm over here worrying about you, you're in call flirting with her. God I wish I was dead already. You want this relationship to work out? REALLY? I WISH YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER MET. YOU HATE ME. YOU HATE MY GUTS. YOU'RE WAITING UNTIL I'M OVER THERE SO YOU CAN DUMP ME TO BE WITH HER. You're killing me little by little. Every day. When you're with her it will kill me even more. So I'm done. I'm just going to fucking kill myself. So you can dump me to be with her. I love you. I hope you're happy with her."

After this I felt a rush of emotions. Pain, betrayal, anger, sadness, etc. I felt guilty at first, like I had done something wrong. But eventually, I realized that this was not okay. I’d had enough, and Lollia also realized that she’d messed up, because she messaged me in Kik again being very, very, very overly apologetic over what she’d just done. But I was done at this point. She called me over and over on Skype and I kept refusing her calls because I didn’t want to talk to her, but the constant spamming eventually made me cave and I picked up the call. She was screaming, crying and going on and on about how she was sorry, it was all Arietta’s fault and how she had “ruined us”. I was having none of it and when she asked if I still wanted to come visit that year, I said no.

I need to touch on this subject too, because I believe that it’s important later on. Throughout the year Lollia had been working part time to save up money for a plane ticket to come visit me in Sweden. The ticket cost somewhere between $400 to $500 USD and at the time where all of this went down she had already booked her flight. This wouldn’t be the first time she visited me in Sweden. The year prior she visited me for around five weeks during summer, and at that time I paid for the ticket out of my own pocket, which came out to roughly $1000. Keep in mind, this was NOT a gift and I made that very clear on several occasions, so we were in full agreement on that. Hotel costs were not part of anything, since my family had agreed to let her stay with us for that long time, which I was extremely grateful for back then. So, when I said that I no longer wanted her to come visit me and that I wanted to break up, she once again started crying and screaming about how she had worked so hard for the money to pay for the ticket and how it would all be going to waste now. In response, I said “If you don’t come and visit you no longer have to pay me back the 1000 you owe me. That way you wouldn’t have lost anything.” Despite this, she kept on pestering and guilt tripping me in an attempt to get me to visit anyway, even if we weren’t in a relationship. Eventually, I caved and agreed to let her visit, letting her know that by doing so she would still have to pay back the money she owed me.

To this day I consider me agreeing to that one of my life’s greatest regrets, because the five weeks that followed were absolute hell.

Due to the sheer amount of things that went down during her stay here in 2015 I will try to summarize certain things to the best of my ability, whereas other things deserve further elaboration. Throughout the entire stay, we had relapses here and there back to trying to be in a relationship again which turned sour every single time. We had been together for almost two years prior to the breakup, so getting together in person just afterwards naturally led to a very toxic and emotionally unhealthy environment for both parties. During her stay with me and my parents, she grew increasingly more and more hostile.

- She expressed a desire to hurt or people, especially Arietta. This caused me to start locking my door because I genuinely started to be afraid I would be attacked in my sleep.

- She repeatedly kept spouting accusations at me, like she had during our relationship, but with a lot more aggression and personal attacks.

- She ran away multiple times, almost causing my family to call the police at one point and making a scene in a fast food restaurant at another one.

- She threatened suicide at multiple occassions, the ones I’m able to remember are: asking where the closest lake was so she could drown herself and once by sitting dangerously close to the train tracks when we were seeing off Lovisa at the trainstation.

- She had several fits where she would scream and cry, all while my family were still home and were forced to endure it all.

- She would send me angry messages for talking on Skype late at night in my own house (she slept in a separate room). Sometimes she would burst into my room and yell at me for this reason, at one point once again accusing me of being with my “harem”, purposely misgendering Sydr0id (who went by a different name at the time) in the process. When I corrected her, she simply responded with “Oh like I give a shit” and slammed the door shut. Mind you, this was all still in the middle of the night with my family still being asleep.

- She continuously harassed Arietta throughout her stay, causing her to have several emotional breakdowns which I helped her get through via Skype DMs and Line.. These exchanges in an attempt to calm her down lead to us talking quite a bit. Lollia later tried to act friendly with Arietta, getting her to agree to exchange Line IDs, but this too turned into harassment. When I confronted Lollia and asked if she was harassing Arietta, she denied it outright and when I asked would you mind showing me their chat history as proof that you didn’t, she obviously declined. She eventually agreed to show me, but when she did so she had deleted any incriminating messages. I simply cross-referenced this with Arietta’s chat history from memory, they obviously didn’t match. However, these messages are what caused yet another outburst from Lollia at one point, because when I was in the bathroom she snuck into my room and looked at my Skype messages. When she saw that I had been speaking to the person that she still blamed for our breakup, she stormed out violently and screamed “you want to fuck her!” at my face, all with my family still home. She then tried to run away again, but we managed to keep her home on this occasion.

