Addressing my actions from Twitchcon
I wanna start with what I said was stupid and not an accurate representation of who I am. I completely understand why people feel the way they do about me since what I said was trash. This was my first time speaking publicly in front of a live audience and I was not prepared. Although I am a small streamer, my actions still reflect not only myself but the communities I belong to.
For those unaware, during Twitchcon I made some dumb remarks on a panel I was a part of and received a tremendous amount of backlash for it. The resulting backlash I received was unlike anything I had experienced before so I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it or how to respond to it. I chose to ignore it for the weekend and then to address it later (now).
Here is (roughly since i mumbled and stuttered a lot) what I said on the panel:
“It's kind of like low-key like god complex kind of thing, I don’t feel like many of my viewers should relate themselves to me… and this is like, kinda like, super weird...I do think of myself as better than...there’s no good way to say this but I think of myself as above the average person so I don’t feel like many people could relate to me.”
Looking at these words afterward, I can see why they received the response they did. It was completely just a garbage thing to say and I don’t think I could’ve chosen worse words
These words do not reflect my beliefs as a person or my views of streaming. It was my first real public speaking experience and I was extremely nervous. When I said “there's no good way to say this” I wasn’t trying to brace the audience for a spicy take but trying to preface that I didn’t feel I was going to be able to construct a good explanation of what I wanted to say--and I totally did not.
Let me be clear: I DO NOT believe that my life is any more valuable or important than the life of another. I DO NOT expect or feel entitled to anything from life to be given to me over another person.
The whole “I believe that I’m better than the average person” thing is a mindset that I’ve acquired as a result of my personal lack of self discipline and motivation. I struggled with this for years. It wasn’t even until the last year that I had truly felt like I had conquered some of my insecurities. I did that by making myself believe that I was better. When it came to dieting, exercise, and my own personal obligations and responsibilities, I used the “I am better” mentality to push through. If I felt like skipping a workout or cheating on my diet, I would tell myself “The easy thing to do would be to skip (or cheat) but you’re better than that, so you won’t.”
I felt like this mindset was very healthy for me and I feel like most people who are successful at what they do must believe this as well. I attribute the most growth I’ve had as a person to living by that mindset and I wanted to share with the audience that putting everything you have into what you do is the best way to feel satisfied. I wanted to express that having a mindset where you are complacent with being average or with producing content that you don’t fully believe was made to the best of your abilities can kill passion and make you feel horrible.
What I was really saying was that I don’t WANT my viewers to relate to me because I am so far from where I want to be.
I don’t feel that when I stream that I portray the best parts of me, and the parts that I do display tend to be things I don’t want my viewers to copy or to learn from. I complain a lot when speedrunning or playing multiplayer games. I am very sarcastic and can be very mean when talking to trolls or people I just don’t get along with. I don’t always think that the me I display on stream is a me that I want to be.
I received a message from one of my old wrestling coaches from high school saying that I looked just like this asshole from a video he saw from a gaming convention. It wasn’t until then that I had realized just how far the consequences of my actions reached.
I hurt the reputation of Twitch, the speedrunning community at large, and gaming in general by being a complete jackass in front of millions. I am very sorry for not better preparing myself for the panel and for making a fool of the communities that I pride myself with being a part of.
As for the other things that people have said about me like that I don’t care about or respect my viewers, I assure you that just isn’t true. I recognize that a lot of what I choose to do now as a streamer is not what most (or anyone) would consider a “successful path.” But I do not stream with the intent of making money or for becoming famous. I do it to be better. I stream because I enjoy it.
I’m truly sorry for what I said and I should’ve apologized sooner rather than try to meme the shit out of it on my stream afterward and doubling down on being a dickhead. All things considered, I had a great time at Twitchcon this year and I felt like the event was fantastic. I’m sorry for leaving a blemish upon a great event and the community.
If you do have additional questions or would like further clarification, please let me know. I am happy to talk with you.
This past weekend I made a fool of myself and grossly misspoke during a panel I was apart of. What I said was absolutely garbage and I made a horrible example of the gaming and streaming communities. I’m sorry for not better preparing myself for the panel and for being a jackass with how I chose to respond to it prior to now.