tango down

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I have decided to stop competing in leagues for CS.

writing this on my phone on a roadtrip - hopefully thatll address the inevitable slew of fuckups and forgetfulness. It will be long, no TLDR but just know: not competing anymore, not leaving CS by any means

“Missing a window doesn’t make you a failure. 1000 roads to Rome.” - Richard Lewis

Richard is somebody I’ve known of since I was 12 years old. I’ve read his words and watched his interviews for years, so to have him personally talk to me about my shortcomings and how to move forward, as brief as the conversation was, meant the world to me. So, thank you richard, for stopping me from initiating a descent down a very dark path. Whether or not you knew it, that conversation in Boston saved my life.

When I came into CS:GO, I had zero aspirations other than to just play. That’s it. After missing the last CS:S ESEA LAN (Season12?) and being away from the game for a few years, I would think about counter-strike every single day. My fifteen-eighteen year old brain craved it so bad I’d have dreams about ESEA pugging, I’d replay rounds from my invite season over in my head during AP tests...point is - I didnt know it and I definitely wouldnt have admitted it at the time - but I love this game, this franchise, for what it is in it’s purest sense.

Counter-Strike taught me more about life than any textbook. My teammates throughout the years taught me more about sacrifice and the importance of a fully-fluid unit than any sports team. I learned to lead - starting from the guys with the highest skill in ESEA in pugs when I was a squeaker, all the way up to discussions that would last hours with some of the best minds the franchise has seen. I learned how to take over a game, first with raw skill that was amplified in a puggy environment, all the way up to the big stages like E-League against tier 1 competition. I learned how to manage emotions, how and when to shut up, how to read people through a computer screen, how to be shady, how to be honest, man I learned more about myself from this beautiful game and the beautiful people that comprise this community.

My first round of my first scrim in CS:GO, I aced on pistol with six bullets. it was against a premier team at the time. Ill never forget that round not because it was some crazy clip or something, but because the person who gave me my shot, with zero hours in CS, told me I could utilize a talent on a much larger scale. Shinobi, Josh, I truly appreciate you for giving me a shot in CS again. You opened the door for my own personal growth and I didnt even know it at the time so thank you.

That same squad from the scrim ended up morphing into what you guys knew as Denial. I had ascertained 2k hours in an astronomically short time, while also going to Uni and working a labor job on night shift. At this point, we were proving ourselves in cevo and what was then premier, and I took a leap of faith. I threw away a full ride to a decent school and quit my job and took on CSGO fulltime. I dont like to speak on my home life too much anymore but back then my dad was really bad and my grandma was really upset with my decisions. As a result I was juggling making practice every night with finding a place to stay. Sometimes that was under the AC boardwalk, sometimes that meant a train ride that would put me on zero dollars for the week to north philly, sometimes that meant I could sneak my rig to my friend’s house and grind the invite-only money ten mans all night. It wasn’t easy, but I always made sure I was on early for practice and warmed up, at a time where Robby from Denial was promising us a salary every month, just to be let down again and again. We won premier against Stewie and Ptr and other good players that were obviously top of our region and I was really hopeful that since we finally made pro league, I could start up my own life with a new org.

Obviously, ESEA had other plans with the season20 wildcard fiasco. after we lost the relegation match that we shouldnt have even had to play, against a team that was far better than their record indicated, man after we lost map3 after going into CT overpass 11-4...I think a part of me that was so invested in THIS unit and THIS run and truly just loved the game...that part of me died. I lost 27 pounds in 3.5 months cause I’d barely eat, threw away everything, was promised money just to never see it, all of my teammates immediately get scouted by pro teams and because no one needed an awper at the time I was fucked...after that, I was really depressed.

I broke up with my girlfriend of four years shortly after which just added to it, so I really was at a loss.

I started streaming which was the best thing that had happened to me in CS. I had a bigger chip on my shoulder than ever, and it showed. I picked up rifling in FPL as well as AWPing, I’d play spots I never did, etc all for the wrong reasons.

I wanted, no i NEEDED someone to pick me up so I made myself as valuable as possible, and still had a spark of that old flame, just barely. Maybe thats why the brazilians like me ahahah. Let me tell you why those guys are so good.
Because when you NEED to win, when you NEED to dominate, not need like most spoiled kids need something, but when your LIFE depends on it...shit all of a sudden that awp gets REAL quick.

I started to really build some stock as a player and got picked up by complexity. Roles were completely fucked, and even though I know I was mechanically in my peak in every sense at that time, I was too young of a player to consistently give output in such hectic role situations.

I lost my identity. I used to be Mr. 5v4, [JW]itmer, fastest awp NA. Trying out so many different things completely erased the player I had built myself up to be, and tampering with the wrong drugs due to trying to supress depression from moving, losing, losing my girlfriend, wondering the “what if” of the me-sick-shinobi-vice core...I imploded internally.

I didnt do everything in my power to get my passport for Northern Arena, probably subconsciously intentionally, and I knew coL would remove me for that.

I tried to pick myself back up again via streaming but I started building a lot of bad habits out of game.

Let’s just say, whether it was external substances like xans and alcohol which I was constantly exposed to and weak enough to gravitate towards, or internal depression, I was a shell of my former self.

I tried really hard to still have a place in this game. I met Brax who saw I saw the game the same way as him, as well as most other things in the world, and started trying to become a slower player. I worked on my pacing, closing rounds, throwing the correct nades and trying to incorporate a more seasoned,
Measured playstyle with mine. I had varying degrees of success but in short, I still and have felt like my identity as a player wasnt there anymore. I didnt feel the need to save for an awp, i didnt want to take the same risks, man I dont know. I’d have flashes of myself here and there (GX v gale force mdl playoffs, frag11 v Rise, coL v c9 ECS) but I know I’ve been a shell of myself for a few years.

Point is, Ive been cut from every team since coL for simply giving teams a reason to. I wouldnt show up for practice, I would show up to practices in simply grotesque states of mind, and the only thing I’d offer teams is positivity. Theyd also get effort, but itd only be ingame and, news flash, if your not ingame, would good is it??

Introspectively speaking, the root cause has to be that I simply dont WANT it anymore. If I did, I’d make it out from under the boardwalk to practice again. I’d only want to be there when I knew my teammates NEEDED to practice and thats just lazy and not fair. So, I’m not gonna delude myself or others with the illusion that I want it. because as much as id tell myself, my family and friends, my girlfriends, my teammates and idols and fans (im so sorry) that I did want it, my actions said otherwise. I used to have dreams about killing kennyS in a major final. I havent had dreams like that in 2 years. Not even close.

I dont want to leave this scene. I dont want to say goodbyes to people. I just...I need to find a niche for me in this. I love CS. This game changed my life, it put me on an airplane for the first time, it put me in a new house, it put me on TV, it put me in rooms with people I had no business being with, and the best part is they treated me with love.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m honestly waiting for a desk and I’ll still be playing rank S and streaming it, as well as a myriad of other games. I want to be in esports, I know I have the brain for the game to maybe cast/analyze, MANY MANY people have told me to coach so I’m taking what I learned from jamezirl and prepping myself for that logistically if I am lucky enough for that to be an opportunity. Hosting, fucking DJing afterparties, I dont care I will make sure I go to the grave with this game...but not as a player.

this was really hard to write, to me its really short but I know yall want me to stfu at this point hahaha. I still feel like a failure in some ways, like I let myself and fans down, but as I learn to grow from this wonderful experience, I’m sure that feeing will once again be utilized to hopefully stick around you wonderful, annoying fucking amazing gamers.

DM for opportunities but I need to create a few for myself first. See you soon.

-shawn

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