Bijou Demigorgon 💀 · @BijouDemi
11th Oct 2018 from TwitLonger
In honor of #mentalhealthawarenessday. An open letter: I am Bipolar
As a lot of you know, Today is #MentalHealthAwarenessDay. As most of you know, I try very hard to be honest and vulnerable when it comes to discussing my own mental health battles and supporting others while they fight theirs. However, I feel I owe you guys more transparency.
In March of 2017 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. It was a revelation filled with both solace and grief. Having a name for all the things I always felt were wrong with me, knowing that they were symptoms I could not 'fix' on my own, was the greatest relief I've ever felt.
However, it also meant that I was sick. And I will always be sick. Life will forever be a balancing act of managing this illness as best I can. Fighting tooth and nail for all the pieces of happiness I can find, hoping one day to assemble them into a makeshift puzzle I can be proud of. It's a part of me. That's something I have worked to accept and find comfort in the past year and a half.
But the scariest part of all is knowing others will use this to define me. Bipolar is an incredibly misunderstood disorder. Did you know that bipolar is actually a spectrum? I didn't. Most people don't. I wish I had. Ignorance and misinformation are widespread and the stigma is so, so intimidating.
People throw the word 'bipolar' around constantly. Most people use it as just another way to call somebody crazy. It's used to demean someone acting in a way they consider inappropriate, irrational or over the top. It's a dismissal. An invalidation of whatever you're feeling or thinking.
Choosing to put that label on myself is nerve wracking at best. I'm terrified of people using my illness against me. Dismissing or insulting me any time I express emotion or passion. Using my own brain as a weapon against me, telling me I'm wrong or that what I think and feel doesn't matter. Everything is just an "episode" that I need to get over. Nothing has ever made me feel more invisible or alone.
As silly as it may sound, this feels a bit like a 'coming out' of sorts. In a way I guess it is. This is one of my biggest vulnerabilities as a human being and putting it out there for the world to see is incredibly frightening. But although my disorder doesn't define me, it's a huge part of me and always will be. It's hard to feel genuine when I'm hiding such an important aspect of my daily life. I desperately want to help those around the world who struggle the way I do or are fighting other battles in their brain. So even if it results in some discomfort or hurt or increased harrassment, it's worth it. I want you all to know that you are not alone. I'm with you. And it helps just as much to know that you are with me.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for loving me through ever obstacle. Thank you for helping me feel seen. I hope I can help you feel seen too.
I love you all to the moon and back <3