an one year overdue statement

---

very long post tl;dr at the bottom
(alot of mistakes included pls dont mind them too much)

Recently you might have noticed that i have been upset about my current situation in life.
There are a couple of things which bother me to the point where i have to say i take a step back.
What does that mean?
Well i wont continue streaming in the near future, i wont try to get into casting again and my pro career has always been a thing of the past i feel like so i dont even know if its worth mentioning.
I will still play heroes of the storm and continue my love and hate relationship with this game and maybe you will be able to spot me in some streamers' matches when i come across them in heroleague.
How did u come to that conclusion?
This wouldnt be a classic "im done twitlonger" w/o some experiences and controversial statements so let me start off by saying:
I dont think i provide good enough content, neither am i a good personality for this community, neither do i think i am able to deal with the pressure of not knowing whats next.
I cant maintain a nice tone on stream while playing HotS like others can onstream, because im not an entertainer in the firstplace, or atleast this isnt what i want to be. I am entertaining if i get salty people say, but this isnt the content i want to provide to people, which maybe look up to me and maybe learn bad habits from that. I want to compete on a high level with other people in the hero league enviroment and maybe even show off some moves and educate people on how to get better and proof myself by achieving top ranks on the ladder.
But why wouldnt you try to become a pro again, if u want to compete on the highest level?
First of all i dont think i am in the best shape i ever was mechanically and mentally (towards the game)
Secondly i have to get my life priorities straight and try to atleast progress in university to secure my future, because of the short nature of esports (more on that later)
Thirdly i deal with some health conditions which would hinder my performance in a lan environment (no need to get the feels also (no mental conditions))
And for my last point which alrdy got mentioned earlier..... my personality.
Well since i am too stupid to study psychology i will not try to give others an exceptionally well writen article about the state of my own mental health, but let me try to get my main issues in here.
I can take quite some hits when people tell me that I am a bad streamer, a bad player, have bad english, should go f* myself etc. etc. i mean this is the internet you should be able to deal with it. Those are random people which could be right in what they are saying, but you dont care enough for them to get "hit" by that.
It stops for me at that moment when people in the heroes community and the heroes twitch community that you could call your friends or people u look up to do that, but not because they want to help u improve ur personality or english or whatever, instead they will write private messages including rumors and such or will even go to other streamers chatrooms etc. in order to bring ur reputation down.
This hurt me alot ever since i got kicked out of kinguin (its another story to be told but not this time) and prolly even b4 that. This hurt my confidence and my ability to maintain "friendships" in this scene and i made myself an outcast or a guy that people would generalize as a memer in hots pro terms and after not competing in a very serious team for quite a while i also knew that i wouldnt be good enough to get back into an established team and would have to start over at 0 again (after 1 year of achieving the dream of becoming one of the best) and i wasnt able to achieve that sadly.
Ofc there are quite a bunch of people which never did any of this and always helped me through tough times (khaldor, starzerg, youngbaek, the 3x caution EU chat and alot more), but i came to the conclusion that i would rather prefer to not be in that light and have it more quiet around me, in order to not continue the trend of remembering me as that guy who says "everything used to be better" or "that toxic guy".
Secondly i think i am not able to deal with the highest amount of pressure, which isnt having to hit that oh so important kerrigan combo, but the pressure of my future/life in general. Sounds like general tumblr talk, but well let me explain first.
In heroes of the storm there arent alot of sponsors coz the nature of how tournaments are held. Teams barely get exposure on streams in the community and so on. I bet 95% of the community (if not more) wouldnt be able to name which pro teams consist of which players and so on.
Is that the fault of the community ?
yes and no (nice answer kek). The community has the big problem of not wanting to get better at the game by watching pro games or pro streamers, but why ? Well if u at every point of the development of this game start trying to make cuts because of the "very casual" community and dont want to make stuff which could be complex and hard to master and therefore giving you the potential of carrying a game on your own it becomes a problem. Remember when muradin had rewind on 13 ? well those were crazy times i know was it overpowered ? yes probably, but it was a tool to make plays with going for those double stunlock combos and you could carry a game by mastering ur hit% of ur stormbolts. Or the now happening removal of relentless because it is confusing for new players and they think its a bug ? well there would be too much to mention here so i will just mention those 2 examples.
So what happens if u do this for over 2 years ? Well you give people arguments about how that game is easy to play and to master and they are able to justify it with every single change u get implemented into the game, even tho heroes prolly has a higher skill ceiling in the pro enviroment than some other games macro and micro wise. Therefore those people dont feel obliged to watch those pro games.
On top of that the heroes scene is very unstable due to the for players very unpleasent tournament structure. 2 Regionals per season dont rly cut it for those players sadly. If u are a lower ranked team and just manage to get to that event and get 7/8th place u could call that a nice holiday trip and u get 1k $ (not euros even in EU) per player, before taxes even apply to that, on top of that sounds great right?
Well reality is that u spend prolly more than 1 or 2 months for the preparations, scrims, replay analysis etc. where u could have just went to some fastfood chain worked there and got more money for even less work and dedication.
BUT ORGS SPONSOR THEM AND GIVE THEM MONEY !!!111!!!!!
Alot of organisations will supply a "lower end top 10 team" with no money at all in most cases and just some peripherals and will maybe even take a cut on the prize money up to 20% so from those 1k$ u will end up at prolly 500$.
Those teams are bound to disband and reform almost every now and then coz for them they have to try and find the best possible team in order to have a chance to get into the spot which i will call the "almost safe zone".
Those top 4 teams will get alot more prizemoney than the lower and teams, but will also have to pay the same cuts/taxes depending on country and organisation behind them. They will get some salary which might be up to fastfood chain standards and they can, if u add up the prize money, maybe even safe a little bit on their bank. This is why i call it the "almost safe zone", because those teams have to fear that at one point they might get beaten by other teams and soon find themselves in the "lower end" again and have to work their way up again and those "savings" wont even last for a year if u were to live in ur own flat and had to pay the bills.
tl;dr about that part if u arent dignitas or misfits (in EU atleast) u should be careful that u wont live under a bridge soon.
So in conclusion if blizzard would provide an offline league with a bonus salary which would be profitable we would see less rosterswaps coz its more stable we would have better teams and more viewership coz people wouldnt ask "didnt bkb just get kicked out of liquid why is he alrdy back in again and hey where is vortix i miss his vikings? " and teams would more fans due to that than the randomly organized online qualifiers ending up with a lan event some of them might not even attend.
so after all that u understand the basic part of pressure in heroes esports. you have to be a top team (top 2) in order to have a chance of maintaining enough savings for troublesome times. And yes infact this is the kind of pressure i cant deal with and this is why i wont be able to compete on pro events until alot of things will change in that matter and therefore continue my studies at the university.

tl;dr Wont stream the next months, will play hots still, cant go pro with current system, will continue studying

Reply · Report Post