Wilson Xu · @scr1beOW
23rd Jan 2017 from TwitLonger
Looking Forward
Hi Everyone,
This announcement is going to be a little awkward considering I haven't really talked to anyone about it.
But I'm currently looking to take a less active role in the community.
Today I received an email from a client at work which impacted me on a very deep level. As many of you know, I work full time as a software analyst, which encompasses supporting clients all over the world with regard to implementation and usage of the software my company creates. As you can imagine, this job is definitely more than a 9-5. Most days I don't get home until after 8pm.
Specifically, the email indicated their disappointment with regard to the dropping quality of support they have been receiving from me. And I fully know the reason.
Ever since my start in esports, Overwatch has taken a very large role in my life. In order to write, to keep up with the scene, even to the extent of socializing and trying to build my brand, I've been sacrificing valuable time. Every article I have written has been done while on the clock at my actual job. And it is heavily impacting my ability to do the job, which allows me to follow my passion.
Furthermore, due to the increasing number of active clients I now have to support, I can no longer afford to waste time in this manner. I often times don't eat when I get home because I get exhausted. I don't have the time to watch 5 hours of VoDs everyday for minimal return.
The truth is, I'm frustrated with how little I am able to achieve in the Overwatch scene with my current level of contribution. Esports will probably never be my full time career. I simply am not good enough. I could cast hundreds and hundreds of tournaments, but I doubt I will ever be invited even to cast a midsized tournament. I don't have availability on the week days. I simply cannot do this as my full time career. Even my writing has suffered, I no longer feel necessarily happy with what I put out. Because the majority of people don't know who I am, I often times see very little interaction on the videos and posts I put out. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the fans and supporters who have been watching my videos, but the return simply isn't there for me to risk literally hundreds of thousands of dollars for the company I work for, just for this pipe dream.
And it's frustrating to come to this conclusion, but doing journalism for Overwatch just isn't fun anymore in the capacity which I am doing it. At some point early this year I applied for a writing job at Blizzard, while the rejection wasn't unexpected, the manner in which it occurred hurt more. I was rejected due to a lack of writing experience. They were looking for three years of writing experience, which I simply did not have as a computer science major less than 1 year out of college. Despite having done copy for Blizzard literally weeks before, I felt as though the amount of time I would have to sink in this industry was daunting and I wasn't sure if in 3 years, my position would still be there.
And yes, people will continuously tell me that "Oh Flame is doing it." or "Look at XYZ. They are in the same situation". However, I do not have the background where people will respect my opinion in the same manner. I am not good at the game of Overwatch. I don't have the mechanics or the aim to be good. I don't have the years and years of playing video games to build off of. And it's frustrating. Anything I do can easily be done by someone who is a higher rank, or has a bigger fan following. Literally anything I put up is of a subpar quality because I don't have that weight behind what I say. I am not an industry insider. And I don't have the time to sink into this engagement until that point.
People will tell me "Give up your job to do this" and I want to say it's not that easy. I worked very hard for the past 16 years to get to this point. Throwing that away means literally losing the years of sacrifice I made to do well academically. While yes, many people have also made the same sacrifice, I don't think I could bring myself to throw it away for something which has a small chance of working out for me.
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With that being said, I love the community in Overwatch. I love the fact I can talk to players, coaches, managers, owners and have a good conversation about the scene. And I want to give back to them as much as possible. But I can't do it if I see this more as a chore and not so much a passion.
So yes, I will still be doing "Inside the Esports Studio", which I really like doing because of the emphasis on story telling. However, I will no longer be a dedicated writer when it comes to the scene. I might write the occasional article if it's something I truly feel passionate about, but I will no longer be producing content for the sake of producing it.
Does this mean I might entirely disappear from the scene? Possibly. I might find out I never want to write content again. I might regret it, but at the same time, I don't think I can half ass two things at one time and feel I deserve something for not entirely caring
I don't know when I'll feel myself again. And it might be for the better if I focus on creating truly good content, which I enjoy doing.
A lot of this is rambling and I just want to get it off my chest. And obviously there are a lot of impacting factors in my life, which I'm not ready to talk about yet.
But for the time being, I'll try my best to do what I can for the community. I still will try to cast the ESL Go4OW weeklies because I think Europe needs the exposure. I'll still write articles for communities or people who want a medium to speak through. But I think I'm going to do more of this for me rather than for the other people's perception of me.
Hope you guys can understand.
Sincerely,
Wilson