Zack · @Asmongold
19th Sep 2018 from TwitLonger
An update
I debated on making this a more dramatic post but instead I'll just be straightforward.
Ever since the BFA hype started and my stream began doing very well I basically sidelined everything so that I could focus entirely on my stream. Doing that has led to a lot of negative side effects for my health on a mental and physical level. I don't think there's been a single day in the past 2 months that I've slept for more than 5 hours at a time (usually I sleep for 8-9). It's worn me down and it's at the point now where basically every day I wake up and I feel like I'm dying.
This also ties into some of my dental health as well, I didn't want to take time off in order to get certain things fixed because I would have had to miss 3 consecutive days to do so. This led to some of my teeth deteriorating to the point where I had to use pliers to break off a tooth that was hurting me so that I'd be able to do my stream the next day. I would have shown it on stream for shock value but I thought it would have been against the ToS.
The worst part about this whole situation is what it's done to me mentally, however. I'm constantly stressed out about everything to a point where it's unhealthy. Every day I have literally hundreds of people trying to get my attention, get me to do things, and pulling me each in a different direction (If you're my friend and you're reading this thinking it's about you, it's probably not). I can be a very outgoing person but I have a limit and I'm being pushed way beyond that limit. You need to remember that I've spent the majority of my life by myself playing video games and I am very comfortable and happy that way. It's hard to reconcile my "professional" aspirations with my personal preferences.
This stress is also combined with the fact that I live with my mom because she's old and disabled so that I can take care of her and manage an entire household for not only myself but also for her. If anything goes wrong, it's entirely on me to fix it. My dad is also getting pretty old, this year alone I've had to take him to the hospital twice.
Those aspirations have led me to ignore real life friends (sorry Eric and Alec), ignore time with my family, and ruin relationships. Was it worth it? I guess I can tell you in 20 years.
I've always been a nihilist in basically every way you can define it. I've never cared about other people, I've never cared about morality, I've never even cared about myself. I spent the vast majority of my life being a detriment to society and I loved it. It never mattered to me if I was successful or if I was a failure. I never had any sort of worries, rarely any stress, and hardly any motivation to do anything.
That is, until about a year ago. At that point I had just gotten my sub button and my stream was seeing levels of success that I never expected. It was the first time in my life that I had ever been successful in something that mattered. I applied the same motivation and will towards my stream that I've used to achieve anything that I've wanted in the past and in this last year I've achieved more than I could ever have hoped for.
The worst part about this success is that it's made me CARE about my stream. I feel guilty when I miss days, I feel disappointed when my streams are boring, I care.
While it might not make sense, this absolutely terrifies me. I don't *want* to care, I just want to enjoy myself and play video games. Rest assured, this is not any sort of a quitting post. I can't stop and I won't stop. I just need to calibrate myself to deal with things in a more healthy way.
So what does that mean for us going forward? What am I going to do differently?
---I'm not sure what's causing my sickness but a lot of drs who've graduated from Reddit university think it's because my house is a mess. I'm going to be spending tomorrow cleaning as much shit up as possible and removing any dead animals or mold that's growing around the house. This is mostly for the sake of the scientific method so that I can remove a variable that could be potentially be making me sick, I personally don't think it'll make a difference.
---Going to sleep earlier. Pretty self-explanatory, I need to sleep more and I want to stream earlier for my EU audience so that I can end in the afternoon and still spend the evening with people in real life or just by myself.
---If, after I start getting enough sleep, I still feel sick, I will reform my diet. Hopefully it doesn't come to this but I will do whatever it takes.
---Eating more often. I need to eat more food.
---Create a larger range of content. This means more videos, more text posts, more content in general even in WoW. I've been creating content since I was 8 years old. Right now I only livestream and I feel that it has given me a limited perspective in regards to what I can do.
---Relax.
Some of these things will happen overnight and some will take longer, but in a way myself putting out this list is a commitment because I know you fuckers will bring it up if I end up straying off track.
It's been a wild fucking ride and it's not over, but I need an oil change. I plan to be back online Thursday and then stream for the weekend and see how I feel after that. I love what I do and I want to do more of it, I just need to make sure that the direction I'm taking is healthy for me.
If you've read this far, I'm sorry I didn't have time to make it shorter, but thank you.