┈ An Unsent Letter to Emma Swan

---

Dear Emma,

I did not hug you when we saved Henry,
because I was too overwhelmed already and I was afraid of overstepping a line.

I did not hug you when you and Henry left and I gave you good memories,
because I knew, if I hugged you, I would be unable to let you go.

I did not hug you after we stopped the trigger from destroying Storybrooke,
because in that moment I realized: You and me not only made magic together, we are magic together.

I did not hug you when you found out what truly happened to Daniel,
because it was the only thing I wanted to do at this moment but I was scared that your arms around me would feel like coming home.

I did not hug you after you sacrificed yourself for my happiness,
because a part of me already knew that you are— were my happiness.

I did not hug you after convincing you not to shoot Lily and darken your soul,
because I was afraid you’d feel my betraying hammering heart against yours.

I did not hug you when Robin Hood died,
because I still wanted to believe that he was my one, my fate.

I did not hug you when you promised me you won’t stop until I get the happy ending I deserve,
because in that moment, I saw Henry and me… and you.

I did not hug you after I sacrificed myself to the Chernabog to save you,
because I knew my embrace would have betrayed my hidden feelings.

I did not hug you when you told me you believe in me,
because I had just opened up and poured my heart out, but the most important part was left unsaid.

I did not hug you when you finally got your memory back,
because in that dream world I followed you to, I was still only ‘The Evil Queen’ to you.

You looked at me in a way you never had before – with fear and disgust in your eyes. Deep down, I know that you never feared or disgusted me like that and deep down I know that now, after everything, you believe in me and you trust me just like I trust you. But that look in “Princess Emma’s” eyes gave me pause. Maybe, some things can change while others, the fundamental things, can’t. So, maybe, I have read the signs wrong – maybe they weren’t even signs; maybe, I just wanted them to be signs. I believe it’s called ‘wishful thinking’.

And, oh lord, I was so confused and terrified – for years, because you were indeed NOT my promised man with a lion tattoo. No, you were something far, far better and I am a fool for standing in my own way and realizing it just a little too late.

Story of my life.

And maybe that’s exactly what it is: The Story of my Life.
Maybe that’s what life has been trying to teach me all along, that I don’t deserve a happy ending because I did too many horrible things; that I don’t deserve you.

From the very first moment on, you were strong. You held your chin up high with two leather boots full of optimism, shrouded in a dreadful red leather jacket. You barged into my life with such force and unforeseen consequences that it baffled me and I spent the last years trying to ignore and belittle the things you did to and for me.

Emma, you changed me – for the better. You are the one person that never ran from but towards me, especially during hard times. You stood up for me although you had every reason not to, because you and Henry were the only ones believing in me. Your bravery, your strength, your unwavering optimism, your shining faith, your hope and your wonderful, hidden softness – it all changed me and it is the reason why I am still trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. I have never, in my entire life, met anyone like you, “Miss Swan”.

It was you who changed me, Emma.

And I will be eternally grateful for that.

It also no longer matters what I think about him – (yes, I still think you are too good for him), but the ring on your finger is a sign that you believe otherwise. You believe in him, just like you believed in me. You believe that this man is able to make you happy for forever – and forever is a very long time. You believe in him and I? I believe, too, because I HAVE to. And one day, I am sure, I will.

I don’t know if I ever will be able to say these words out loud to you. Maybe one day, now that things have changed… But I know one thing for sure: This letter will remain unsent because it is no longer my place to say such things— and maybe it never was. It doesn’t matter now.

This letter is for me; just for me. After you told us about the engagement tonight, I tried to shake my feelings and my thoughts, but they’re strong tonight… and so, with a glass of apple cider next to it, I decided to commit my thoughts to paper, hoping they’ll fade soon after. Yes, it’s somewhat egoistic, isn’t it? But then again, I’ve always been good at that.

Today, however, I don’t think I was being egoistic because tonight, for the first time in my life, I did not go after what I want just because I want it. Today, I took a step back – figuratively, while literally taking a step forward to hug you.

Yes, today I hugged you,
because you made your decision.

Today I hugged you,
because, for the first time, my own happiness didn’t matter.

Today I hugged,
Because suddenly, there no longer was room for ‘What if-s’.

Today I hugged you,
because you are no longer MY ‘What if’.

Today I hugged you,
because I realized just how much I love you—

—and with the safe distance of a lifelong decision now between us, the lines are clearer than they have ever been. And maybe that’s exactly what I needed.

One day, I will be able to smile for you and— him and mean it.
One day, I will be able to hug you without hurting.
One day, I will be able to look at you without secret wishes.


One day, I will be able to look at you without believing that you are the love of my life.

Maybe one day—
But not today.

Because today,
I still love you.

Regina

Reply · Report Post