- There was another instance when Lovisa visited that I won’t go into, as I don’t feel comfortable doing so without asking her first.

This is the instances I’m able to recall at the moment. There are many more, but it’s extremely draining for me to dig these painful memories up, so I hope you will understand if I end the list there for now. My biggest regret with letting her visit is regarding my family. They had to put up with so much bullshit, disrespect and disgusting behavior all coming from a person they had agreed to provide with housing and food for free. I still feel extremely guilty about it all to this day, because I feel that I’m partially to blame for forcing them to go through all those awful experiences.

When her visit came to an end, I was so exhausted. I was just waiting for her to go home. Some of my friends who had experienced her behavior first-hand during her stay had jokingly suggested holding a party in celebration of her leaving, as a way to cheer me up after those agonizing five weeks. My mother drove us to the airport, which is roughly a 80 minute drive, we said our goodbyes, and my mother and I drove back home. I had been home for around ten minutes when I got a call from Lollia on skype. She’s crying and screaming about how she missed her flight. Apparently she had been waiting at the wrong gate. So, me and my mother got back in the car and drove to the airport. At the airport, our only option to get her back home was to purchase a ticket for a flight that left the next day. The ticket came out to 700 dollars. My mom paid for it at the airport and I later transferred her 700 since I felt that she didn’t have to stand for a cost like that. And so, we got back in the car and drove back home again. I was very silent and tired, I felt like this nightmare would never end. Lollia on the other hand was happily chatting away with my mother, as she had taken a liking to her over the years that we’d been together. We got back home, the next day came, we drove to the airport again, dropped Lollia off and went back home. This time, she got on the flight.

At this point, I thought that the worst was over. That I didn’t have to deal with this anymore. All the abusive shit was a thing of the past and I could focus on moving on with my life. Clearly, that’s not what happened. During the weeks that followed Lollia would constantly talk to me and try to gaslight me further by constantly telling me “you hate me now” “you want nothing to do with me” etc. which seriously started to wear down my patience at this point, causing me to eventually snap at her.

I also brought up the 1700 that she still owed me, but when I did I was met with the excuse “you said I didn’t have to pay it anymore if I visited”. Naturally, this confused me greatly as not only had I never said that, it didn’t even make any sort of logical sense. She argued that because my “family was well off” or that I had 12000 in life savings (savings my entire family had been saving up for me throughout my entire life, meant for me when I moved out in the future) I didn’t need that 1700. The closest I got her to anything remotely close to agreeing to pay me back, was for her to send me a sum every month until it was all paid back. The only problem was, this sum was so low that it would have taken six years until it was all paid back. Later when my mom tried to convince her to pay back the money, Lollia threatened her with a lawsuit. To this day, she has not paid back a single bit of the money that she owes me.

I begrudgingly kept working on finishing the mix for her birthday chorus and when we started talking about uploading, a lot of people who were part of the chorus did no longer want to upload it due to her actions. Eventually we did settle on someone who could upload, but before we could do that, Lollia had another outburst. She went on a social media rant on both twitter and facebook about me and Arietta (who had begun dating at this point), calling me every name in the book as well as telling anybody that asked her what was going on that I had cheated on her. This is obviously untrue, since me and Arietta began a relationship well after I had broken up with Lollia. I called her up and confronted her about the posts and asked her to take them down, which she did. After the call, we had no further interactions for over a year. The birthday chorus went up and I tried to forget all of the stuff that had happened.

This is where most of my first-hand experiences end, since almost everything else are things I’ve heard through third parties. Apparently for the next year or so she would spread rumours about me to whatever person she could come in contact with. These rumours and stories that she has told have constantly been evolving over time in order to make me seem as vile as humanly possible. In the beginning all I heard was how she was telling people about how I was emotionally abusive, manipulative and constantly was flirting with other girls. This eventually evolved into her saying that I had been physically abusive during her stay in Sweden. This is also when the harassment started. I started receiving several hostile anonymous posts via Ask.FM accusing me of being an abuser and cheating on Lollia. Some of her IRL friends also started contacting me via facebook, sending pictures of dicks without any sort of message. When I asked what the meaning of this behavior was, I was simply met with more vulgar pictures.

Later, in 2016, I received a message from a person who used to be a mutual friend of me and Lollia. It was a long letter that essentially boiled down to her wanting to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. I agreed and we called on Skype for like three hours. Everything seemed fine and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. That is, until the end of the year. I then came to know that the very day after me and Lollia had that call, she called up two of my closest friends at the time Mom0ki and Takara and said that during her visit in 2015 I had raped her.

This is NOT true. Anything and everything that occurred during her stay was entirely consensual. I’m sure both her and I regretted the things that happened in the moment, but I shouldn’t have to say that you can’t withdraw consent months later because you regret your actions. That’s not how it works. According to what I was told, she has said that she was completely passed out and woke up to me trying to have sex with her. This already doesn’t make sense, since the only way for her to be passed out to the point of not waking up prior would be if I drugged her, which I obviously would never even dream of doing to anyone. She then apparently screamed and shouted for me to stop and I only stopped once she slapped me.

