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22nd Feb 2019 from TwitLonger

Complexity, MassiveIMPACT, and my future.

I've debated for awhile now whether or not to release a twitlonger explaining my situation as it stands after the aftermath of Complexity. I suppose I was afraid of how the public might perceive me after the statement. Although I guess I'm at point where I feel it can't be worse than it is, so why not.

With Complexity after our minor win and major run, I felt satisfied at how the team and I personally performed. The amount of time and effort I put in, not to mention I had found I feel as if an identity to my play style. I had also learned so much in terms of adjusting my play after playing against the different European/CIS styles. I was at a high point especially after our 3-0 in legend stage, while I'm disappointed about the quarter finals and that still aches me to this today, I was hopeful for the future. I guess what I didn't realize the mental toll and strain it put on myself and body.

Unfortunately, due to schedules and events we kept playing and playing even after nearly 3-4 months of near constant Counter Strike/travel and scrimmage. We went to a MSI tournament, and nearly won it except lost in a bo1 final although I noticed myself starting to become a lot more angry and frustrated despite nothing really changing. After MSI, we traveled to I believe Starladder. We placed very poorly there, and being knocked out so early - decided to boot camp longer. At this point I knew something was very wrong, because my concentration and attention was nonexistent. Peter (stanislaw) would call strats, or we would call setups and it simply would not register in my brain. I started to make so many careless mistakes due to my inability to concentrate. It was probably one of the most frustrating things I've ever dealt with (not to mention how my teammates felt).

My solution I felt to the issue was I was not putting enough time in, so I began to religiously study demos and practice. After all, It had worked well for me in the minor/major, and I improved a lot. I figured I'd work through the issue, and push myself to go further and more. So I did that, and I ended up making things even worse for myself. I began to get migraines and was so exhausted that I after practice I went straight to bed and just lied there till the next morning. On top of all that nonsense, I had family problems to try and deal with.

After Starladder, we had a few days off before a long series of online matches. Right after the bootcamp the team had made a decision to try and switch up roles and spots. Since I was playing pretty poorly a lot of my spots were changed to less effective ones, and to some degree I can't blame them for that since I started to perform terribly. Going into more online matches my mind was essentially broke, really began to push me even more over the edge. I became more irritable, and frustrated due to all the mistakes I was making.

My solution again? Push myself even harder, and this time we need to make an even bigger change. I'm going to take X person, and I'm going to replicate what he does to the smallest degree. I genuinely did study so many demos, looked at the smallest of small details - took settings and what I want to replicate and tried to implement it perfectly. The problem? Well, I'm not X player. Valuable lesson for anyone - you can have mentors or people you lookup to, but don't try to copy what they do. It's unique to them, just as your style is to you.

Not only am I playing terrible; I'm irritable, my whole game feels off due to the changes, and now my concentration is still nonexistent during team practice and some games. I began to get genuinely depressed, and that's something I haven't had experience dealing with before. I began to really hate life, CS and everything. So I started to isolate myself from everyone. I didn't have a support network either of really family and friends I could call upon since I moved away years ago. My lifestyle went from bad to worse, I had no energy to do anything so I just ordered UberEats everyday and lie in bed.

I continued to play and grind hoping things would eventually turn around. I figured that all it took was a few good games, and some more hours and I'd be back to normal. Except it didn't, and in fact it continued to get progressively worse despite my best efforts.

Our next event I believe was summit, and that went ok. It didn't have the same stress as the other tournaments and leagues and we played alright. After summit we had another 8-10 online matches, and that went poorly for me. I cannot tell you how depressed I was, and how much I tried to hide it and keep the team vibe good. Not to mention, around this time there were rumors that the team was looking for a roster change which just really sunk in.

Played two more tournaments and played pretty poorly in both, and that's when the team vibe really began to shift. Eventually towards the end I began to just not care at all, I was at point where I just couldn't. We had a few small little breaks in between, but naively I tried to practice to stay on point to end on a positive run.

I had thought about quitting and asking to benched a few times, but some part of me just couldn't and wanted to continue to work. Towards the end, after I officially got benched. I visited my Mom back in Indiana for two weeks. Everything caught up with me and I was in bed for nearly a week. I didn't get up to do anything, and frankly I didn't want to.. I just lied there. I slept for 16 hours nearly everyday and was essentially a zombie.

I started to get better towards the end of my trip to my Mom's but it was clear how much this affected me mentally. The last month I've been getting my life in check (everything I neglected), I've completely fixed my diet and have lost about 25 pounds (coming on 30) as of late. I've started to study more on the mental aspect. I had a lot of questions on figuring out my style, and how I want to play and I believe I have found a lot of the answers to them thanks to other sports.

I thought maybe would be the time to join a team (MassiveIMPACT) and start practicing again, but sadly right after I joined I had receive some real bad news from a family member. I feel guilty because I neglect some of my family relationships in the pursuit of CS. Even though I may never get the opportunity to talk to some of my family again. Not to mention I need time to in some sense find myself as a player. I tried so hard to implement another persons style that my whole feel, understanding, timing and even mechanics (tried to copy those as well) are wonky. So I'm leaving that as of today, till I fix all these issues.

I'm not quitting CS, I have goals I need to achieve and I can do them. Although what I've learned through this experience is I can't neglect myself. I need to be constantly working on all aspects of my life such as my diet and body. I also need to let my mind adequately rest and work on controlling my emotions in addition to my game.

Anyways, this was a long write but I hope that it might help someone out there who might be going through a similar situation. I find it ironic that I was a meme for being happy, but now here I am. Appreciate anyone who took the time to read it, and all the support I've received. I am so grateful.


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