CLG_PewPewU

Kevin Toy · @CLG_PewPewU

20th Oct 2016 from TwitLonger

Smash Summit 3


I made it in to Smash Summit 3! Hooray! Thank you guys. Thank you to everyone who supported and still supports me. Your support means a lot to me. I want to talk about something now:

On this climb to reaching the Summit there's no denying that I lost myself in the process. I don't mean to say that I lost my identity-- I'm saying that my core values were flipped upside down. Normally I am a nice, thankful, honest person who wants to be better. During this Summit voting I became the opposite-- harsh, heartless, demeaning... 'qualities' of life that I don't wish to identify with. But the truth is that it happened, and I feel lots of shame. This isn't the product of being """"""A SELLOUT"""""", this is a personal problem.

It's a problem that I believe afflicted other people in the community as well-- never have I experienced so much negativity and honestly just raw personal attacks at me. I had never felt so unsafe to pop in anywhere on the internet-- be it Twitch, facebook, twitter. I went in to a Smash 4 stream at 2am last night (shoutouts to Nairo) and first thing a handful of people say to me is: "wow you really got fucked by Johnny in that last 20 seconds, how does it feel to be 3rd place", "there's no way you'll get in to Summit if you were stuck at 9th place for 2 years", "You don't have real fans. Johnny proved that."

And I'm just sitting here thinking-- is this Smash bros? Is this actually Smash bros that we're indulging in? I don't think it is. All I know is that this week was one of the least healthy weeks of my life in terms of sheer stress and anxiety. I felt pretty depressed all week-- it was difficult to eat and sleep and just interact with people, especially if they were involved in Smash.

I want to be better. As a person and a player. So I'm going to be sure that this unhealthy episode never happens again-- I treated some of my supporters like shit and for reasons that were completely unwarranted due to my ego and entitlement. That's not me, man-- that's some asshole who doesn't care about others.

The truth is I feel extremely depressed. It's not because of you, my fans, your fans, Johnny's fans, smashGG, Summit, The Crimson Blur's tie at TBH6, or any of that. I just feel like I need some time to heal and really REALLY think critically about myself before I hurt myself even more.

I'll be taking a break from streaming until next week (rank #1 netplay will have to wait), and will likely take a break from social media once this Summit campaigning ends. Everyone go vote for The Moon.

Thank you to everyone who supported-- and thanks for your time on reading this. Again, this is not a product of the system-- this is all about S E LF, so I'm going to solve this the right way.

Cheers fam, and thank you for getting me in to Summit 3

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