Boogie2988

Boogie2988 · @Boogie2988

26th Mar 2017 from TwitLonger

To the people hurt or disappointed in me...


Please note: I have certainly made several mispellings and perhaps even completely mispoken sentences as I am typing this in a mostly dissociative state brought on by my anxiety. Its been a tough few weeks. Please be kind.

This is a really difficult thing to write and I don't think very many of the people I want to read it will, but I still want to get this stuff off of my chest.

For those of you who do not know I made a video talking about the more critical and vocal people on the internet. Primarily I focused this time on the folks who have spoken ill of people like PewDiePie and Colin Moriarty. I also incorrectly lumped in jontron to the same video. Few people will believe this, but at the time of filming I was not fully aware of EXACTLY what jon said and EXACTLY how damaging they could be. But that doesn't matter, I should have done my due diligence.

My point of that video was to explain that I have always believed in tolerance, rather than intolerance. I had always believed in peace, rather than war. I had always believed that attacking a person because they do or believe something you do not believe or like is not an acceptable way to be. I felt that even if jon was saying some off the wall shit we could better approach him with tolerance and kindness and hopefully change his mind. For those of you who do not believe this please watch that video for yourself (many people have not, but have instead chosen to believe someone else's interpretation.).

The reason I have felt this way was that I was raised in the 1970's and 1980's in a very backwards of the country. I was surrounded by people who hated people of color, people who hated people of alternative lifestyles and sexualities. To try to combat this liberals like myself and others taught the lesson of tolerance. Tolerate those who have different religions, different seuxalities, different walks of life. Those who are affected by those bigots were also taught to tolerate and ignore the bullies and bigots and to live their life carefree of their ignorance.

When I created that video I still believed this to be the best method. I believed destroying careers and attacking people who make shitty jokes, or even truly shitty folks, is counter productive. It is best to live a healthy and happy life and dismiss such things from your mind.

Over the past few days, certainly many people have shown me why that is. Sure, progressive thinking people have shown me that but more importantly so have people DIRECTLY affected by this type of thinking. They have shown me they no longer wish to tolerate bigotry and that I should no longer do the same. By normalizing and allowing it to exist, much less signal boosting it as I did, can be very harmful. Times have changed and I should change with it, seems to be the message that has been delivered loud and clear.

Probably the most hard hitting thing that people have pointed out is that; kids listen to us. Not only do they listen to us when we play games and do silly sketches but they listen to us when we say this kind of thing. Many times those kids simply cannot make sense of it and are not capable of the kind of critical and deep thought that can go into topics like this and it can result in doing damage and even unintentionally enforcing terrible and negative biases that were never your point to begin with. That really, really sucks.

I don't know why it didn't really click until recently but I suppose me and my therapist will agree that a lot of it has to do with my mental disorders. I was raised in an abusive home so peace is something I truly value. Confrontation is something that I simply cannot manage to do even in the worst circumstances. I am clinically diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, as a product of my mental, physical, and sexual abuse growing up.

I truly believe, and hope that you'll understand, that I have allowed my own personal feelings about these things to cloud my judgement and blind me from the things many friends and colleague's have tried to communicate to me. But tonight after a few conversations with people who approached me kindly, rationally, and as a friend I am beginning to understand this.

I will always be a liberal, while I will always value people of all walks of life regardless of color, ability, sexual orientation, creed, or gender identification. I will also do my best to fight for the issues it is correct for me to try to champion for these people (Though I think these are rare and few considering the color of my skin and my cis male nature, but I digress).

Unfortunately for some I also have a great difficulty in separating this way of thinking when it comes to politics as well. Even when I feel someone is flat out wrong, I tend to think like Thomas Jefferson. "I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend." This has been part of my moral compass for so long I find it greatly difficult to alter it and furthermore my mental issues make it even more difficult.

Even when I greatly disagree with someone I am never likely to agree that cutting them down or attacking them is the way that I will handle it. I do not truly fault people for feeling they must do this, but I am not mentally capable of joining them nor do I feel that its something I should do.

But when it comes to civil discourse. When it comes to discussion of these figureheads and agreeing or disagreeing with them I'm all for it and plan to join in frequently, regardless of the damage it does to both my timeline and my mental health. I'll always be glad to condemn an idea even if I'm not able to condemn the person saying it.

I, unfortunately, will never be the kind of person who dogpiles on a person. Even if I feel they are damaging our hobby or industry. Even if they are possibly damaging people. Hell, I rarely am even able to stand up for myself. I certainly do not have the strength to do it for others; But that is the way that I am broken and I see that. I hope you can too.

That's where I find myself at this moment in time. I know its not enough to please some people who want more of me and its just enough to upset the people who have championed me for 'standing up for what i believe in' but regardless I needed to say this in the hopes that I can get some sleep for the first time in about a week.

But the very least I can do is what I've been doing for the last 2 years. Shutting the fuck up. Playing with my toys and making silly videos that people can enjoy. Staying away from an arena where I genuinely feel I am neither welcomed nor qualified to be in. So I suppose that's for the best.

I believe most of what can be said of me has been. I've heard things from as innocuous as "boogie doesn't seem to really get it" to "isn't boogie dead yet? I wish he'd die soon so he'd do less damage." I have been called a "piece of shit" by people more in the last 24 hours than I have been called a fat ass. Since that often crops up in my social media about 30 times a day you can imagine, its been trying. So please understand, I get the point. I would greatly appreciate it if you could back out of my time line and subreddits for a while and see if I can regain something that resembles mental stability in the upcoming weeks. I have a life altering surgery to prepare for.

Thanks for your time and patience,

-boogie

Reply · Report Post