Robby · @robbyehz
4th Apr 2019 from TwitLonger
LFT S31 and my mental health
I've decided to look for a team for the upcoming season, however I'd like to provide some insight on some of the mental health issues I suffer from in order to be straightforward and honest with any teams potentially looking to pick me up. I'm also not looking to get sympathy or look like a saint as I've probably said some things in the past I shouldn't have, just want to be honest with people and myself. I've been hesitant to write something of this nature due to the poor stigma surrounding mental health(in general society), especially with how it is perceived among some members of the CS community. Some people may use this information to shit talk me, or it may drive teams away from trying me out altogether and that's okay. I suffer from a personality disorder known as SzPD which is quite complicated to try and explain in totality so I'll simplify it and explain how it effects me in CS.
SzPD makes it very difficult for me to create and maintain relationships and makes certain emotional boundaries quite important for me to uphold. This can make it very difficult for me to form close friendships with my teammates and limit the amount of team chemistry/trust I can build. Being Schizoid also creates byproducts of major depression and passive feelings of suicide/loss of passion. These two things can make it very difficult for me to avoid burnout and stay motivated/positive at times which hinders my ability to be the perfect teammate. However I try my best to be a good one. Playing in hubs (FPL, rank G, and FPL-C) is also quite hard for me because I'm very uncomfortable around people I'm unfamiliar with and often times play poorly.
The reason I've been bipolar about whether or not I want to continue playing competitive CS is due to the fact my therapist suggests I stop because it causes me a great deal of stress and receiving twitter DM's wishing death upon me and my family simply because I have a bad match can be very mentally demotivating/taxing, especially because I'm very hard on myself after a poor performance in general.
All in all, I've decided to continue pursuing CS and attempting to overcome my shortcomings as a player, because the odds of life are stacked against me anyways so I might as well try to make it in something I'm passionate about.
Here is my steam if you have any questions/inquiries:
https://steamcommunity.com/id/raaaaaab