TrelaTTN

UG | Trela · @TrelaTTN

28th Oct 2017 from TwitLonger

Thoughts Before a Tournament


Today is Clutch City Clash 2. I thought with a little bit more time to spare before I head out to the venue, and because I’m awake so early this morning, I’d talk about a few things that have been on my mind lately.

These past few months have had its good times and its hard times for me. I feel like almost every other day has some sort of issue that needs to be addressed with someone else or something else, or some sort of drama between others that truly shouldn’t have ever been a thing in the first place. While I haven’t really been a recipient of these types of problems, it honestly starts to ware on you mentally over time, especially when it’s so often in your life all around you from everywhere you look at. You feel like you’re in the middle of it all. But why can’t I help but feel like I’m part of the problem? Is it because I still haven’t planned out my future and what I want to do in life? This feeling of being useless? Is it because I don’t speak up enough about important stuff that affects others I know? What more can I do? I wish to help but don’t know how to yet.

I’m not depressed, am I? No, I can’t be depressed. I believe that with a life like mine, a life that has given me everything I could’ve ever wanted, I am not allowed to be depressed. Why would I be? How could I? But I have this feeling deep inside of me of wanting more. I always want more. It’s not enough, even when I thought it was. I continuously fight it off. I simply just want to be better, right? Why must I want more? Why must I have more?

I felt something similar to this before I tried to quit Smash for good and when I left Panda Global. I was incredibly grateful for all of the opportunities I was given in Smash, and for all of the tournaments I’ve won in the past, but that feeling still lingered deep down. The thought still in the back of my head. It’s not enough. I need more. It didn’t feel right. It felt dark. The path to becoming the best player in the world isn’t all just fame and fortune along the way. The more I played and the more I got involved with the scene, the more I felt like I began to lose my humanity. I wasn’t a person anymore. I missed that feeling, and I had to stop playing. Yet here I am again.

I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m done thinking about what could have been and what could be possible. I’m going to follow what my heart says. Today, I going to do what I’ve done best over the past few years. And that is play video games. This doesn’t have to be any more complicated than it has to be. It’s time to suck it up. Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop making excuses. I’m going play the way I want to play. And I’m going to do what I want to do. I won’t let feelings get in the way like this again. I don’t need others to tell me who I really am. I know who I really am.

Trela.

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