Colin ❁ · @fras6r
4th Jan 2019 from TwitLonger
Telling a story.
I'm cleaning my hands of everything today. Everything I hid, even without meaning to, and everything in between.
I could talk about where this might've all started, so that maybe people might understand me better. I think I will, although I want it to be clear I don't want anyone's sympathy. That would take away from the whole point of this anyway. In fact, feel free to ignore the first two paragraphs after this, because unless you care about what's wrong with me as a person, you won't find what you're looking for. As a captain going down with his ship, my only priority is getting everyone what they need and deserve. My problems don't matter, so you can ignore them if you like.
My name is Colin, and I've always thought of myself as a disgusting human being. I hated myself, I lived in a family that went on and off between loving me and ignoring me. I lived around people that knew how to make money, but not how to be human; I had parents that would rather spend time yelling and smashing things or being out of the house, rather than showing any love to their son. I had siblings over twice my age that I could never understand, who, (maybe unintentionally), consistently belittled me. When I was younger, all I ever had was my damn computer.
I spent most of my time outside home acting out for attention, screaming and getting into petty fights, trying to get anyone to acknowledge me for literally anything. I was starved for it, and I think that's how this all started. I really just wanted to be liked, and to be praised, I thought the only way to do that would be to be better than anyone else in the world. I hated my home, I hated my family, I was scared of what would happen to me, surrounded by people that I could only see as heartless and insane. I thought I was going to go crazy like they did one day, maybe I already did. Actually, I'm sure of it, I went crazy a long time ago. My skinny wristed hands are shaking now while I type this, because a part of me is still afraid. I won't run away, though. I could private my accounts and run, but I can't do that to the people who actually believed in me, and I can't do that to myself. I'd never be able to live with that. You should know, if I'm going to be fully honest, though, that I am scared. I am definitely more terrified, of everything, of myself, than you could ever imagine.
Although in the end, I've come to realise I don't matter, and trying to be special was a mistake. I don't think anyone really cares much about what I typed up there, maybe it was more to help myself. I'm posting this to air my own dirty laundry, but I don't really want anyone's pity. I just want to say something to someone, to anyone, even if they don't care, because keeping it bottled in forever is going to kill me. But I'm not asking for pity, and I certainly don't want attention right now.
What really matters is recent events, as well as what people are going to be getting.
I owe an apology, because I was under the impression that people were aware of our situation more than they were, and that is my fault. I was supposed to be the person who started all of this, the man in charge, but Carter and Myra interacted with almost everyone almost all of the time. There was resentment for the things I didn't, or couldn't do, and I knew it, but I didn't do anything about it because I thought that things would be okay in the end. I should've known better; as soon as our shady investment vanished, they stopped being willing to deal with me for the moron I am, so they left to take care of themselves. No one can blame them for that, and I think that in saying the things that Myra did, and putting some blame on me, she did the right thing. I wanted us to be the best, to be better than others and to last forever. I hated all those shady, disgusting Denials and Icebergs, I wanted to show the world, or maybe myself, that I could do better. I wanted to prove how ridiculous it was for those people to fail when an idiot like me could succeed. Sometimes, pride is a disgusting thing.
I'll clarify that I didn't try to hold off on incorporation, though. I'm not sure where that came from, because I was actually begging for it. I was grilled constantly about almost everything regarding the insides of the business when I would go out to get money (which was my primary purpose, maybe the only one I was worth besides graphic design), so I tried to put more pressure on us to make sure things were done properly because I was ready to have a nervous breakdown almost every day. It doesn't matter, though. It wouldn't have been a problem if I could do it all myself, and if I'd waited a little longer, I could have.
In regards to transparency about the innards of the business, I genuinely thought people knew more than they did. Just before or after the Battalion Major, (can't quite remember), Myra raised serious concerns about things she said, or avoided saying, plus her worries about incorporation. She was angry about the things she'd told people, the things she'd refused to say. I told her that I wasn't worried, I didn't care about anything she said about me, and I was actually confused about why she felt the need to lie about or omit anything. I told her that she could say whatever she wanted, but maybe I wasn't clear enough. Maybe my words didn't match my actions, so she took it upon herself to protect that information anyway. In its own way, that's still my fault.
