Kelly Jean · @kellyjeaaann
24th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
My response to HenryG's statement & why I never used the word r*pe:
Many of you will have seen HenryG’s response to my earlier Twitlonger (https://twitter.com/kellyjeaaann/status/1274788704838733824) and I think it’s important to respond. Henry and I may have had a complicated relationship, but that doesn’t change the facts of what happened to me and doesn’t excuse what he did. I went over to the home of someone I trusted, and decided to join them in smoking some weed. While they have a high tolerance, I do not (as he himself acknowledged), and in the process of smoking, I got “too high” and ended up with the room spinning, losing track of time, completely disoriented, and just feeling sick to my stomach (“greening out” is the terminology). While I was completely stoned beyond any ability to consent, a person I had previously loved and trusted decided to initiate sex, without my consent, which ended up with me bleeding on the floor, because they couldn’t wait till morning when I was feeling better. You can call it whatever you want, I certainly didn’t label it because I don’t see myself as a victim and this was a person I had genuine care for, but after talking with my therapist and seeing all the other brave women speaking out, I felt I had to say that regardless of what you label it, what Henry did to me was not okay.
I never once called what happened r*pe, I had not and have not accepted that, and I’m not sure I ever will. In conversations with Henry, he would not talk about what he called “the r*pe bullshit” without reassurance that I did not think it was r*pe. It was impossible to have a constructive conversation about what happened on NYE without him feeling it was an attack and shutting down. I wanted him to understand that I was hurting and acknowledge what happened was wrong, regardless of label, but he has been continually resistant to taking directly acknowledging his action or changing his ways (despite several unfulfilled claims that he wants to “change”). Not using the word r*pe does not invalidate my story or mean I was lying when I said I didn't feel it was.
He says that I initiated sex, which is completely and utterly false (not to mention our relationship consisted of many complaints from him that I never initiated sex - me stating I don’t enjoy doing so) and directly contradicts the messages from the 2nd of January, where I make it clear that he ignored my requests to leave sex till later and hurt me both physically and emotionally when I was in a state where I just wanted to lay down until I stopped feeling like I would pass out and the room stopped spinning, he never disputed this at the time (https://twitter.com/kellyjeaaann/status/1274788704838733824). After this I didn’t really want to talk about the night as it was difficult to really process what happened, and didn’t want to “make things weird”, but after talking through the night with my therapist a few months later, I realized that it had impacted me more deeply than I realised and had hurt my ability to form trusting physical relationships as well as greatly affect how I feel towards sex (which he acknowledges as true). I spoke with him about the night in April, trying to get some sort of closure, but it was clear that he didn’t even want to discuss it and viewed it as an attack on him. The conversation was stressful and I needed to process things myself, so I did not try to talk to him until another month later at the end of May.
HenryG has tried to make this about our relationship, and has made flat out lies to muddy the issue:
He says that this was just part of an on and off relationship, but that night was the last time we ever had sex, and while I tried to rationalise what happened and stay friends with someone I genuinely cared about, he continued to try and diminish what happened and gaslight me. He lied to me about being in another country, and I was so tired of him gaslighting me that I went to his flat. I appreciate this was an emotional response but I was tired of being gaslit and while I didn’t have an open invite to his flat, I had visited many times and he never expressed that I was unwelcome in his home. I brought a friend, because I was so overwhelmed that Henry would continue to lie to me and wanted someone I could trust for emotional support (not as protection). To add I had never once turned up uninvited before then. Although it started off with Henry being confrontational, after he invited me in we had an amicable, if very emotional, conversation (as he acknowledges) but it was clear that his position hadn’t really changed and I left feeling like I wasn’t able to make him understand how I felt as I was incredibly overwhelmed (what happened at NYE was referred to as an allegation and I shut down and got upset, feeling unable to go over in detail in person what I felt had happened).
He suggests that I persistently contacted his partner, family, colleagues, etc. recently which is also false. His partner and I had only spoken once, which was very amicable and short, until I made my statement a few days ago. He also offered me her number and to speak, both in text and on the same day we spoke in person for the final time, though she contacted me by asking him for my number to call me. I haven't spoken to his mother since August 2019 and I don't have his other family contacts. While I do work in the gaming industry as well, I have not directly contacted any of HenryG’s colleagues recently about this subject (or to my best knowledge in the past) and keep things strictly business. I’ve not tried to contact him since he blocked me a few weeks ago, and frankly as I came to terms with what happened, realised that I did not want to talk to him in the future or otherwise.
He says I threatened him with what happened on NYE, that is also a lie, but he has been consistently paranoid that I would use what happened against him whenever I would try to discuss it with him or process what had happened to me. I think that deep down he knew that what he did was wrong, and could get him in a lot of trouble, and that fact was threatening because the relationship was over and he couldn’t control my actions, but I never threatened him. He wanted his actions to just go away rather than accepting and owning what had happened, so every mention was another reminder of the harm he had caused and a perceived threat to his reputation and career. This is not some revenge scheme, nor does it benefit me in any way. I don’t get anything out of this (except a chunky collection of hate mail). I’m only sharing this now because therapy and the strength of other women’s stories made me realize that my voice could protect someone in the future or give the next woman the bravery to speak out about their own “just not right” moments. Due to the nature of the way he spoke to me last, I could not in good faith believe he had changed. The women that have contacted me since makes me hopeful for a community where everyone can be safe and respected.
A complicated relationship does not take away the need for consent, although “complicated” is an understatement of how he treated me (The emotional abuse, verbal abuse, lying, cheating, and gaslighting I experienced during our relationship goes way beyond being “bad boyfriend”, behavior, none of which he denies). I was not remotely perfect but it’s very easy to paint someone as crazy when they’ve had to deal with constant psychological abuse (it's very sad that he doesn't consider this behaviour abusive, it is) but that also doesn’t take away the need for consent. That someone has had sex with you before, or wants to have sex with you in the future is not a pass to fuck them sore when they are too stoned sick to tell which way is up, and leave them bleeding on the floor. You can call it whatever you want, but what Henry did to me was not right and I stand by that.
If you do not know what to believe, that is fine. I understand. You were not in the room. Please refrain from calling me a liar, unkind names and sending me hate, instead just support who you wish to support. I am going through an incredibly difficult time, so please keep that in mind.