Effect's Retirement Post (TW suicide, self-harm)
I always carry a sense of shame around with me, but some days that feeling of shame gets so severe, that I get strong urges to kill myself.
I should just forget about it and do productive/positive things, but I can't do it. I get filled with endless negative thoughts and the idea that everything is meaningless. My life is a bucket with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much I try to fill it, and fill it again, my greed knows no limits, and I found something to temporarily block the hole but the weight grows bit by bit until it eventually breaks apart and it all spills out again.
The first time I felt this sense of shame was when I was a child and watched a movie. It was an amazingly cool fantastical movie. But in comparison I felt so small. I was so envious of the dazzlingly bright main character. And I wanted to become like them. And that was when for the first time I thought to myself, "Should I die, instead of continuing to live like this?". I checked on the internet, and that movie came out 10 years ago, so I was 13 years old back then. When my family exited the theater amazed at the CG, I was thinking about suicide.
I needed something to forget this sense of shame. The best escape was video games, of course. If I played games I couldn't think of anything else because I had to focus on what was at hand, and whenever I carried a match, or advanced in rankings, I felt like I had become the main character of the game. That's why I played video games. I would feel satisfied once I reached high rankings. I also did music. Whenever I played beautiful melodies and exciting beats, I would get so excited. And I'd feel happy when I could share what I'd prepared to someone else. Because in that moment, I was the star of the show.
As my head got bigger and I grew older, I was running out of ways to block the sense of shame. So I just did whatever I wanted to do. I played games and did music. Honestly, I played games more. For music I just practiced hard. But with that flimsy amount of skill, there was no way I could have adapted to college, where only the elite would gather. Their musical world was completely different from mine.
Overwatch got released, and I played Overwatch. Because I wanted to become a star in the game, I made strategy posts. I made a Youtube channel. I started streaming. And I tried my best. There was no space to think of negative thoughts because I had my hands full. I kept working hard and I kept pushing forward.
Because of that, I ended up getting here, but too much time has passed. Overwatch hasn't changed at all. The game itself couldn't tug at my interest anymore and I couldn't become the star. The same comps, the same maps, the same strategies. And when I took my break, my physical form got to the worst possible state, so I should have practiced like my life depended on it but it wasn't fun. I couldn't even feel the allure of becoming a star anymore.
Because the negative thoughts and shame started permeating my thoughts while I was doing nothing else, when I came to my senses I realized I'd been self-harming. I'd fallen into a moment's depression and made the wrong decision. When I thought to myself "The depression inside of me has become this big", I felt afraid. Because I felt like if I continued on like this, I might eventually kill myself in a heated moment.
No matter how I think about it, I feel like I've reached the end of my mental rope. I've become a lot more anxious compared to what I was like before, and I no longer have the confidence to endure in a world where positive outlooks have turned negative and a world that used to be filled with praise has turned into a world of curses and criticism. I don't want to foolishly act upon it and commit something like suicide. But no matter how I think about it, I think I need healing. I think I need to consult with doctors. I feel the need to block these growing negative thoughts. I feel like if I can't stop this, my emotions will become like that of a landslide, and bury me and swallow me up. I feel so ashamed at how I had been so brash and outspoken, but now I can't even do anything, so that's why I'm making this painful and scary decision.
I returned to the league with such energy, but I regret that I couldn't really show people anything before leaving. But Overwatch is seriously no fun anymore, and I don't want to keep stressfully practicing. I also felt rough receiving a salary that was more than what I was worth, and felt so sorry and ashamed of it. So I am going to retire as a pro gamer. I'll probably return to Youtube and streaming so I can provide for myself, but I think I'll still need some time before I'll be ready to return back to that like normal, too.
I'm sorry for the TMI. I'm usually not good at expressing my emotions with words, so once I get started, I can't stop. Thank you for reading this long post, and I'd really like to thank you for cheering for me all this time. I'll let you guys know I'm alive via the occasional social media post. Well, that's all, I'll be signing off now.