Literal Grill · @Smapps_
1st Jan 2016 from TwitLonger
January Will Be My Last Month Writing On Smash
That title is probably a shock going into the new year for most but it's not a joke. I plan to 'retire' as a writer for Smashboards at the end of January. I know that's going to come as quite the shock to people especially as it's out of nowhere (and I launched two websites yesterday) but I'll start to explain.
I love Smash a LOT. Obviously I wouldn't put in all this work if I didn't, but let me explain just about how much work it takes to write as much as I do. Every morning I wake up, take pills, play for a little bit with my daughter (if I'm lucky and have time) grab her breakfast, then sit down at the computer. I only end up getting off that computer if it's an insanely slow news days and that's usually to run errands where I have to talk as I don't have a car. Maybe I get a half hour to spend with my daughter, but to try and keep up with this much news on over six Smash games and provide tons of info on them and even attempt to be knowledgeable on the all it takes that much study constantly. Even with breaks to try and rest y eyes, gaming glasses, and hand stretches, I'm starting to have constant headaches and hand pain even when WRITING now. The reason I got into writing is the first place was because my hands had become too weak and in pain to even play the game anymore and I wanted to still be connected somehow to this game I love, and now I may not even be able to do that. This workload also means I basically never get to even play the games I actually enjoy anymore as I'm too busy. Why have a hobby I can't even participate in?
This doesn't even cover other health concerns. This may sound hilarious and in a way it is, but I'm severely dyslexic. It's why I have a typo problem. I never have these problems when writing in smaller doses and my brain is less scrambled (the work I do for eSports teams is always spotless and I was even once an editor for over 100 board game rulebooks). When I went to report live for Evo, the constant standing and walking made my feet bad. When I say bad, I mean that when I got home I was unable to walk for an entire week after and my feet were swollen to over twice their size.
So now with hand pains and headaches I'm expected to try and do it again for Genesis 3. I gotta take a FOUR DAY bus trip with two days there and two days back. I can't ask for a flight, that's too expensive and no one feels a writer is worth that. Not only that but going to tournaments isn't even something I look forward to as fun, it's work. I can't hang with Smash friends after the day is done, I have to sit down and write (after interviewing and writing all day long) so I'm paying and begging for money so I can even afford these bus tickets just so I can even stay relevant and try to grow in any way as a writer for our scene just to work EVEN harder and more than likely severely injure myself, how messed up is that?
I've been crying a lot these past few weeks and I mean a LOT. Basically every single night as I try to close out the day. My wife has said I look miserable and haven't been really happy in months. I tried to launch two projects the other day that cost money (I'm broke, every penny I have is SUPER important) and after weeks of effort being put in it basically was entirely a flop, not even worth the time it took (at least the other started okay).
This leads me to the next big problem. I HATE disappointing people and letting people down as I know the scene needs someone like me to keep the news down and especially to support Smash 4 but the returns are not even close to what it takes to keep writing. Getting ignored a LOT when asking for interviews, having to worry that if you get the wrong top player or member of the scene mad they'll ignore you even worse and even get their friends to (which has happened to me before and I've even been told my work would be boycotted by a large number of people if I 'didn't behave') and it combines into a giant paranoiafest where I can't even write everything I want to. Plus most of the time when you do a HUGE favor for people, write an article that takes hours, trying to keep people updated when they do something cool, almost EVERY time when I ask for even just a retweet to help out on some of my biggest content (something SO easy) all I get is silence. Completely ignored.
Smash and especially the scene for Smash 4 has become a game only about personal gain and people are so happy to get the help until they need it in return. This doesn't apply to everyone, there are a few people who have been AMAZINGLY supportive and dove in whenever I needed help. You'll know who you are, I wish everyone was just like you then maybe I could make it as a Smash writer.
And there's the next thing. One of my big goals this year was to finally make it in eSports and somehow make this a career. I put in over 16 hour days at times, I figure I should be able to make more than around $8,400 dollars a YEAR (my salary right now, not joking). Things is this is basically impossible in Smash. I've attempted patreon, everyone ignored it. Asked for donations and only got the help when I was truly desperate (which I do appreciate don't get me wrong).
I'm putting my physical health, mental well-being, and time with my family aside to generally not get support, appreciation, and have no chance at a real career in Smash. After thinking and crying on it so much I'm sorry to let people down but that is NOT worth it even for the games I love and people I like.
The title is a TINY bit misleading as I will still be writing and some of that may end up involving Smash. I do not plan to stop writing for the eSports teams I work for. When I stay up late to write something last minute, or honestly write anything, all I get is appreciation and even their team's fans tend to love what I'm doing. I get to write about a lot of different games and get cool opportunities there and it doesn't take every hour of the day to keep up. If a team I write for has a Smash team I'll obviously use my knowledge and write Smash for them.
I MIGHT also continue WiiBrawlin. While I followed Smash for years Brawl is what got me actually active and thinking I should get involved in Smash 4 and say what you will but I love to watch it to this day. I think I can keep up with ONE Smash title if I focus on it and that's the community that needs help more than anyone else (maybe bar Super Smash Flash 2 and maybe I'll work with it for fun simply) so I think I may still write there even if all I get from it is personal joy in watching Brawl.
Now I'm going so that means something: other people are going to have to step up. Smash 4 getting tons of in depth coverage, loads of video makers getting loads of extra exposure, all of that for this scene, Brawl, foreign Smash scenes, it's all not going to just magically happen with my grueling efforts. People have been spoiled. People forgot before when if a tournament was happening they were INCREDIBLY lucky to have something written on it, when folks got sponsored and nobody ever saw, when an event happened in a small lesser known scene and it had no chance of promotion. This is what stuff was like before I joined the Smashboards writing team, not sometimes more than two articles a day, lucky if there was something every day of the week. You people are going to have to work together and make it happen and not be lazy. It wont just happen anymore, others will have to invest to see it happen.
I'm sorry for anyone I'm disappointing and for those who will be let down. You folks are why I kept driving forward so long and trying to get up every day to do this. But now I just can't anymore. I don't want to have a mental breakdown or slowly slip into a bad depression over a video game. This used to be TONS of fun, I want to go back to writing being fun again especially until it becomes a real paying gig.
I have a lot of things I still want to do, big projects I want to see happen. I wont just vanish either, but I'll likely not be following as many Smashers as I used to. Please don't be offended if I don't follow you anymore, I like a lot of people but I don't want my twitter feed to be filled with Smash and only Smash. It'll just make me even more sad.
I'm looking forward to actually have time to watch other games, heck PLAY a game properly for the first time in months. I can't even remember how long it's been since I've played a board game and I have a whole closet of them. I'm looking forward to having whole days I can spend with my daughter and time to enjoy with my wife. I'm looking forward to streaming as a new hobby for fun so you all can actually get to know ME better outside of just being 'that writer guy who does everything'. It's going to be a nice change of pace and I'm really looking forward to it.
So farewell come December. Hopefully some of you folks who have really become friends and have supported me stick around after this to keep up with these new adventures. I'll miss Smash, but it's time to step down. See you later space cowboys...