Rangiku Matsumoto · @xoMatsumoto
21st Mar 2016 from TwitLonger
A letter to Gin
Gin,
I have so many things I wish I could say to you. Since the instant I lost my hold on your arm at the execution grounds, that frightful moment when you revealed to all of Soul Society that you had betrayed them, I have been filled with unanswered questions, with doubt, with confusion, and with so much sorrow. I was so angry with you, iie, anger isn’t the right word. I was furious. How dare you make me doubt every moment that we shared. Every time you wiped my tears, every time you shared your persimmons with me, and every birthday that we ever celebrated together, from that moment, became memories I could no longer treasure. I hated that feeling. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night, praying it had all been a nightmare. Upon realizing that it was reality, and that you were really gone, I would cry myself back to sleep. In my lowest points, Gin, I hated you for not taking me with you.
My heart also ached for Kira Fukutaichou. I wondered if he also wished you had included him in your betrayal. He trusted you too, Gin. I could barely look at him after you left, knowing that he shared my same pain and that we had both been left behind by the same, elusive man. Eventually, however, our pain was drawn to each other. Kira and I decided to it would be best to talk to each other about you, and through this, we could carry the weight of each other’s burdens. I now call Kira one of my best friends. Arigatou, Gin.
After your departure with Aizen into Hueco Mundo, I could hardly even speak to Hitsugaya Taichou. He very easily could have said ‘I told you so,’ but he knew it would break me if he had. He would catch me thinking about you, when I thought nobody was around. I know you would have laughed, seeing my reaction. That little brat would always scare me, sneaking up on me, just like you would have done. Being the respectful young man he is, he never pried too much when he would find me looking dreadfully melancholy, and I would never tell him about my true feelings, because it would only make him worry. As you could guess, he was already spending most of his time worrying about poor Hinamori—chan, who had far more reason to be upset than I did. I chose not to confide in her either, for her emotional state became more fragile by the day, understandably. Honestly, Gin, I confided in very few people. I didn’t want anyone to worry more than they had to at the time. We were all preparing for battle, the battle against you.
Putting on a happy face was the hardest part of it all, Gin. The girl who always partied a little too hard was never suspect for being depressed or over doing it, so luckily nobody noticed when I started to drink alone. Getting drunk was, countless nights, the only way I could sleep. I dreamt about you almost every night. I always found it strange that all of my dreams about you were happy ones, never nightmares. For some reason, this always gave me hope that you were unchanged, and that maybe, you were dreaming of me as well. Did you dream of me, Gin? It feels silly to ask such questions now, now that I know you will never be able to answer them.
You have been gone almost a month now, iie, it has been 29 days and six hours since you took your last breath in Karakura Town, safely in my arms. Meaning that for 29 days and six hours, I have known your true intentions. For 29 days and six hours, I have been able to look back at our memories without any doubts in my mind. For 29 days and six hours, I have been able to fall asleep with a smile upon my face. For 29 days and six hours, I have been able to confidently walk around Soul Society, knowing that the man I loved also loved me in return. Even now, I feel your protective presence all around me. Please, do not fret. Although a few tears escaped me during the time I’ve taken to write this letter to you, they are not tears of sadness, but those of joy. My only regret is that our love was not meant to flourish happily during this life. Luckily there’s always next time, neh? Arigatou, my darling Gin. I love you with all of my heart.
Forever yours,
Rangiku