I'm genuinely sorry, I fucked up. Here's how...
I'm genuinely sorry, I fucked up. Here's how...
I want to extend an apology to anyone I hurt with my words. I as a minority myself understand what it's like to be diminished and cast aside under generalizations and big umbrella assumptions, and if my words did that to you, i truly apologize.
It was not my intention, and I could've definitely worded things better to get my intended point across.
What had happened was, east coast servers seemed to be down for me. No matter what, I would get put into South American server games. After a lengthy queue time, I finally get into a game, only to discover that yes, the high ping's still there, and that i'm on a team with several people i recognize from NA. A bit into the match, I hear endless trailing complaints from my teammates, saying "this ping is horrible", "i can't play this game", things like that. I'm not that phased by it since I've VPNed before and have dealt with similar, and I just want my team to focus again, more than anything else. So, knowing (or I guess assuming) most of my teammates are NA, I try to rally them and give a pep talk, trying to jokingly say, "this is SA, you've dealt with way harder situations on east coast NA." But me, being the dumb shit i am, phrase it badly with "hey guys come on, focus, this is SA, players here are shit, we've got this". I didn't realize at the moment what a landmine I had tripped by saying it like that, but looking back, it was terrible of me.
I mean no hate towards South Americans. The angle I intended with that was more of a "just like with EU, there's less of a playerbase, less emphasis and support for esports, therefore less cutthroat competition like you'd see in KR servers for instance". I watch a couple of SA streamers and even contenders, and there is ABSOLUTELY a lot of talent and skill there.It was never my intention to downplay any of that. Again, in the moment, my thinking was that whatever I say in team chat, stays in team chat, as a poor excuse of a pep talk. I respect the grind and effort one has to put in to play this game and to get good at it, and that does not change regardless of their race, origin, sexual orientation, gender, anything.
I'm a firm believer that if you treat me respect, I'm going to extend the exact same to you, regardless of who you are and where you are. SA's a beautiful continent with some of the most gorgeous places and cultures, not to mention the home of my favorite world cup team. What I said was simply banter, albeit badly worded, and I don't wish an ounce of malice to anyone from SA.
Surely enough, as soon as the game came to a close, apparently the clip had already gotten around.
I IMMEDIATELY got hateful comments flooding chat, saying "you talk shit about SA but ur masters", "go back to playing sims you're fucking boosted", "go back to the kitchen, puta" and things that got progressively worse and more sexist, even homophobic, and so I do what I usually do when this happens on stream. I call them out on it, I get aggressive and stand up for myself because if I don't, who will? THIS is the aggression/anger that people might be talking about, but was honestly only in self defense.
I have the vod uploaded as proof. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1nOhk56uG0Rg5oAUM4G6pPhcD4Zawkcf8/view?usp=sharing
Unfortunately the original on twitch with chat and everything was deleted in a haze to stop the misunderstanding further, but if you doubt anything I've said so far, it's all here.
None of this is intended as a means to excuse my behavior BUT I do want to have my side of the story out there, y'know?
Now to address the other part some of you friends are concerned about. My toxicity/aggression.
I'm not going to shy away from this, the past while has been really difficult for me personally. I've been struggling with mental shit and a lot of extra hate and flame on platforms that i just wasn't accustomed to, and with all this added pressure and extra eyeballs, I definitely said things and acted in ways I was not proud of. I lost sight of my values, stopped focusing on myself, and let negativity get to me. I'm really sorry for letting you guys down, I know tilting streams are very hard to watch and get behind.
I hit what seemed to be rock bottom one night, and after dealing with SO much endless trolling and hate in chat that day, feeling like my time on twitch was over and that I just didn't have what it takes to last on the platform, I realized. I'm inviting this kind of negativity. The environment I set is exactly the kind of community it'll breed.
Lately I have been putting a lot of work into becoming much more mentally balanced and aware, working on mindfulness with meditation and finally getting to see a therapist, talking with friends I respect immensely to hear how they've worked past their own anger and frustration. I've been religiously working in exercise into the stream too, to keep blood pumping and energy focused, and a bunch of other little things to keep a constructive BUT forgiving mindset for both teammates and myself.
It's been feeling so great lately to be much more in control, not have win/losses dictate my mood for the day and the day after that, and to be able to let go of the mistakes of both teammates and myself. I know I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go before I'm mentally healthy but I'm willing to own up to the mistakes I've made in the past, and will make in the future. I'm going to keep grinding and growing as a person and an entertainer, and for those I've scared away, all I ask is that maybe you give me a second chance in a month or two. I have every motivation to change for the better and I promise the stream's going to be more kickass with every day to come.
I hope this clears up some things.
Thanks for hearing me out. Love you guys.