words can't express how genuinely sorry I am - but I hope this helps
My intention with this post is not to redirect blame but to consolidate my sins and accept them all together.
My mistake here (beyond saying something with zero tact) is not paying attention to how arduous the opinion is in and of itself. I should have known that a topic that is extremely difficult to discuss could elicit opinions that are morally reprehensible.
My knee jerk reaction was also very childish: 'They just don't understand what I was saying!' but after I let my emotions calm down I realized that the only person who is problematic in this situation is myself. Though I stand by the idea that I felt I was misrepresented it was entirely my fault and has no bearing on the comprehension of the listener. It is my job to convey my ideas in a way that everyone can understand. The opinion said on stream was not only stupid to begin with, but was also stated with zero sensitivity, and for my lack of compassion and care for such a delicate and sensitive topic, from the bottom of my heart I apologize.
Though this does not serve as an excuse I would like to just point out that sometimes I forget that I have an audience no matter how small. I have people that watch me, people who listen to what I say. I have become so comfortable in my stream, especially as it is intimate and small that I often at times feel as though I’m chatting with friends, and in front of a group of friends it's much easier for somebody to say 'You're stupid as fuck for what you just said' and then I'm able to fix the problem and understand why I was wrong then and there. Though I'm aware that some thoughts we as humans keep to ourselves behind closed doors. What I said has no place in this world. And while my words were inexcusable I’d like to take this time to just quickly explain what I meant. I don't want you to think my 'opinion behind closed doors' in this case is the fact that I think all children with cancer deserve to die.
In summation I struggled with the idea of donating to children with a disease that will end their lives sooner than they might be able to utilize the money donated. Instead – I felt that donating to a cause whose main focus is research conducive to curing cancer and other horrible diseases would be a much more efficient use of donations, though either one you donate to no matter what is going to aid the problem at hand.
I am aware that half of the money donated to St. Jude (44%) does go towards research and development, I am more interested in further characterizing the disease as a main goal. But this isn't about me, it never was. This isn't about what my interests or goals are - it's about the children and what is going to help them. I'm not a medical professional - It was ignorant for me to assume anything about St Jude's goals, and even more benighted to assume I knew what was best for the future of cancer research. I never meant to trivialize children with cancer or the crucibles that St. Jude has to overcome and forgo to see that these children are taken care of. That was and never will be my intention.
Nothing can express how sorry I am – my previous actions have not been spotless and I’m guilty of past sins – but I don’t want one of them to be this. There have been many people on twitter shaming my words and myself and rightfully so – and to be honest I’m very open and welcoming to any constructive advice you have for me. I’m willing to work with any and all of you to make things right. My intention here is to let any shred of dignity and ego I have down and open myself up for punishment, atonement, and general improvement as a person.
'I'd like to leave this part specifically for Rey.
Firstly, I want to apologize for my stupid comment about the bugattis. Yet another classless remark of me not knowing just what to do when the spotlight is on me. I felt like I had no option – when I get really scared or anxious I just smile and make jokes to myself in my head. It’s how I cope with things – I don’t know how to do anything else. I understand that my name is pretty dirty right about now but I really just wanted you to know this. I don’t want you to think that I’m an awful person.
But many people might say “who cares about one person’s opinion”, or just sweep that stuff under the rug but I care. Because you're not just “one person” to me - you're clearly one of the biggest and most powerful well-informed faces of female streamers. You're one of the few that's not afraid to speak her mind and you're rarely on the wrong side of the moral coin. You don't owe it to me at all to do this but I would love if you reached out privately or publicly and told me exactly what I need to do to make things right. This doesn't mean we become best friends but as you've seen time and time again people put their foot in their mouth. I would really appreciate if you just gave me some guidance. What do I need to do for you to forgive me?
For everybody else – thank you so much for reading this far if you did. I don’t want this to be the end of my streaming journey. I don’t want this to ruin what you think of me even though it might already have. And if I did – I hope in time you give me another chance to show you that I’m not that person you think I am.
Having an audience still feels new to me. I’m still learning, I’m still growing up. I’m just as ignorant and naïve as everyone else can be, if not even MORE so.
So while I can never really express how sorry I am – I am aware of my pernicious actions. I hope that I get another chance, even if I don’t really deserve it, or you.