Our investment allowed us to do great things, but it was built on a shady foundation with me using myself as a novelty item for people to throw money at, just because it was "cool". It was a mistake to rely on that, it was a mistake to manipulate people like that, it was a mistake to not push for more reliable sources of money from the start. For all my talk about being smart with money, about being smart with how I got it, I was just as greedy and arrogant as everyone else, and when I saw the dollar signs I just ran towards them.
As for how much knowledge Carter and Myra would've had from the beginning, they knew everything, of course. Carter started all of this with me, although I came up with the name and designed the logo, Carter was here and presented a few ideas here and there. Myra came on only shortly after, if my memory serves me correctly, at most, she hopped onto the project a month after it started. From what I understood, Carter made sure she understood the whole situation from the start, although, I'd guess some information came along the way through context clues rather than being directly spoken. I'd place the blame for that on myself, as well. Maybe Carter a little, but I don't remember much of that situation, and I don't want to put blame on him for something that could easily not be his fault.
Carter and Myra are both hard working people with great futures, I want them to have the best opportunities out there, and Myra, along with the League division, already have some great ones lined up, which I'm happy for. It's a weight off my mind.
During the last weeks of December, the investment suddenly pulled out and we were left scrambling to find something new. These past couple weeks have been the most stressful of my life. I was already constantly passing out, throwing up, functioning on 3 hours of sleep. There was one incident in particular where I ended up losing my vision and hearing in the middle of the day for about an hour, which was apparently caused by severe stress and anxiety. Once again, though, I need to remind myself not to talk about my own issues too much, this is supposed to be about everyone else. Myra did her best to talk to as many people as she could, approached every contact she got her hands on, but in the end, she didn't feel confident in continuing the project and found better opportunities for herself and the League of Legends division that she built. I respect her decision fully, I completely understand why she did it. The only reason she put up with me in the first place was because I managed to get us so much money, and what sane person wouldn't want the chance to work with all of that? No, I don't blame her at all. Not for anything, I never will.
During this time, I'd gotten to the point that my mental issues (involving my family, my social life) and my poor physical health were getting to a really bad point, so I decided now would be the best time to leave. Incorporation coming in, as well as my continued belief in my own incompetence, lead me to believe that now would be the best time to bow out and let people that I believed in handle everything. I told this to Myra and Carter, saying I was ready to leave, that I would be happier if they took full control as soon as I finished everything we owed in December.
Of course, that leads us here, where, I woke up in the morning to the news that Myra decided to leave. I knew that she was going to if opportunities didn't come soon, I just didn't expect it this early. Carter decided now would be the best time for him to get out, too. He has his own issues to deal with that I won't talk about, and I respect his decision too. I hope he gets the motivation to continue with his passions back, because he deserves to be happy.
I started my day thinking that I could at least save everything for long enough to get everyone a new home to go to, but I guess that's out of the window, too. No one believes in me, now. No one ever should have.
I should've done more things on my own, should've stopped relying on other people to take care of things for me. I should've done my own research on how things worked, rather than being misinformed by *certain people*'s reassurances because I didn't want to bother. I shouldn't have manipulated misinformed investors to put their money towards me, nor should I have presented a giant scheme when I should've known that I was working on borrowed time, with a foundation that was bound to crumble if I didn't fix it right away.
There's only one thing left to do.
Everyone's going to get what they're owed. No one has to worry about that, I'll work myself dry until I'm a pile of bones if I have to. No one goes without what they were meant to have, absolutely no one. If I create a mess, it's mine. No one gets punished except me. Talk to me if you have questions, spam me with messages every day if you want, make sure you get what you want from me. I promise I'll do everything.
I wanted to be better, but I failed right from the start by trying to be something I'm not. I am sorry for that. But I swear on everything that I will fix the mess I made.