fiery · @fieryrage
7th Jan 2019 from TwitLonger
thank you for the support
i dont deserve it.
ill just get the more important things out of the way:
- i never went to the hospital. i didn't go the few days prior that i said i did on discord, either. i was not lying about getting a therapist again, though: i went ahead and had my mom call the therapist we went to a year ago when i really needed help and we scheduled weekly appointments again, like it was before.
- i never made a noose. if i did, i wouldn't be here right now. my parents already hid everything that could be considered remotely dangerous to my health a year ago when i tried finding a knife to cut myself with during the night. i tried searching while they were away for anything and i couldn't find anything in time.
to those wondering why i streamed today, regardless of how short it was: the discord i made for my subs agreed that if i was feeling well i might as well try to distract myself and have fun. school starts tomorrow, after all. i tried my hardest to recover from last night and i wanted to just relax a bit. within minutes it already went to shit so i had to stop. and that's why i'm writing this right now.
i know im an attention whore. its not something new for me to fake a suicide attempt or fake much of anything, really. for that im sorry. lying about going to the hospital, much less suicide is not something anyone should ever do. i havent learned my lesson the past times ive done it, but with the outreach of support and sympathy that i quite literally do not deserve at all, there's nothing else i can do but to learn from it at this point. im just hoping this time i actually learn and dedicate myself to it unlike the past one thousand times i have in my life.
yesterday was one of the worst days ive ever had in my life and i dont know how else to express that. between the love of my life breaking up with me (you can rant about edating all you want and how you "set yourself up for failure" by doing it, it lasted a year and i was fooled into thinking it would work out; as for getting another relationship god knows im never getting anyone irl considering how little friends i have there and fucked if anyone's ever going to even want to be close to me online after this debacle), stress over school starting up again, stress over bad relationships with friends i play with, everything came together and it just snowballed into something that i didnt have any control over. in hindsight i would have never done any of the things that i did yesterday, and honestly i should have just slept until i was in a half decent spot to think properly. but, sadly, i act on impulse rather than reason, which is the reason any of this even happened to begin with (and also half my mistakes too, come to think of it: throwback to the thousand times i said i would quit https://old.reddit.com/r/osugame/comments/7s1esm/fieryrage_qquits_oisu/ and the one drama between me and idke a few years ago that was fun).
im sorry to those that were genuinely concerned about me and im sorry for not just immediately coming out and saying this so that there would be no room for misinterpretation or me saying stupid shit that i know full well i will regret 30 minutes later. i should have never said what i did and i should have just left the online world alone for longer than two minutes. for all of this, i am genuinely sorry. i fully expect there will be a lot of people unhappy with me because of this and that is fine. it's what i deserve.
im not asking for forgiveness or for people to pity me. im just trying to set everything straight and apologize. i appreciate the kind thoughts and wishes, i just dont deserve any of them. i hope you all understand.