Kevin Nanney · @EG_PPMD

4th Jan 2016 from TwitLonger

Thought I wasn't going to have to make a big tweet but after this appointment I changed my mind.

Before I talk about exactly what happened at the office though, I want to explain what this experience has been like for me since I last made a long tweet after Summit. This is to help show why I haven't been doing much despite finding treatment, as well as why it took me so long to start the treatment.

Right after I began taking Testosterone(T) and Vitamin D for my very low levels of it in November, I didn't notice much of a difference at all. I wasn't bothered by it though. In fact, I generally wasn't bothered or responding to much at all at the time. I was pretty apathetic or very hard to motivate without realizing it. I would think "the treatment will work eventually" without noticing how it affected me. Basically, this is more of the same. Before I got T and Vitamin D, I wanted to want to do things, but couldn't get myself to do them if that makes sense. I would recognize how important it would be to practice Melee or stream or something, but I just didn't make myself do it. It's strange to explain and experience. This way of living helped me save energy though which was pretty good, since even talking to people had me lying down for an hour at a time, unable to move. This strange lack of motivation but extreme fatigue is central to why I didn't get treatment before Summit when I had been having those issues before then. I hadn't realized how bad things were until then basically.

On a Melee front I can make this more understandable I think. Since there is a memory disruption and foggy thinking/focus associated with low T and fatigue this should be easier to explain in the game. For starters, I can't really follow much with my eyes. I check how I am doing every other day by seeing if I can follow Falco's repeated SHL with my eyes. I haven't been able to follow him yet. I also can't remember anything that happens in a match, which is even harder when the opponent plays a fast character(shoutouts to Fox). Finally, due to the fatigue, any improved skill I have from treatment often evaporates quickly and I have to stop practice/playing with others.

In case you're wondering, I do sleep regularly and well as well as exercise when I can. My muscles don't respond well to exercise so I do it when possible.

As you can imagine, this is driving me CRAZY. I was supposed to be better by this point! I beat depression, I'm not sick, I got everyone hype, but there's something I can't speed up in the way now. It makes me very sad that I can't play how I want and bring my ideas out, that I am making competition worse by bringing the average skill level down, and am frustrating many figureheads and good players who may think I am being lazy or don't understand my position. I don't really know what to do to speed this up at all but I'm trying everything I can.

It is from this mental state that I awaited blood test results at the Doctor today. I find out my T has improved(!!!!) but it is still well below healthy ranges. This is not too surprising apparently since I started on the lowest dosage of T. My Vitamin D is great though which is nice. The Doctor said we will increase the T dosage 50% and wait 6 more weeks to see what happens. I wanted to increase it further or try something else if something existed to speed things up. That doesn't work because of the risks of having too much T. I was very adamant about doing anything possible to get me better but the treatment would be the same. At this point, I tried to see what would happen on the upcoming dose. Is it possible I could be in good shape from it? Will I only rise a bit in T but still be below a good range like before? The Doctor didn't know. This is apparently standard procedure, but this incremental way of doing things is exasperating for me when I've never felt unable to correct issues even partially on my own in my life before like this. It is a unique challenge for me, but one I am not enjoying.

It is with all of this in mind that I removed myself from commentary at Genesis 3. I felt I could still have energy to do the meet n greet and do that pretty well but not with commentary. I wanted to do both of course but I would feel pretty guilty about not being able to give a decent product on the mic. You all deserve better than that.

I'm still competing there, don't worry =p

Now that that's out of the way, I will say this. I have noticed a trend, however slow, of improved focus and energy. Some days I fall off and some days I can't read because I can't see the page, but generally things are getting better. I am still seeing very very slow improvements in my subjective experience and my gameplay. I am doing everything I can to get back asap to make this a great year for myself and Melee. I think these upped T doses and patience for a little longer from you guys will go a long way toward helping make that happen. I try not to talk about this stuff too much because I don't want to spread too much negativity or make it seem as though I'm not trying to get better. I think this all warranted a big update though.

Thanks for sticking around if you guys did read this. Thanks to EG for being endlessly supportive, I will go super ham for you guys when this stuff all works out. Fans, same goes to you <3

Here's to a new and improved 2016, and see you at Genesis 3! =)

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