This entire story is completely fabricated and never happened. If it had, my family would have heard something and she wouldn’t gleefully be chatting with my mother on the way back to the house where she claims that she was raped.

From what I’ve heard from other people, she has also added that me and my family kept her locked in her room during her stay, only opening the door to feed her. She has also warped what happened during Lovisa’s stay, painting her as a bad guy as well since she didn’t start hating Arietta like Lollia wanted after a few attempted persuasions. Additionally, she has also said that I have sexually harassed female members of the community for years and the only reason no evidence exists of it was because I “sent my legions of fans to bully them out of the community”. She also claims that I have been masturbating in calls with people without them consenting to anything like that. When Bubbles (also known as Sauce) was outed as a predator, she started telling people that he and I were apparently good friends and helped “protect” each other. She even tried reaching out to one of Bubble’s ex girlfriends to try and “recruit” her of sorts. She abandoned this idea when she found out that me and said person were in the same chorus group together, causing her to add every chorus group I’ve been a part of to her server’s blacklist.

Which brings me to her server. I don’t know for how long it’s existed, but Lollia has or had a secret server populated by fans of hers purely dedicated to spying on me, my friends spreading her lies and doxx me. Lollia has always been very keen on using my legal name around people, even during our relationship, and if you’ve known me for a long time you will know that I am not a fan of giving out my legal name unless absolutely necessary. I know for a fact that she has given out my name to this server, due to the fact that during 2017 three random people I have never met before joined the voice chat in my Community Discord Server and started shouting my legal name at the top of their lungs, making sure to use it when referring to me as often as they could.

So in summary, the server’s spying has led to the following:

- Private information of mine, such as relationships I wished to be private being spread around, none of which relate to me supposedly being a dangerous person. What most likely mattered is that I /wanted/ to keep said information private. That was likely the whole reason those things were scooped out and spread.

- Aliases I use to do different kind of work that I wish to keep separate from my music being spread around

- My name being doxxed, perhaps my address and last name as well. I don’t know.

- Me being confronted in circles not even related to the community about the rape rumours. I’ve been approached in different servers by admins on two different occasions and been questioned about the things that they’ve heard from other members. I have also been told from people I’ve never spoken to that I’m a shitty person from a person I have never interacted with prior. It later turned out that this person had mixed for Lollia, so it appears as if she tells her story to nearly every person she comes into contact with.

- Potentially leading to unflattering rumours about whoever Lollia decided to add to her blacklist.

- Additional stories being fabricated about me by people I have never even met.

In regards to that last point, I would like to bring up a person who goes by the alias “Aerie”. They claim that I sent them flirty messages in 2017 and when she didn’t respond well to any of them, I blocked her.

This has never happened. In 2017 I had already switched over to Discord, but I have all my skype logs saved that date all the way back to 2011, so if such a conversation exists I would know about it. Not to mention that that sort of behavior is completely uncharacteristic for me, especially considering that I can count the amount of people I’ve ever blocked on Skype on one hand. Up until I was being made aware of these accusations, I didn’t even know anyone named “Aerie” existed, so I don’t know why they would want to fabricate something like this. Since I only have the accounts and screenshots of third parties who were in that server I can only speculate as to the reason why.

To round off, I would like to bring up a tweet Lollia made a few months ago when a lot of people were coming out with stories of sexual abuse and harassment they had suffered at the hands of members of our community. Apparently not one to pass another opportunity to make me seem like a monster, she made her own thread alluding to myself. One of her tweets said:

“I’m not going to openly share who said person is because despite all he has put me through, a part of me still cares for his well being. I can’t hate him- and that’s what I hate about myself. I feel like a coward”

I’m willing to wager that several people reached out to her via DM where she was more than happy with giving them my identity, essentially transforming survivors coming out with their stories into a weapon to carry out her ridiculous grudge.

All of this is just the stuff I’ve been made aware of through the years, there’s a high probability that there’s more gross lies about me making the rounds that I have yet to hear about. If anyone has any questions about anything mentioned here/otherwise or also have had experiences with Lollia, my DMs are open and you’re free to message me if you so please.

Lastly, I want to dedicate this last paragraph to Lollia herself. I don’t know in what world you thought that any of this was okay. This behavior is beyond reprehensible and I cannot believe you stooped so low as to lie about rape in order to make me into a villain. It’s people like YOU who make it hard for actual victims of abuse to step forward, because when you pull shit like this it just gives people another reason to doubt. You disgust me and you have brought me so much pain over the past five years. Thanks to you, I have developed severe anxiety and I will most likely have to take meds for said anxiety and depression for the rest of my life. Get over yourself and just accept the fact that you are a toxic person who was dumped because another person simply had enough of you.

With all that said, Lollia, get out of my life and leave me the fuck alone.

(certain names, including my legal name, have been redacted)

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