lar · @Alphalari
5th Apr 2018 from TwitLonger
Dear Dad
All I wanted was for you to want me, for you to be proud, to support me, but ever since Mom died I have never felt less wanted. You live less then 10 min away and you still want nothing to do with me unless you need something. I have some wonderful memories from you I'll admit, here are some examples.
Last week you invited me for dinner, I thought to myself *he probably just wants something, I should say no* but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and agreed. It was a blast, we cooked food, laughed, sang along to ridiculous songs, I was having so much fun. Then you started talking about my choice to move away and asked for me to stay longer in Winnipeg, maybe even go back to school for a little while. I told you I was done with school and that I wasn't interested. You then asked me to at least enroll and attend for a while then drop out so you could get the money that was put into us going to school. You had to ruin that night and make it about money.
Or another great moment was when I got partnered with Twitch. You knew it was something I had been putting all my effort and time into for the past 3 years so you invited me out for lunch. We grabbed some A&W and then you asked me to tell you about what Twitch partner really was. This made me super excited, I thought you were finally curious about my passion and wanted to know more! I started explaining the perks, showed you the emotes I was going to put up and was in the middle of this when you said *but how much money do you make? If you're going to talk about this I'm going to talk about the money in it.* Again, only caring about the money.
I loved when you compared me to your new wife's daughters and chose them over me. You yelled at me because I didn't have 3 jobs like them and didn't know what I wanted in life yet. Oh yeah and when you'd invite them to places and buy them nice things then show me what you got them and rub it in my face that they were better than me. You have the perfect family now, the perfect wife, the perfect daughters, the perfect house. You've pretty much disowned your son and daughter, you don't even have to take care of Moms cats anymore since you forced them on me.
Did you even ever care about me? If you did you really showed that when you used to lock me up in the 3rd floor of your new wife's house with no food while you guys went to the cabin for a week. I lost so much weight people from my community could see it on stream and started to get worried.
Or did you care when I worked really hard on some covers for YouTube and I was super excited to show you and all you did was say how you thought it would be better and shit on my parade yet again.
You tricked me when you kicked me out, it happened so fast, I had nothing and you knew that. but I was out in less then a week because your new wife and I didn't get along.
Or when I announced that I was moving away and would need help with getting the cats prepared. I asked you for a ride to the vet, told you I would pay for everything myself all I needed was the ride. We set up a date to go, then you called me the morning of and cancelled on me. we rescheduled and you failed to show up on that date as well.
These are only a few fun times you and I have had together, but Moms been gone for 6 years now, probably the worst years of my life. From the bullying/assaults at school, to my brother tricking me into thinking it was okay for him to touch me in places he shouldn't have, to you literally leaving me all by myself with nobody, nothing and pretty much destroying any piece of soul I had left.
But I keep going back.. hoping that this time it will be different. Hoping that you aren't just wanting something from me but I'm always wrong. That's the frustrating part.. I keep giving you chances.. can't seem to pull away. I'll give you credit, you've gotten smart with it. Giving me the perfect evenings and making me think its finally better and only bringing up that stuff when I'm leaving. I fall for it every time.
I hope this was all for something, I hope you helped yourself out somehow by breaking me over and over and over again. At least something good would have come out of it right? I'm going to cut you out of my life completely when I'm strong enough, I've let you hurt me for too long. You always say that you just don't know how to show emotion properly or that you find it hard to show people you care about them and I understand that but time after time you've done this and smashed my heart and soul into the dirt. I've had enough.
You've ruined my confidence and my happiness. I can't have anything good happen to me anymore without questioning if I deserve it. I'm done.
I hope you have a wonderful life with your new wife and your new family. I hope Mom understands and isn't disappointed in me.