Gevous · @GevousLoL
4th Oct 2018 from TwitLonger
This is my story and why I chose to not be Head Coach of MRS next split.
For a long period of time, I have had many issues in my private life. And this moment in time, I have to prioritize my personal (mental) health. So to give context and understanding, I will play with open cards. Just as disclaimer; I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I am purely looking to grant insight. Many people in this world go through similar painful experiences and I think society should be aware of this being a very common fact. Either way, I consider all of this is making me a stronger person. Of course your support is highly appreciated, but I’m not fishing for pity. I just want to share my story. Whilst I am posting this, I will open up my DM’s on Twitter, may you want to share anything with me.
Starting with what happened at the end of last year; on December 22nd of 2017. My sister committed suicide. Two weeks prior, she gave birth to her beautiful daughter Nola. Nola is well and healthy. She is a very happy baby. My brother-in-law is a great father and luckily there is a family all taking very well care of her. Right after my sister passed, we as a family took all responsibility and shared the care for Nola. This was the main reason I was not present during the first split of 2018.
Before and during my sister’s pregnancy, she was suffering from depression. And eventually was diagnosed with postpartum depression. She started creating a false reality. She was seeing problems where they did not even exist. You could say that she was brainwashed in her own believes. Multiple times did she come to me one night, when she and my brother-in-law were sleeping over (whilst pregnant), telling me how she didn’t want to live anymore - not wanting to suffer anymore - worried that her baby would have a bad life. She didn’t want the same bad youth for her child as she experienced herself. Every time we managed to pull through, that what she was seeing was not the true reality. Every time she got a bit of strength and hope back after showing our support to her, but she kept stuck in a loop. Everyone was certain she would be an awesome mother, but she often times could not see it. These were problems that kept lingering on for months. It’s like a spiral effect; once you go down, you keep spiraling down.
What ultimately made her take this step of committing suicide, is that she thought that she would be a bad mother. She thought it was better for everyone around her and Nola, that she would not exist anymore. Now, this might sound biased from her brother, but I can swear to you that I have never seen a person this loved by her surroundings. She made a huge positive impact on people around her. My sister was an elementary school teacher. She has always been everyone’s favourite teacher. Even when she would visit her former workplace, children still had paintings saved for her. Awaiting her return to be able to give their paintings to her. The kids she was teaching, she was always helping them do better in school. She was loving the kids like it were her own. And she thought she would be a bad mother?! Also, guess how many people showed up to her funeral… more than 1500 people came to her funeral ceremony. Loads of people had to stand outside of the building, because there was no more room inside. As well for many families of the kids she taught, were present there. People that didn’t have contact with her for a decade, still took the effort to travel from the other side of the country to join her funeral. She moved people.
Honestly, I swear to my own grave that I am not making these things up. But this shows how serious depression can be. How twisted it can make your mind. So many people loved her, yet she could not see it. And that is where the problems from her youth come in to play. In short; we have an alcoholic and (emotionally) abusive father. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. We grew up as people pleasers; with our main goal to do whatever to please our father. Of course, he is a man that could never be pleased. And that’s where he would manipulate us (including our mother). So you could imagine, that if you are educated this way since age 0, it will have serious consequences on someone’s personality. Thus ending up in grades of personality issues. Even after my dad survived gullet cancer (caused by his alcoholism) with a 12% chance to survive and after losing his daughter by suicide… he refuses to change. Where he KNOWS that he was a major cause of my sister committing suicide. So cutting out such an insane and toxic person, is for the better of my own health and for the people around me.
So not too long after my sister’s death, I officially cut off contact with my dad (not the first time this happened - but this time it is for good). He crossed a line that can never be reversed. To me it was like he spat on my sister’s grave for his own self-pity. Details don’t matter here. I won’t ever forgive him. He already got a million chances. And I especially won’t give him another one ever again after using my sister’s suicide to his advantage to try and manipulate others.
During this time, I was changing places and homes. Because I had no more home to go to at my parent’s place. And I didn’t have my own place, due to me changing countries a lot for work. Luckily family and friends were there to support me and could give me a place to sleep. I couldn’t leave the Netherlands yet, since I had appointments with a specialized psychological institute. I already wanted to work on these personality problems even before my sister’s suicide. I have been long aware of these issues. But after this incident, it gives me even more importance to work on my mental health.
Somewhere in the middle of all this happening, Movistar Riders approached me to offer me a Head Coach position at the start of 2018. I explained them that there was no possible way for me to accept the job in these circumstances. Riders was very understanding to the situation and they wanted to have me work with the organization and staff in whatever way possible. In the first split I worked part-time as a remote coach/analyst, helping in whatever way I could. They gave me all the time I needed and I will always remain very grateful for their compassion and understanding.
