Stan Collymore · @StanCollymore
10th Sep 2018 from TwitLonger
To those struggling.
Firstly, and most importantly, if you or anyone you know or care about is struggling with a mental health issue or you believe they are, please please reach out to them. The suicide statistics currently are not good, and amongst youngsters suicide is on the rise.
TEENAGE SUICIDE STATISTICS UK- Up 67% since 2010
MALE SUICIDES UK-4383 deaths in 2017.
MEN AGED 45-49 have the highest suicide rate in the UK
WOMEN AGED 50-54 have the highest suicide rate amongst women in the UK
5821 suicides in the UK last year.
Preventable deaths, each a tragedy with lasting effects spreading out into families and friends.
Reach out to them in real time in a real and tangible way. Social media counts, but an in person " are you ok, fancy a chat/walk/beer/coffee" is the best way.
Why? You can see people who are struggling, the eyes and demeanour even with their "i'm ok " mask on, never lies. So please, particularly youngsters who only seem to communicate via social media, try the above, you may well save a life.
I struggle anytime between September and December. Seasonal depression for me is a trigger.
A trigger is anything that sets of a depressive cycle and can vary wildly from person to person.
Job, finances, friendships, relationships, sad times or anniversaries, changes in season, almost anything can trigger depression, and i liken it to that thread of cotton at the bottom of a t-shirt. Something innocuous when pulled can in a minute ruin your threads, literally! Depression triggers are very similar so i wanted to share mine in real time.
The last year for me has been a magical working year, but incredibly challenging. a lot of tv in a lot of countries with the odd mild bout of depression ere and there but nothing significant. I proved to myself that my durability , graft and work rate put to the test in extreme circumstances can yield fantastic results and results in no more or less depression than sitting at home watching tv.
I'd say this is the vast majority of those who struggle. Put them under extreme pressure at home, or work and they will fly, just like anyone else. Depression in other words is not laziness, weakness of spirit or some character floor. Its an illness that has a trigger and when that trigger is pulled, the cycle begins.
The trigger can be something serious.
The trigger can be something simple.
I took a month break after the World Cup to relax, unwind and look ahead. But i always knew that when autumn came, the grey days came, the shorter days came, the rain, wind, cold, less smiles, fun and frivolity of spring and summer had gone, that eventually, somewhere, someday, my seasonal depression would strike.
And it has!
I only realised it was World Suicide Prevention day today during the hazy waking up process when i checked twitter for the latest news. Rather apt considering i have been suicidal for a week or so now.
This isn't drama, or crying or wailing or losing it or any other over the top phrase or word you want to use to describe someone admitting to being suicidal. It's an emptiness of the brain, a soupy, hazy feeling of numbness , of self doubt, of chronic anxiety and fear forcing the brain to one simple conclusion.
If this is the rest of my life, reach for the off switch.
The power of the mind and brain is incredible. 2 weeks ago i was happiness personified, a month ago after a long year producing and presenting a TV show i was bristling with confidence and ideas and spirit and life.
But at 1.10am this morning i wanted it all to end because a feeling i've felt maybe 10 times in my life returned to ask me the most fundamental and personal question a human being can be asked.
Do you want to live, Stan?
And my answer was regrettably no.
Do i feel ashamed at that admission? No, i've admitted it before. A practical solution to a practical problem is suicide, which is why so many people across the board do it, and many who hear that question for the first time get super frightened and instead of reaching out, instead of reaching for the phone to engage a friend or family member , they react immediately and take their own life.
Imagine that. Genuinely happy a week or a day ago, dead the next. The power of the malfunctioning brain and mind.
I slept 2 crap hours last night, and i have to thank Tom Hopkinson and the Mirror for kick starting my comeback today ( comeback meaning getting out of bed!)
Tom called me at lunchtime to do my column and after talking to him, him asking how i was, and chatting about England, football and the weeks ahead i felt a tiny spark of life in my head amongst the fear and self doubt and feeling hopelessly vulnerable in bed.
So i dragged ( you think i'm joking) myself into the bathroom, really not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, but i demanded of myself that i showered. In the shower i demanded i put clothes on. When clothed i demanded that i go downstairs ( something i hadn't done in two days already ), and when downstairs i saw my gym bag from 3 days ago waiting for its owner to take it to the gym.
2 weeks ago my gym work was sensational. I was flying. Did the same session i've done for months and i felt like a 95 year old man who hadn't walked in years. But you know what? I did it, and by doing it i fought back against the anxiety, the fear, the self doubt and as i write this, suicide and suicidal self talk seems that little bit further away. Perhaps enough to have 3 or 4 hours sleep tonight.
And that is how you fight depression. Sometimes you let it wash over you and you do nothing, you just wait, wait and wait again until that spark that Tom Hopkinson inadvertently helped me find today kicks in after rest. Or you achieve a bath or shower or putting clothes on. Or you call a friend ( i started a whatsapp group with my dearest friends and simply said " i'm struggling, would love to see you soon". Or going to the gym, or painting or walking the dog or reading..
Or anything that tells the depressed brain "i'm not going anywhere"
I'm a veteran at dealing with this now and thankfully for me the suicide voice hasn't caught me at such a low as to walk me to a tree, throw that rope over and away i go, it may still yet as it may still yet for those struggling today. But remember this, you've got this far and probably fought several if not dozens of bouts, so it is your responsibility to you and you alone to preserve your life to fight another dark day in the hope and almost guarantee that brighter days ahead will come.
There is the ultimate cruelty of depression. At the time a man , woman or child takes their life, their brain may well be hours from a better experience which allows quality of life to return and balance, perspective and joy also to return.
Today i was suicidal but i used the tools below to at least ry to fight back.
Today it worked, and i hope tomorrow will bring a little more joy to me, mine, to you and yours if you are struggling.
You are not alone.
1. Let it wash over you in the first few days.
2. Tell people. Work, friends, family.
3. Ignore "self chatter". A negative brain, an ill brain isn't telling you you look wonderful today!
4. Call the doctor.
5. Do bite sized things that get you on your feet. Bath, shower, walk, gym, anything to move a little.
6. Patience. Depression wants you to make rash decisions. Patience is like kryptonite to depression. Give yourself permission to put your hands up and say "until this bout is over, i'm allowing myself to relax". You come this way once, so that email, job can wait.
Stan Collymore