I’ve been Emotionally Abused by a Man I’ve Defended For 5 Years.
I’m not the most articulate person, and this is very hard to write let alone post. He’s someone i thought i could shared many things with. I harbor feelings for him that are hard to explain and even harder for others to understand, including myself. But i cannot let these girls that have been told to provide evidence be discredited. Believe victims, assholes. I’m sorry to everyone impacted by his actions that i could’ve helped by speaking up earlier. I truly have nothing to gain by posting this, if anything it renders me emotionally numb and quite frankly, gave me a throbbing migraine to write out. I do just want to note some disclaimers:
1. When the word relationship is used i don’t mean we were exclusive. It’s the only appropriate word i can think of using to describe whatever we had.
2. Yes there are Receipts.
3. I don’t play Starcraft. Per my timeline, he was still in the league scene when it started (Starcraft looks cool and kudos to those who are passionate about it)
4. He did talk to me about what was going on only after i brought it up. It was his intention to keep it from me for as long as possible, as he was not ready nor does he know how to properly handle and talk about it at this time. My best friend follows many scenes, and has been one of two people i’ve ever confided in when it comes to my relationship with Reid; which is how i found out there was a movement i have an obligation to be apart of not for myself, but for others to come forward as well and hold people accountable.
5. If anyone has experienced this either through Reid or a different person and if you ever need anyone to talk to please feel at liberty to message me at anytime. And if you don’t, please feel free to review this helpful thread with resources for mental health: https://twitter.com/jennsnotfunny/status/1275955874184466439?s=20
Reid and i have had an emotionally abusive relationship for years. It started in October 2015 when I was 18. It was my freshman year of college. These were strictly only online interactions, yet that never mattered to me. On Tuesday 06/23/2020 Reid and i had a conversation i never thought we would have and it was a little sus that he even brought it up. Since i’m not apart of the scene, he had rightfully assumed i hadn’t heard anything or knew that he had been accused of such things. In our conversation, he didn’t directly apologize for it, but he mentioned having done it to me. God knows how many other girls he’s done it to now as well.
Reid groomed me. For those needing a definition ‘Sexual grooming’ is the process of deliberately establishing a connection in order to prepare a person for sexual exploitation and/or abuse. I was young, naive and extremely inexperienced. Sometimes, age plays a factor. I have no idea how old he is btw. Every time i’ve ever asked, he says that age is a number and that it doesn’t matter or that he feels like he’s in the middle with most of his friends being either 5 years younger or 5 years older. I’ve been able to deduce that he’s somewhere in his early to mid thirties. We started talking via DMs on twitter, like most, which then escalated to skype. He sent me an unsolicited dick pic soon after (this was within a week of talking and dming). The first time anything sexual happened he started doing it without my consent, he just did it and i guess i went along with it. I was 18, and even though it was uncomfortable, it was consensual because i was of legal age i said to myself. Over time we developed a very one sided relationship where my sole purpose was to sexually gratify him. We developed what i thought was a deeply emotional connection too. But Reid has stated that he’s a pathological liar. And after years, i’m finally connecting the dots and reading between the lines. I trusted Reid with so much, over time he became one of my closest friends. Years of conversations, heart to hearts and movie watching were nice. But being doted on and manipulated emotionally, formed a twisted friendship. I presumably caught feelings for Reid. He would say sweet nothings, in exchange for pleasure. The sexual pressure he placed on me became something i ignored and kind of expected. But what could i have done when in order to talk to the person i had feelings for and confided in required me to get him off before we could hold a decent conversation? I felt ashamed but I hid it well. I knew our relationship wasn’t normal, but putting an end to it wasn’t worth losing someone i loved and cared for deeply.
I expressed my feelings to him on many occasions, but that was in vain. Asking Reid a question means never getting a straight answer. Telling him i’m hurt meant being apologized to in the moment, and objectified the next morning. To Be open and vulnerable invites him to take advantage of that. He exploited my feelings for him. I questioned my morals, sacrificed my own self worth, my sanity, and my pride to do whatever would make him happy. But please try to understand that this entire situation with him has always just been confusing, which stems from having been groomed. Having feelings for him is confusing; i don’t know if they’re genuine or if i was conditioned to care for him and place him on a stupid pedestal. Having to pick my brain apart to find out “i did this because of him or because i genuinely wanted to and was into it or into that person.” The twisted thing is what happened with him was initially a positive experience. But i’m still so confused. I have actively voiced my opinion on him seeking help for his personal behavioral health struggles. I know he’s caused hurt to others, and to me. I’m not defending him, or giving him an excuse. I know I definitely can’t place a number on all the times i’ve felt worthless, unworthy of actually being loved and treated with respect because of him. On all the times i thought drinking was the answer because of him. On all the times my best friend has had to hear me sob through the walls separating our bedrooms because of his cold and calculated manipulation.
Maybe he was attempting to genuinely provide mutual sexual gratification. Maybe he just really is a sick weirdo.The things i’ve said and done to please him go against many of my personal beliefs. But persuading me to engage in some humiliating acts, i allowed that to happen even though i didn’t want it to, was just gross and made my skin crawl. Allowing the relationship we had to persist offered him the ability to exercise his devious superiority. He objectified me. He made me play these sick twisted games to get him off and brushed them off as exploring our kinks and sexuality. I’m working on healing from this. And if you’ve ever had your heart broken, I’m sure you know it’s not easy.
I can probably write a whole novel based off solely the things he’s said to me that, for my own mental stability, i won’t mention. But while i’m figuring this all out, I only wish Reid makes amends with others and apologizes to everyone else too.