I LOVE ZEN SO MUCH AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS!!

Actually, I just wanted to talk about Zen's narcissism and how I don't think it's actually narcissism (though I'd still call him one just as an easy label to describe him) just a high sense of self-love. Or, if he is still a narcissist then it's not one that is destructive or toxic (if that's possible LOL). This ain't gonna be a cool essay or anything because I already know it's going to devolve into me screaming about how I love this man.

Right, so... narcissism. He talks and praises his own looks a lot. A LOT. But he never uses it as a weapon or insult to put others down. Does it, as a byproduct, affect Yoosung's confidence at times? Yes, but Zen doesn't actively go out of his way to put him (or others) down. He talks about his looks like how Jumin talks about everything else; it's a fact that he is one handsome sonnofagun. IIRC there was one time when he compared someone to his looks but it was along the lines of "nobody can match my looks cause I'm just so handsome lolol" which could be exasperating to some, fair enough, but once again he doesn't target people to put them down. In fact, he actually compliments easily and there are multiple times when he calls the heroine cute and lovely without bringing it back to his looks at all. (Ex. the cat conversation where he says you're cuter than a cat and he'll continue to tell you this whenever you forget).

Jumping to another point (but it's still related!) it really struck me when I learned that Zen was a starving artist. His dream has been to act on a stage from a young age and he talks about having had to work two jobs and struggle like hell to reach this point in his life. And it really shows when you hear him turn down Jumin's offers for more popularity (though granted it was heavily influenced because he dislikes Jumin and Jumin was trolling him with the cat stuff) but he's also talked about conversations where he turned down offers for him to be a professional model (especially for swimwear and underwear). Zen's passions lies in acting and he doesn't stray from his principles to achieve "fame"; a true narcissist would have jumped on this chance to spread their face around everywhere for more popularity and fans. Zen makes it really clear that talent, hard work, and skill is VERY important to him.

I'm still on Day 6 so I have no idea about his past but I'm pretty sure there's gonna be extreme family drama coming up sometime soon. There's been too many clues dropped in the game about Zen not wanting anyone's backing and wanting to achieve his dreams by his own efforts. In his route, Jumin sounded vaguely derisive about Zen's art which makes me wonder if Zen's family was uptight about it at all and unsupportive. And seeing how the game seems to be set in an Asian country I can easily imagine the pressures that come from a family which don't value the arts. This brings me to feeling like Zen, faced with that, poured all his faith in himself (because he was the only one who supported himself at this point) and developed this self-love and confidence in himself.

Right now Zen is also giving me vibes of being chased by something. Something is driving him to the point where he feels like he needs to succeed or die trying (and wow that fucking call he gives to you about that IS SO DAMN SAD). You know that saying "Fake it 'till you make it"? Yeah, I think Zen embodies this but to the point where he honestly does feel this kind of confidence and self-love.

WHICH IS JUST LIKE... HELLA ATTRACTIVE?? As someone who has low self-esteem it's just really inspiring to see someone believe in themselves that much. AND NOW WHENEVER I LOOK AT HIM I JUST THINK OF THIS GODDAMN QUOTE "You can't love someone unless you love yourself first. Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you, oh god, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like." - http://constant-nxthing.tumblr.com/post/102251066803/you-cant-love-someone-unless-you-love-yourself

*** BUT WHAT DO I KNOW BECAUSE I'M ONLY ON DAY 6. I COULD BE REALLY WRONG AT THIS POINT LMAO. ***

At any rate, PEOPLE WHO ARE UNASHAMEDLY IN LOVE AND POSITIVE ABOUT THEMSELVES IS GREAT, WAH. Especially if they aren't assholes to other people which we've established that Zen isn't and that's why I feel like he isn't a narcissist at all (and if he is then it isn't a toxic one).

It also makes the gap moe so GOOD when he shows you his vulnerable side. Here, you have a man who is brimming with utter confidence and KNOWS how good looking he is, skilled, and amazing, etc etc. and yet you're the first person he calls when he's feeling anxious and the only person he confesses his worries and fears to about not being able to achieve his goals. At times his extreme shows of narcissism almost seem like a front and I AM SO WEAK TO PEOPLE WHO SMILE TO HIDE THEIR PAIN. He's not a vapid person who just stares into his mirror; he works SO DAMN HARD to improve his own career on his own terms, to the point where he sometimes wrecks his own health.

Of course, for all this love I feel towards him he still has faults (all the characters do which make them feel so human). Zen is especially close-minded towards Jumin ;;; and I think Yoosung had a point when he called out how selfish and inconsiderate Zen was acting in the past when he'd only ever log on to drop his selfies and then leave. Relationships are a give and take, yo! This includes platonic relationships too.

ANYWAY, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. The older I get the more I feel like self-love is important because at times it almost feels like we're a generation of depressed individuals and if you even show a moderate amount of confidence in yourself you're labeled as arrogant or something. Confidence and self-love is something we should celebrate more so long as it's not used to wound others.

TL;DR: Zen's narcissism is more like just a high sense of self-love and he's a really kind and considerate person that I can easily see sharing his confidence to support his partner T_T. Also, a man who has principles and a dream that he's put in so much of himself into.

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