Ok so I said I'd tell people what was going on when I was ready. I'm waiting for my PET scan in the hospital for an hour or so so this is as good a time as any. Basically we were told something was good news and then our oncologist disagreed. He wants me to go back on chemo within a few weeks. Because the people who did my surgery and my oncologist disagree with the interpretation of my last scan, I'm having.another to break the deadlock. I assume the worst however, which is that 2 small lesions that weren't there before have appeared in the liver. Plus side, these are far smaller than anything I've dealt with up to now. Down side, such a quick appearance of new lesions means the surgeries curative goal was unsuccessful. To be fair there was a 70% chance of reoccurrence, so that's not exactly a surprise. I'm having difficulty processing the concept of facing down chemo yet again. I felt like I was just getting back on my feet and starting to feel relatively normal again. I was getting back up to speed with my job and trying to make up for time and ground lost in a highly competitive space. As you can imagine, going back on chemo in my mind is putting me right back at square 1, resetting the clock and putting another long and painful recovery road ahead. The hope is with just 2 small lesions, if we use the right cocktail they can be quickly eliminated, but I've heard that before. 4 rounds turned into 6, into 8, into indefinite. Without a clear light at the end of the tunnel it becomes harder to keep moving forward. Regardless, move we must. There is no quit to be found in me. I can get beat up for 12 rounds as long as I'm still standing by the end of it. Maybe I win on points. Reason I'm telling you this is to explain some reschedules, cancellations and slower content production. Cooptional is cancelled this week. My parents are coming over to visit from England. I'd like to spend as much time with them as I can. My planned trip to England in June may not happen if I'm still in treatment by the so you can understand I'd like to spend time with them now. Shoutcraft was gonna happen Saturday, but I cancelled that this month for the same reason. Potential trips, casting gigs, events etc are for the most part on hold though we have scheduled the treatment around Momocon so we will still be attending for the Cooptional podcast and Lounge live shows at the event. This all comes at the most inopportune time. I did have genuine back issues last week that put me out of action. They are now resolved, but now I've got this to deal with. I care a lot about my work, it motivates me to keep going. It's second only to my family when it comes to the things I value and how I define my self worth. I hate not being able to do it, I'll hurt myself trying to do it when I should be resting. It drives me forward and gives me purpose and that makes fighting easier. But that's what cancer does, it tries to take away everything that makes you who you are. It tries to strip away your dignity as it attacks your health. Everything you take joy in, it tries to poison. I won't let it happen, but it's a hard road ahead and I expect all those 'wow tb is looking better' posts to change to 'tb is looking really sick' soon enough. You'd think the former would be encouraging but really they're just a reminder of how fragile that state is and how easily it gets snatched away from you again because of how implacable an enemy this disease is. It's stubborn and it won't go away without a hell of a fight. Well, sucks to be him, he picked the wrong guy to play chicken with.