My 2018, eUnited and the Future
I want to start this off by saying I bear no ill will towards my teammates, the organization and any staff that we worked with. I wish them nothing but success. That being said, I wanna paint you a little timeline of my time on the roster to help illustrate some of my frustrations. I've always kept to myself whenever things happen within a team, and I'm not usually one to do this but I feel like this will help clear up some public confusion (because believe me, it is confusing).
My 2018 and time w/ eUnited:
I joined this roster when they were still contracted w/ Rise, and due to an unfortunate circumstance the team had no IGL. So, I was thrust into the IGL role (for the first time) out of necessity but tackled it head on. In 4 months after signing w/ eU we qualified for EPL, qualified for ECS and almost made the LAN in our first season, and almost made the major (placing 3rd and eliminating NRG, the favorites for the minor). Shortly after this the FNS move happened (sort of from left field from my POV), but I took it in stride and was excited to move into the new role of primary (albeit on 'trial' for the role). We also just got a brand new IGL so we were kind of working up from square one again. I was pouring hours into the game, watching demo's of top awpers, etc. It had been 9 days since the FNS signing was announced, when Dust2 reported eUnited was looking to pick up Cooper. The following day HLTV released an article confirming that eUnited had in fact picked him up (a surprise to me. We had talked about Cooper some before, but the article announcing he was signed blindsided me). This was days before IEM Chicago (and shortly after IEM Chicago we attended DH Atlanta), so it certainly didn't even feel like I was given a 'trial' if this signing was in the works and announced only ~10 days after my trial started. So for those next two tournaments I continued playing a role I know I was going to be replaced in, all-together playing the role for ~3 weeks. Now came decision time, and the team decided to trial me into ANOTHER new role (entry) as Dazzle was moved to the bench. We started practicing with essentially two new roles and a relatively new IGL. We qualify for the minor, all seems well & nobody says anything otherwise. We get back from the bootcamp and go on a break for the holiday where I receive a call basically telling me the team decided to go w/ Dazzle etc.
In ~2 months, the team had made 4 changes (5 if you consider the coach being fired & that whole mess). I got moved from IGL to Awping, and with only 8-9 days of practice in my "trial" basically found out via a HLTV article that someone was already being signed for that role. Then got moved to ANOTHER role (with a brand new awper and a relatively new IGL), and with only 2-3 weeks of a trial period was benched (had no matches during this period, just practice. Only matches we ended up playing were at the very end where we qualified for the minor and lost 1 BO3 vs Rogue in a Starladder qualifier). I left out some details, but you get the gist. I will let you draw your own conclusions from this but hopefully you can understand some of my frustration.
Now I want to reiterate that I'm not bitter or vindictive, and I'd like to think I'm still friends w/ my "ex"-teammates and I wish them the best. I like to think I'm a relatively mature and professional person, and if the TEAM had decided they wanted to go in a different direction then no hard feelings and I'd understand. I just don't think there was a reasonable time given in either iteration of the roles to even see close to where we'd be after building chemistry and waiting for things to fall into place etc.
Now the last few months of my 2018 had come to a rather somber close. I do a pretty good job of appearing positive on the surface, but tbh I've been at a pretty low point mentally, emotionally, even physically. Unhappy with myself, having issues in my personal and professional life. I don't want this post to serve as some sympathy seeking pity-party, but more as a wake up call and a reminder to myself. A quote I liked, which is often attributed to Confucius: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." and believe me, I intend to rise. So many people give up right as they're about to reach success, and giving up just isn't in my blood. I'm gonna pull myself out of this low point and focus my energy and soul into the things I'm passionate about and never stop on the path of self-improvement. I'm gonna start going to the gym again, I'm going to hit the stream grind like never before during this potential break. Another great quote by Winston Churchill, “Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.” One of those things for me is CS. I don't play for the paycheck, I play for my love of the game and that fire still burns within my heart to continue to grind, to improve, to compete, to try and attain glory. I've hit some unlucky bumps along the way and I don't know what my future holds, just know no matter what it is I will pour my everything into it so in the end I can live with no regrets knowing I tried my best.
To anyone else still with me, I thank you for reading my whole post. I wish you the best of luck going into the new year and I hope you find success no matter what your aspirations may be. Thank you to any and all fans who have supported me whether you're a recent one because of org affiliation or simply a fan of me, your support means more than you'll ever know and without you guys we'd be nothing. Let's make 2019 great. <3