I think it's time for me to say goodbye.
This is Chris, though most of you now me as Clawshrimpy (@Clawshrimpy), and it's time I face the music.
So I decided that if I lay out my goodbyes, and all my feelings about going through with ending this pathetic existance of mine, If I lay everything out about how I feel about it, that it'll be easier for me, somehow, to not fail at it again.
The first people I want to address are people who know me from the internet, then I'll address IRL stuff.
Some of these are going to be actual meaningful goodbyes, while others will be .more emotional lashings out.
To Raikon (@Shotagonist) You're one of the people that makes this the hardest. You're one of the very few people who not only gave a shit about me, but actually was a very dear friend to me, you made me feel like I was less alone, that I wasn't crazy for my opinions, that I can find someone I can fit in with. But...So much negativity in both my online and offline lives makes it hard to survive just on you alone, I know that you think I'm worth it, that I deserve to live, but... I can't believe that. I just can't go on anymore, not when so many other people hate me, not when I negatively affect others, not when I'm so unwelcome...
To Lanz (@SynthMinded) I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I know you believed in me, that I could make it, that I was worth it and good enough... I'm...so....so sorry that I'm a disappointment. You tried so hard to help me and I was so difficult, I refused to let you help me... this is just more evidence for me not deserving to live. I just...I could never get better the way you think I can. It's too much.
To SuddenlySenpai/BadWrongFun (@Bad_Wrong_Fun) We only knew each other for a little while talking about robot stuff, even if it was us just complaining about the awful mecha fanbase, or about my controversial opinions or whatever. I regret not getting a chance to roleplay with your group. I....I tried to take what you said to me the first time I got really suicidal on twitter and realize how much you cared but...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to make it. I'll miss you.
To any other nice twitter people who reached out to me and talked to me who didn't argue with or say thigns to hurt me, (@Nechoic, etc. a few others, sorry if I left you out, I just goten used to the idea of having so few friends, so I'm sorry if I'm forgetting anyone.) You made me feel like... on some level, I had that community I longed for... but the truth of the matter is... you wonderful people were outnumbed... drowned out by all the negative people... and I just can't live with being so hated, and having such a tiny list of friends, I still feel just as surrounded and helpless as back in high school. I'm sorry it's coming to this. You all deserve a stronger, more worthwhile and better friend than me.
To the gater/MRA/anti-SJ types who harassed/argued with me on twitter and ask.fm: I admit it. You were right. Don't worry, soon there will be one less SJW standing in the way of your quest to preserve the straight/neurotypical/cis/masculine status quo. Your right that I'll never get better, because as you said, I'm not a fully functional adult and has no place in adult communities, meaning I should die. I hope breaking down one queer disabled feminine "beta cuck" to the point of suicide helps you.
To the SA people of ADTRW: You were right about me too. I'm beyond help, as the mod said in my ban message, I am a negative effect to everyone around me. I don't just deserve to ostracized and isolated away. I deserve to die. Even if I tried so hard in the challenge thread to do my best, my best still wasn't good enough to change. Story of my life, actually, which is why I feel the need to do this.
To 4chan, specifically /m/: Whoever said that "Sometimes bullying is deserved and justified" and that I was "a case for euthanizing undesirables.", I finally believe it now, I deserve to be dead because I'm not good enough, Sorry that I lowered the quality of your board by being around.
To the people of Platformers: Along with the message to Lanz above, I have to say you were the roughest I felt after I was kicked out. I know a lot of you justifiably despised me, even though I tried my best to fit in while still being myself. After I got banned the first time... when I came back..... I was actually trying so hard to be a better person... to be someone you'd like to have around, but as I said above, my best isn't good enough, story of my life. A few people at plat cared about me at one point like Lanz still does, but at some point you all gave up on me and got rid of me because I wasn't worth the trouble. And given how angry I made a lot of you, it's probably justified. I'm a terrible burden and you didn't have to put up with me as long as you did. SA and fucking 4chan sure didn't.
And now for the real life stuff:
I'm not going to talk about my family because I have nothing but love and respect for my family, .I always felt like I wasn't doing well enough to be supportive of my family, and even though I tried so hard at times, I just couldn't do enough.
Outside of that:
To Micheal, the "friend" from high school who betrayed me: I used to think you cared about me. I used to think I was your friend and vice versa. I LOVED YOU. I loved you and... when you caught wind I had a maybe crush on you, you turned on me so hard. You set me up, telling me to meet you in the park that day, that day in senior year I first encountered my rapists. You were my friend, and just because you picked up on me liking you and that I was queer, you let those guys beat and rape me? Were you ever my friend? You do know they did it more than that one time, right? Fuck you, Micheal. You hurt me and betrayed me, and I bet you don't even care.
To the 4 guys who abused and raped me during senior year: You guys took fucking EVERYTHING from me. You violated me and put me through such horrible humiliation, I still feel the gagging of being forced to suck off you bastards. I still remember the crying, how horrible and ashamed I felt when you motherfuckers told me to "stick out my toungue" as you slapped my face with your fucking dicks as you called me a slut and a f-slur and a r-slur. And I still remember when one of you flipped me over and fucked me as the others held me down and told me to shut up. No matter how helpless I was, no matter how much I cried... you guys took pleasure in my pain. And before you left each time, I begged you to show mercy and kill me, but you wouldn't do it. You guys are the reason I have no will to live. You broke me, completely. And because of how helpless I was, that I did what you told me to and I couldn't even vocalize a call for help or even fight back.... I guess I deserved it. You proved how weak, how helpless, how worthless and useless I am. You shown to me that people like me will never be safe and deserve to suffer and die.
If I had to go through everyone that said slurs and othered me, everyone that beat me up or hurt me in high school and otherwise, this would go on like this for forever. I don't feel safe or that I belong at all because of it, and because of all the people who hate me online, outside of a very small group of people who do care about me be they my family or my extremely small list of supportive people who talk to me on the internet.
With that said, I'm still scared going into this. I don't know if I'll even be able to go through with it. I very well could fail and still be here, I just thought putting my feelings and thoughts about both the few people who liked me and the large groups that hate me all out and pour my heart out into a goodbye post might help alleviate the pain a little. I don't want to be here anyone and want to end my suffering, but... even still, I might still not have the resolve to go through with it.
So I guess this is it. This might be goodbye, it might not if I fail. Typing out my feeling like this, shaking and crying... it's made me feel a little better... but I don't know if that's enough. Either way, I can't keep living my life the way I'm living it right now. I need to do something.