Kim Justice · @KimxxxJustice
5th Mar 2017 from TwitLonger
A much needed vent.
I can't think of a good place to put this - a Youtube video probably wouldn't work out well - but I need to shout it somewhere.
...I'm pissed off. For all the positives that came from going full-time Youtube last August (which I will talk about at some point soon) there is a list of things that are pissing me to hell and back, and if I don't actually put them down they will get worse. So, here goes.
-First off, the grim realities associated with being trans and running a Youtube channel. I feel as though I am being held back basically through no fault of my own. I didn't CHOOSE to be transgender. I AM transgender. That is who I am, that is how I was born. If I didn't take the steps to transition and be who I am, I would not be living a full and happy life - which is the least that anyone should hope for. I probably wouldn't be on Youtube anymore, for a start. There is nothing more than that really - it is simply who I am. And yet it still holds me back. If I make the choice to actually appear in a video, then undoubtedly I receive various hate comments, even if - as is the case 95% of the time - trans issues are not a part of the video. You can say "well, they're just trolls" and you would be right - but when it happens all the time? It gets wearying on you. Not only that, but I lose subscribers too! Does that amaze you? That there are people - in the GAMING community, no less - who clearly care so much about a person's appearance that if it isn't what they expect, they'll unsubscribe to the channel? Maybe it shouldn't amaze you - in my experience, the gaming community cares so much more about the way someone appears than, say, the make-up community does. Or the football community. Like, if you aren't some stereotypical whitebread fucking goon, you may as well just fuck off. The community is that entitled - one step out of turn, and they'll happily remind you that you're dancing for their money.
These are the reasons why my interaction with my own community is lower than I'd like it to be. Why I respond to messages less, why I don't livestream as much as I'd like to. I LOVE streaming, but whenever I do it I literally punch my channel in the gut! Which is crazy, really. And in the end, a lot of what I do feels like a compromise because, if I decide that hey - there's this cool bit I thought of doing but decided not to because it would mean filming which equals shitty comments? Or this slightly political joke doesn't quite align with the general Youtube values of today (and hoo-boy, we'll get there), meaning it'll trigger off the biggest sensitive little pricks around, so it's dropped? Then the video that ends up coming out wasn't all that it could have been. I make videos for a living - it's what I do, what I've always wanted to do. I hate any feeling that they would be compromised, and yet sometimes...you just struggle to deal. Part of this is to curb that.
I am pissed off with the state of YouTube as a whole, and it's community. This rant will hardly do much about that, but I'm gonna say it anyway: YouTube is becoming a vast, isolationist, vaguely right-wing shithole that is completely and totally out of touch with reality. It's users - including a lot of the big ones - don't have a fucking clue about anything outside of the website. Just LOOK at the utterly sickening circle-jerking mess that was the whole PewDiePie thing. People who even had an opinion that was even slightly outside of what was agreed: That ol' shitNazijoke merchant Pewds was the victim of a horrible and nasty old media stitch-up (including TWO JOURNALISTS! KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR! FUCK ME HE MAY AS WELL BE MILLY DOWLER) and had done nothing wrong - were hounded to shit and had their opinions beaten into submission. Look at Jacksepticeye. This place is...well, just hilarious sometimes. You have to laugh, so long as you actually have a sensible bone in your body. YouTube is...just devoid of reality. The thought that you might actually have to grow as a person at some point. The thought that you might actually take accountability if something goes wrong. The thought that you can do what you want, say what you want and victimise who you want under a big ol' banner of "FREE SPEECH". And now a bunch of these waterheads want to try and stage some sort of battle between old media and new media! Cool...of course, it would be better if more steps were taken to see what old media and new media could learn from each other, but naaaah. It's hilarious, really.
Bluntly put, people will probably still be watching Lawrence of Arabia in 50 years. I doubt anyone will be watching "1000 HOT DEGREE KNIFE VS A COKE BOTTLE" in 50 years. But hey, obviously this YouTube shit's going to last forever! Hahaha...well, ok.
And again...going back to the community's general slant. It stinks. Not necessarily because of its somewhat right-wing hue, but because of the incessant putting down of ANYONE who happens to disagree with that. YouTube works on the idiotic principle that whoever has the most subscribers is obviously the most correct. Actual logical thought is non-existent, and carries no power against braying mobs. Funnily, these are the people who talk about everyone else being "triggered milennial special snowflakes" and yet the second you make a crack about the guy who's tweeting at 2am about how his predecessor tapped the White House from his holiday home he goes to every weekend, they start screaming at you. Of course, there are people on the other side to this who do good work. There's always a majority of commenters who'll put a smile on my face (at least on my channel). But...guuhh. This mentality is wearying, and all bleeds into the rest of this shit - my channel's probably considered to be politically wrong and volatile, even when its all about old games, because I'm trans. KEEP YOUR POLITICS OUT OF THIS!!! (unless they're the politics I agree with). So...feh, why bother compromising with any of that shit anymore?
Guh...anyway, these were things I had to get off my chest somewhat. You probably didn't enjoy reading this, and are worried that this is some long "I QUIT" letter - it isn't. I'll happily keep on. It's like any job really - whether it's this YouTube thing, or where I was previously at, or even something high-faluting - you'll always have those times where you feel like doing something, ANYTHING else. Doesn't mean you act on it...but hey, you can always vent. And now I'm gonna click that post button before I get any second thoughts about wiping the dirt off my shoulder.