Lizzy · @BubbleLizzy
22nd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Some of my experiences with sexual harassment within esports
I have thought about posting this several times over the last years. I never did, thinking that maybe it was all in my head, or my own problem. Seeing so many speak up over these last few days has made me feel stronger. Even though it’s hard to type this out, I do feel it’s time to share.
Two years ago, I was approached by the manager of an esports and streamteam. We got to talking at a Dutch esports event. We had some mutual friends, and after our talk he asked me to join the team. He promised me exposure, sponsorship deals, maybe even hosting opportunities. It was the first time I felt like an "established" streamer and I was very excited. The guy seemed enthusiastic and very ambitious, although a bit pushy. I was shy at the time, but felt like I wanted to impress this guy who had this big talk.
I joined the team and started streaming under their name. However, none of the deals came through. I only got a team shirt, after me having to ask several times. He dropped it off at my house, accompanied by another member of the team. We had a cup of tea and a chat, but the manager started making very inappropriate comments, about women in general (their place being "under the desk") but also about me and my body. He told my teammate how great he thought my ass was. It felt like he was hitting on me and I felt very uncomfortable, in my own house. I remember feeling I had to play nice, because this guy was sort of my boss. But I moved over to sit as far away as I could from him for the rest of the cup of tea. I later called him up, shaking, and told him I didn't like his comments and jokes, and that he should act as a manager, not as a "friend". He should also refrain from making those jokes and comments in general. He told me he was sorry and wouldn't do it again.
Next, he invited me to go to an event, to network and to talk to some people about upgrading my gear with a sponsorship deal. It sounded cool and I wanted to move forward from the previous bad experience. And again, I felt like I was the newbie in the scene. Maybe I overreacted last time? Maybe it wasn't that bad? But I was still glad when someone joined us on our way over in the car. The event was ok-ish, the networking underwhelming and I didn't get the gear he promised.
Afterwards, he dropped the other guy off at home, leaving me alone with him. It was quite late and we went to get some food before he drove me home. We ended up talking about all sorts of stuff, I started to feel comfortable again, even told him about someone I was kind of starting to date. However, when we were outside my house, he stopped the car and tried to kiss me. I turned away, feeling his lips on my cheek. He said sorry, but that he “never felt such a connection with anyone”. I felt scared and trapped. Here I was, with a manager I’d known for a couple of months, in his car. He knew I was dating someone, he was my boss, and he used this position to take advantage of me. I wanted to run out of the car, but I tried to calm down. I remember trying to steady my breath and telling him I didn't like him like that, that I didn’t want him to kiss or touch me, I wasn’t interested, but that I wanted to continue working together in a professional manner if he could. Then I left.
When I got home, I was very upset. That trapped and uneasy feeling stuck with me for a week or so. I tried contacting him, about this and about the deals he promised me that never came through, but he never responded. I decided to file a complaint with the HR department. Turns out, the company didn't have an HR department and when I called them, he answered the phone.
I had to file my complaint TO HIM. I said my piece, and he sounded upset, he apologised, even cried, and promised to change (yet again). I told him to get an HR department and draft a code of conduct for all employers and employees, which could him accountable in case this ever happened again. He promised me this would happen within the week. It didn’t.
In the meantime, they owed me 300 euros. When I asked for my money, I got no answer. When I asked about the contract, I got no answer. Apparently, the team was broke. They had problems with paying their professional players as well. I gave him an ultimatum, he’d either pay me and implement the new code of conduct, or I'd quit. He said okay and I didn't hear from him again. I quit the team, sent him a payment request. He paid after two months. Three months after I quit the team, they were still using my picture on their website and my info in their presentations for promotion. Only after I threatened to sue did he remove it.
I have more stories like this. I had an external caster at my very first work related event ask my management (at my new team) to send me up to his hotel room afterwards. They told him no. He made inappropriate and sexual comments all through dinner with the crew. Telling me I would make for a better dessert than what they had on the menu, that it was such a shame we didn’t share a room. He sent me messages on Facebook that night as well, but also saying he was “just joking”.
These are not appropriate jokes.
I was still so new to the whole scene when this all happened, and it made me question my self worth as well as my value and skills as a streamer and a host. It made me question if this was normal in the scene. If this was just the way things were. But I no longer believe this. This is not the standard, and not something we should have to accept. There are still stories I can’t share yet. But this I can do. This is not normal behavior. This is not your fault. You are not alone.