Two years ago I cheated on Sam.

It was a horrible whirlwind of mistakes and bad choices. I blame myself for a lot of it. I was in a really bad place emotionally and had lost sight of the person I wanted to be. I immediately regretted what I had done. I was so scared. I thought there was no way I could ever have a life I actually wanted. I was so far from the person I wanted to be, and hardly even knew what that person would be like. I spent a lot of time in the next few months struggling to find what it was I really wanted from my life. I knew that I still loved Sam, I wanted to be with him more than anything. I was so afraid I had thrown that away. I knew that I wanted to be able to be proud of myself. It took me a while, but eventually I did realize that I had control over my life and who I could become. Even though I have done some horrible things, I do not have to be defined by my worst moments. I do not want to be the person who was capable of hurting the man who brings me so much happiness. I wish more than anything I could take back and change what has happened. I am so so sorry to Sam for dragging him through so much heartbreak. I decided that it would take some major changes for me to become someone that I could be happy with.

So the past two years I have been focusing on myself. On refining myself into the best person I can be. On acknowledging my weaknesses and finding my strengths. I was afraid of how I would be received and didn't want to be weighed down by other people's opinions, when I was already struggling on my own. So I avoided the public eye. My love for learning has drawn me back to school and I have been looking for a career I really love. Through my study I have found that I have a fascination with science and a passion for health so I have been pursuing that and am on the road to becoming a doctor. School has been taking up most of my efforts but I have always made time for my other interests, especially gaming.

I cannot thank my friends enough for being there for me throughout my journey. For loving me no matter what and for always listening. Sam has been the most supportive person in my life. He has helped me to keep moving forward. We both have gone through some tough times and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have Sam by my side through it all. I love Sam with all my heart. I am so happy for him that he has been able to return to his passion of streaming. I am forever grateful for the amazingly warm welcome you guys have given him.

On another note, I am happy to announce that I will be making my own return to Twitch! I will be starting my own channel twitch.tv/KaeporaDeborah . I am still figuring out the details, but expect some Zelda streams soon! Just keep an eye on Twitch and Twitter to hear more. (I am new to this sort of social media so bear with me as I am still learning.)

I wanted you all to hear from me the things that have been going on in my life. Thank you to those of you who waited patiently for me to make a statement in my own time and for respecting my privacy in the mean time.

Love,
Deb - A.K.A. Tolki
(I will be going by my real name, Deb from now on.)

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