NShadow · @_NShadow

19th Apr 2015 from TwitLonger

Please Read And Retweet This (About Leaving Juice)

I never, for a second, meant for that post to fuel any anti-diem propoganda. The reason I deleted it is because I'm not going to feed into that. Diem doesn't deserve that. Sure, I was writing for myself. It was my complete intention to recognize something important about MYSELF through that post. I was hurting. I felt I was wronged by the community I loved, by the person I loved, and was extremely misguided.

As I said, I have panic disorder. Along with symptoms of extreme anxiety and panic come mood swings, depression, absences of feeling, and a combination of these often leads to irrationality. Anyone that has larger forms of anxiety knows that, BIG TIME.

Now, I'm not retracting the fact that I was hurt by what happened, or that I'm glad I distanced myself from Juice. I'm simply saying that you can't crucify someone for my account of what happened between me and a friend. Brandon and I were more than friends--we were brothers. Things like this happen between family members. And my posting about it here was not supposed to be an avenue for people to USE it to shame him, or represent him as a bad person.

Regardless of my intentions, after taking a step back I KNOW how this will be used. And I've been shaking ever since I posted it because I hurt someone I care very deeply about, no matter what. And I can't take it back.

But we can. Let's fucking stop being so petty. Half of the people that followed me because of the popularity of that tweet followed because they thought I'd be spewing further slander about brandon. That's cruel, and malicious. If you don't like a community member, feel free to not watch or support them. But to demonize, hurt, and destroy that person is LOW.

Lassiz spoke very openly and insightfully about professionalism yesterday, and we ate it up. But my posting that was not professional, and to say I support his message and display it as proudly as I did on my stream and in my words, and to then go and write that post was hypocritical. Although I saw that post as some great triumph for myself, I neglected to realize how entirely FALSIFIED it was.

Dmbrandon is not a villain. I fed into some bullshit and wrote about my last experience with him out of context because I was hurting. It was petty of me, and I feel horrible about doing it.

Diem approached me shortly after this post was made. Although I portrayed him as someone entirely volatile, who threatened me when I went against him, I was lying. The dmbrandon I know spoke to me. He didn't even fucking blame me for the post. He wanted to explain himself and to even further know where all my hurt was coming from. He explained that he was, as he even APOLOGIZED (something I hate admitting he felt the need to do, because I'M the one that needs to apologize) for, becoming desensitized to my needs. Brandon served as a fucking caretaker to me, for years. He was more than a brother--he literally saved my life several times. And because I became a boy who cried wolf, because I kept bringing up my problems without ever seeking the right help, he made the mistake of mistaking my incident before worlds as another one of my fits.

This is because brandon is not a medical professional. He's not a superhero, or a fucking saint, or anything of the things that I EXPECTED him to be. He was just a caring friend, and a brother to me. What happened to me that day was ON ME. He didn't know that I would literally have a life-endangering experience over not being able to bring my girlfriend with me to worlds. Who the fuck would?

I feel a lot more reasonable right now, and I need you to understand that that story was taken out of context. I didn't explain the countless times that brandon stayed up past 4 in the morning to help me over breakdowns I was having over NOTHING. I didn't explain how he literally rescued me from an abusive relationship going on in my home. I didn't talk about how he was the one responsible for me being together with my girlfriend Jenn today, because he gave me the confidence to make that relationship work, and talked me out of breaking things off due to irrational thoughts I've had in the past.

If nothing else, take this away from this tweet:
That story was selfish. It did not at all paint an accurate picture of my experience with dmbrandon. And it did not at all consider that there are MANY people that will maliciously choose to use that portrayal as a weapon against him. It was written out of hurt, and spite, for a situation that I completely misunderstood, and blamed someone very close to me for, instead of considering the real problem. So please, don't ignorantly blame brandon for what happened to me. Be better than that.

Reply · Report Post