To the women of color I've hurt: I'm sorry.


Today I became aware of a discussion on Twitter about the way I engage with women of color on social media. The tweet that began this discussion called my behavior, both today and in the past, "anti-black."

First: I am deeply sorry.

Regardless of how my tweets were intended, the end result was that I did harm to people, particularly women, of color. My actions perpetuated anti-blackness.

This is something I should have recognized on my own. Many women of color are vocal about the harassment, abuse, and dismissal they receive online, often by people who think of themselves as allies. I thought I understood. I thought I knew better than to hurt other marginalized people. But I didn't truly get it, and my actions undermined those who already shoulder heavy burdens.

Today, while criticizing M*lo's latest book deal, I @'d a well-known WOC writer. (I'm not publishing her identity or those of others here, as it may invite harassment of them.) My tweet had an argumentative tone. The WOC I @'d is a person who deals daily with racist, sexist abuse, and my tweet merely served to increase the already considerable demands for her emotional labor.

I should have known better. I should have done better. I'm sorry.

That tweet was noticed by another woman of color who had previously addressed problematic language I've used. Several months ago, she'd called out my use of the word "drama" to characterize the behavior of cis white women writers who were steering a Twitter discussion about diversity in YA fiction in their own direction. My tweets were not clear about the use of "drama" to describe the behavior of privileged folks - and I made the further mistake of illustrating those tweets with GIFs of WOC. The woman who called me out explained that associating the word "drama" with GIFs of WOC, in the context of a conversation about WOC, is completely inappropriate. I should have shut up, stepped back, and listened. Instead I reacted with frustration, blocking the woman who was calling me out and tweeting in my own defense.

In doing this, I ignored the direct feedback of a woman of color regarding my treatment of women of color. She tried to show me that my own marginalizations do not prevent me from engaging in anti-blackness, but I was unwilling to listen. That was not the behavior of a good ally. It was self-serving and self-centering of me. I was wrong, and I am deeply sorry.

The effect of my tweets and behavior then and now was to perpetuate racism and anti-blackness. I made life harder for women of color. I was not empathetic or supportive. I got defensive and didn't listen. I tore down instead of building up. These are failures on my part.

To everyone I've ignorantly and unthinkingly harmed, when I should have shut up, heard you, and supported: I am sorry.

I would also like to thank the woman who called me out on my problematic behavior and language. Thank you for spending your own time and energy, without compensation, to raise my awareness of the problematic nature of my words and behavior.

I need to do better. So I am committing myself to listen when black women speak and to be mindful of how my language may harm others. I'm committing to curbing the impulse to defend and self-justify when called out, and instead will seek opportunities to listen, learn, and improve. I am opening myself to criticism and accountability for actions that I may not yet understand to be harmful.

These are commitments I should have made before - ones I believed I'd already made - but these events make it clear I need to renew those commitments now.

In the past, I've blocked people for various reasons - sometimes because I didn't want to hear what they were saying about me. I apologize to those WOC whose criticism I refused to hear. I've unblocked and am listening to you as much as you are willing to let me. Thank you for your willingness to speak to those who so desperately need to hear you.

If anyone has anything they'd like to address with me, my @'s and DMs are open. You may also email me at elliot.finley.wake@gmail.com

The onus is not on any of you to talk with or educate me further - that's my responsibility, and mine alone. But I am grateful for the opportunities you've given me to raise my own awareness, to de-center myself, and to hear the voices of black women.

Thank you.

- Elliot Wake

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