Sakuya · @idolMariya

6th Oct 2016 from TwitLonger

An Apology

Hi guys I just want to write this out because it's been a long time coming. After seeing the "Remi joins KLG" thread on twitter and kinda surfing through the comments I wanted to try and address the community.

I guess I want to apologize and try to make amends with the community for how I acted back in Challenger and LCS. Here is a little background information on me before I was picked up for Misfits. I was living in a really unstable household, living off foodstamps month by month, I was playing 16 hours a day (boosting for rent and trying to climb on my main so I could find a team) and I was dealing with super awful body image issues. I dealt with these body image issues since I was 15 or 16. I think I looked atrocious in LCS and my stomach would drop seeing candid photos of me or videos or even looking in the mirror which is why you didn't see me in any content. I don't know if people can empathize with that since it is a little extreme but I had anxiety attacks in the Renegades house over this kind of stuff. I was in really unhealthy mental place and the stress from LCS and the exposure was making it a lot worse. But it's not about my time in Challenger and LCS, I know I was a pretty awful person towards the community and even my fans.

Since I left LCS I have finally learned how to be a decent human being. I can actually go outside, go to restaurants, interact with strangers, hold conversations, make phone calls, have fun and genuinely be happy. I never in my time as a teenager learned a lot of the basic skills I would need to be an emotionally stable happy young adult, I just played video games. The months following my departure from LCS I focused on learning these skills. Revy helped me so much along the way, she is the most special wonderful person I have ever met and I owe a lot of my personal happiness to her helping me become a better person. Maybe some of you have noticed, I've recently finished all my cosmetic surgery (major and minor). This is something I was dreaming of since I left college. I hated my own body so much and could only see every flaw in it, I knew I had to get surgeries to fix it. Finishing all of these surgeries feels like closing a chapter in my life. I feel like a complete human being and I don't hate looking in the mirror anymore. It's truly the most amazing and liberating feeling after 7+ years of genuinely hating myself.

I've stayed away from posting negative stuff on social media when I feel bad (okay maybe a few slip ups hehe...), but that's a lesson I learned the hard way. Making emotional outbursts against trolls usually only proves their point. Ever since I left LCS and started interacting with people in the real world, I've grown way thicker skin. I think it's because when I leave the computer and go outside, I'm treated like a regular girl. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world for me to just feel like a normal person. :)

I guess the reason I wrote all this is I wanted to share what I've been working on the my past few months and how much I personally have grown as a human. I finally feel like a decently well adjusted girl. I'd even be prepared to go back to college now if I set that in my sights. Looking back on how I treated the community during that period, lashing out on twitter, treating my fans poorly, treating the outside world like everyone hated me and acting like such a victim... I really wanna apologize and I hope I can start making amends. I will let my actions in and out of game prove how I've matured as an individual. If some people are willing to give me a chance, I'll try to be a player and person you can respect and actually cheer for.

Thank you for reading this. :)


Reply · Report Post