So the second split of 2018 I returned to full-time coaching. We had a very dominant run in the regular season of LVP; having won the regular split, MVP of the split award for Hatrixx and I earned the award for coach of the split. Sadly we didn’t make it happen in our semi-final match versus MAD Lions and lost 3-2 in a very close match. Still in our minds we won a lot this split. Just of the sheer growth we have shown as people, players and staff. And I am very proud of everyone of us for having grown this way. This is the impact I want to have with our staff and organization. To facilitate players for long term growth. And I think for almost everyone we could grant this growth (with a lot of importance lessons to learn for our own too).
Nevertheless… now it’s time for me again to work on my personal matters. My sister and I went through a similar youth and I have too gone through a heavy depression in my teenage years. Our problems are so deeply ingrained in our personalities, that it takes time and specialized therapy to improve these and hopefully resolve them. It has always been holding me back . And it’s not just for the benefit of my own personal happiness. It’s also for the benefit of my own potential and for the people around me, including friends, family and for (future) people I will coach. I know that I can be so much more than I am right now. So in order to take steps forward… I need to take a step back to facilitate progression in the future. And obviously I don’t want my past to have a turn on me like it did for my sister. That’s what my sister wouldn’t have wanted for me either. She was always protective to me and took over a lot of parental roles when I was a kid. Our parents neglected us a lot when they had their own company attached to our home. Which was the reason why back then my sister was like a mother to me. I wouldn’t have been the person now without her care for me. And I want to keep carrying this love she had for others.
For the people wondering: yes, my sister was under psychological help. Neither did the head psychologist see the suicide coming. The psychologist called us after the incident, assuring that he did not foresee it. Otherwise he would have taken action by having her taken up (as in “internal therapy” - I am not familiar with the English terminology). Either way, the sad truth is: generally speaking, suicide cannot be prevented. People that have sunken that deep will find a way and there’s nothing we could have done about it. We literally did everything we could to help and support her. So in a way, we have a little bit of peace by knowing we did everything possible. This was her decision and we couldn’t have changed it. The wounds of her past were too deep to be mended.
My sister was the most important person for me in the world. We had a very strong bond. Still every night I dream of her. Some of ‘m are good, but nightmares often occur too, since so much is linked to my past as well. There is no day that goes by without thinking of her. And this will be a life time process… It might sound weird. But overall I handle quite well on it. And I think the reason for that, is that I very well understand what made her lead to these decisions, where they come from and how she felt. The feeling of wanting to end life is not unfamiliar to me.
There is so much more I can write and share, but I think there’s enough I told you already (and it’s quite a wall of text). May you be going through depression yourself right now. I want you to know that you are an amazing human being. You carry a lot of potential and don’t let people in your toxic environment tell you differently. If you keep fighting, you will ascend from this period of time. It will make you stronger.
May you know anyone that is going through depression. Be there for them. Show them love. They need to hear how awesome they are. And they are awesome. It’s nearly impossible to go through life with demons lingering everywhere, either in their head or environment. They don’t see what great people they are. How strong they are for dealing with this bull sh*t. They don’t see how great and happy their life can be if they manage to carry on and look to find fixes. They can achieve so many great things.
And of course… find help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We are all humans that need help from others to survive. And there’s nothing wrong with it. No one deserves to end up in a similar fate as my sister, like so many other people have already in this world. You deserve it.
As for my career; I will remain part of the Movistar Riders staff (part-time), while I take the time to work on myself. What official role I will take, is something we are still looking into. Possibilities include a variety of options. I have already been doing some non-League of Legends related tasks this post-LVP season. I even have helped our Rainbow Six: Siege team to improve their structure and environment. And for the short time having worked with them, I see improvement. And honestly it’s quite fun to experience different esports and people. It really puts my knowledge and experience in new perspective. But we will find out soon enough what my tasks will be for the coming time period. There are plenty of options to consider. We basically look to have the best possible impact role I can have despite my situation.
Coaching is just something in me that I want and need to keep doing. I love this job. I don’t feel whole without it. It has helped me achieve immense growth. Especially working with Riders is a blessing with people like Fernando, Deilor, Sens, Jandro, SpiritGG and many others. They have faith in me and my work. And it’s why they want to keep me in the organization, no matter what. They prioritize my health above all and support me through and through. So I thank Riders not only as a colleague but also as a Riders family member. I thank everyone for their support. And a special thanks to people that are close to me. Without them I wouldn’t have had the strength to carry on.
I don’t know for how long I will be out of active coaching, but I am planning to return once I’m done with my personal business. And I am excited for that time to arise again.
Thank you for taking your time reading and for understanding. It’s of great importance to me that I can share this openly and I hope it can support the cause of spreading awareness around depression.
I love you all!