Im tired of fighting an upphill battle, in 2014 after fnatic my life turned to shit as it was my biggest dream to play at the top level with those exact people, we had achieved the long journey together to reach the major win and it was always very special to me.
But sadly i got removed because mainly JW needed a change even tho pronax etc didnt want to remove me. At the same time me and my girlfriend that was together for 2.5 years (My first love) decided to break up. It really took its toll on me and i tried smoking weed and stealing my moms anti-depressive pills to numb the sadness i felt for a few weeks, sadly i got caught doing this and this has really made my career as shit as it has been ever since. I had offers to trial for NiP, Mousesports and many other good teams at this time after fnatic. But sadly i couldn't accept any of them, because i was unsure if i could travel to the U.S etc.
I got the chance to play with dignitas in 2015 ( Pimp,Kjaerbye,Aizy,MSL) I think we liked eachother, we actually put up pretty good results after bringing me in to team. I helped them to finally qualify for a major. Just weeks into the team the team found out about my issues, and i was instantly removed ( I dont blame them) as Pimp had asked me about it and i said it wasnt related to drugs, but something like theft. I'm sorry i lied, it didnt benefit either me or the team, but i was so desperate to play and chase my dream again, so i felt that it was the best decision, and that i tried sorting out a visa meanwhile.
I told the dignitas owner ( ODEE ) about my real issues, not the story i pulled to the team. He said he understood and that he will try to solve this and that we shouldn't say anything to team, that we will get this sorted out. It took a few days then he told the real story to the team and i was instantly removed. After this he tried to get me to sign a contract where it says i will recieve 0 salary, 0 prizemoney and also 0 money from stickers that i was 100% sure to recieve prior to the kick. It also said he can talk to anyone he likes about my crimes commited, sharing it to whomever he wants.
At this point i was lucky because i had a lawyer-friend at Level99. So we obviously fought this because it was way beyond ridicilous. I ended up getting atleast about 30% of what i should have got, and that he was not allowed to talk about it, so we won my case, but it didnt really feel like a win inside.
Years later i got a chance again to play alongside Pronax even tho he knew i had these problems he still felt it worth to try and solve and play around it, i actually had the time of my life in GODSENT, we were 5 great guys putting pretty good results on the board, i personally had my best year in CS since maybe early 2014, i had 1.16 rating or something and had really found my place on the team and i was super confident in my abilites, but still unable to travel to the U.S legally.
In late 2016 JW came knocking on the door, saying that fnatic will disband and they wanted to play with me and pronax ( Me, flusha, JW, Krimz, Pronax).
It was my biggest mistake to this point, but i cant blame myself because it was my biggest dream to play alongside JW,flusha,pronax again. But it all turned to shit pretty quickly. And at this point i was so worried about my U.S Visa that i had to go to the doctor because i could barely fall asleep at night, just laying in bed for hours every night thinking about my uncertain future, having so much more to give. The doctors just laughed because i was 23 years old and i had the same blood pressure as a woman in their 50's hitting their climacteric.
They immediately gave me some pretty strong sleeping pills. And this was really something that could put me to sleep i kid you not, and i was happy about being able to sleep again. So at the first 2-3 events with the new fnatic/godsent lineup i used these pills during the events and i was terrible. At first i tought it was because i was a bit nervous, but after 2 events i realized its because of the sleeping pills being so strong, so i instantly tried playing without them, and it turned around instantly, i think i was probably the MVP of the whole Minor alongside flusha, and it felt great to be able to show my previous level i've had in 2016.
But at this point our team was already so dissappointed in our results, and JW,flusha wanted to go back to krimz, olof & dennis at this point. So even though we barely practiced we still qualified to the major going 3-0 in the qualifier. But there was no hope anyway, the decision was already made before the major that they will go back. And this is when i felt that the chance i've waited for almost 3 years, just turned to the most dissappointing time of my life, and i lost the fight in me for the upcoming year, no matter how hard i tried finding my motivation i was just to sad about what had happened, my opportunity to get back to the absolute top.
At this point i also achieved my 10 year visa to the U.S and other countries, meaning i have no trouble anymore travelling anywhere in the world. But it didnt help, even though what had been haunting me for 3 years was finally over. I was still sitting there with so much emptiness and so many demons inside my head.
At several events and trough the years i've heard so many frustrating things about me, Richard Lewis saying in his show that i will never play in a top-team again.
Players coming up to me saying i look high as fuck, even tho 15 minutes prior to that i had hit the gym trying to lose weight ( Was battling my disease here already without knowing )
I've heard for 4 years straight that people believe i am some kind of coke-dealer, a guy sitting at home doing coke daily. Well guess what im not, i have barely touched drugs in my life, i could probably count it on my fingers. Anyone that has followed me know i love working out and i've done so for many years. Meanwhile there are other players smoking weed daily doing coke etc, that has never had any issues finding teams because of this, do i feel unjustified? Hell yeah.
I do understand it a bit though, i was unlucky to get my familys genes where we all have dark circles under our eyes, so ive heard it a thousand times that i look high or tired trough my life, drugs hasn't been something common in my life, i've tried it for sure, but so has many.
After my dissappointing year in 2017, battling motivational issues and my disease affecting my thyroid gland, i got removed of GODSENT in november, thats more than 7 months ago.
I've been close joining teams to get my way to the top, but it all ends the same, people believe i do coke daily and that i am a bad teammate, and i think any ex-teammate can vouch for me, i am a guy that has always tried to put a smile on everyones face daily, but sadly this doesn't seem to be the word that has got out about me. And i can't really do anything about it, all i know is that i've always been a great teammate trough the years.
I've been great at AWPing and other things, but i gave it up to give someone else the chance they badly wanted to find what they are most comfortable in, whilst losing myself more and more. These are things i regret today, i wish i would have been a guy that would have just prioritized myself instead, im 100% sure i would have gotten further than where i am today.
Anyway whats up in my life? Nothing much i've been unemployed for more than 7 months except a few small works here and there. A famous e-sports brand owe me 229 000 SEK since years back, saying i will recieve them at some point, but honestly i've kinda lost hope on it. I currently have to sell my car soon just to afford rent, because i dont want to give up on my dream to become a great player as i've been every year except 2017.
Im tired of seeing my girlfriend sit at the side of the bed crying of me being suicidial or having stopped me from committing suicide, because i feel that i'm always pulling the short straw, no matter how hard i try, no matter how nice i am.
With this said i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, i've honestly been given a great hand in life, but i didn't play them correctly. There are millions of people with way worse lifes than mine, being unable to do anything about it.
The next time you'll see me post will be me with a great body, on a beautiful beach, having faced my demons in any possible way i can.
Take care of eachother.