Alexander Grumstrup · @AlexTheProG
7th Nov 2016 from TwitLonger
Statement
Hello, Alex here
When i left dignitas, i tought that i would never really have to explain myself, and just kinda leave the scene and "dissapear". Since i will be competing again in the 2017 season, i will share my toughts of the whole retirement thing.
From when i joined dignitas, i had a lot of pressure on performing in Dreamhack France. After a poor performance i got a quite a bit of hate on the social medias. Im not sure why, but it really got to me when monkeys on reddit trashtalked me, or when i got hate messages on twitter.
So next time i was competing - dreamhack sweden - i was really nervous, and had big performance issues the 2 first series, because i didnt feel comfortable on the stage. I underperformed until 3rd series, but we fell short to mYi.
I worked a lot on my mentality, and did everything i could to prepare my mind to play on stage for the next lan dreamhack valencia. At start we played good as a team, and i performed. Then we reached the grandfinals, where i got super nervous, played bad and got carried to a 3-2 victory. As many know i was down after the victory, because i failed to do my job again. When i got home, i didnt really give myself much time away from the game, even tho it was very needed.
After that lan i started to be really stressed IRL, and couldnt really get my mind of the game - in a bad way. I tried to tell myself how it wasnt important to perform @gamescom, but i still felt a big pressure to perform. Felt like i had no energy, and honestly just wanted to stay at home.
At gamescom things were worse than what i had experienced on the other lans. I was feeling really bad, got panic attacks before playday and felt really uncomfortable. I was luckily performing on stage and didnt let my team down that tournament, but just looked forward to going home the whole time.
When i got home i had the same feeling i had before the match days: that i didnt want to play anymore with pressure. Might just sound like i was lazy, but for me saying no to go to blizzcon was a huge decession. Its really not easy to say "no" to something you have practiced so long for, and i also felt like i was starting to perform better on lan. Also leaving my teammates in a awkward position just 1,5 months before blizzcon. But as i said in the statement, then i dont think i was in a state of mind, where i would be able to practice hard and lead the team in-game to be the best in the world, and i still feel like i took the right choice. Even tho i feel like i took the right choice, i obviously am sad that i never got to win something big like blizzcon.
I am now studying 30+h a week so i can take the gymnasium i want to august. Feeling much more relaxed, and enjoying not having any pressure to perform. I didnt intend to go "pro" again, but the HGC sounds like something i want to be a part of, and i can study meanwhile.
I will be playing in the qualifier for "Damascuz bois" together with Ethernal, Crozzby, Remmerballer and Gnappe.
Sry for spelling mistakes, didnt want to read it through and corect Zzz
Tl;dr
AlexTheReturnedG
Will play the HGC while studying