Why frustration has gotten to me over the past few days, and why its not okay
I thought it might be a good idea to address the current issue of "Toxic-shard" before things got a bit out of hand, although I fear it may already have considering the lovely tweets I've been recieving.
Since arriving at the G2 house, I managed to fix all my coaching essentials very quickly, leaving me with a lot of free time to do.. kind of whatever. So I decided, hey, why not soloq and stream, right? Thats fun, right?
Over the past few days, it has been a real internal struggle for me to come to terms with a very blatant and uncomfortable fact: I am not good enough to play professionally. If I was I wouldn't have failed so often. I don't really know how to explain the thought process behind that, but having a competitive drive in you is like a fire doused in gasoline its really hard to put out, and over the past few days playing soloq and streaming has done nothing but ignite those flames.
I'll go on to say this; I am no saint. I'm not some perfect harbringer of peace and love and the nicest guy possible. No chance in hell. I was on the verge of a permaban right before DB qualified into LCS, and one of the rioters sat me down and explained that i needed to turn this around. It's been a really long time since this ''side'' of me has sort of resurfaced. It kinda sucks, I know, i was having a pretty easy time suppressing it throughout the COL era and even unto the CW era, but once all that ended and I got back into playing Soloq a lot... the ''suppression'' per say kinda went to shit.
Yeah I'm a bit of a dick. I frustrate really easily in soloq and I say some things that I shouldn't. I wont sit here and justify the clearly obvious fact that the reddit post currently sitting on the front page accuses me of doing things which are far worse than what is being presented, but right now theres a bit of chaos going around so a ''voice of reason'' won't be heard. Community wants blood, so they'll get it.
I'm not good enough to play competitive league, and since I haven't really been able to come to terms with that, i'm still an ultra-competitive player in soloq. I take harsh criticism on a daily basis for where I'm from and what I believe in, and get spat on for the unfortunate events that have happened to me in the past. Everything coupled together kind of brings out a side of me that I don't like seeing, and often enough I find myself backtracking and having to delete comments that I have typed out. You see them happening on stream often but I assure you, unfortunatey, I really try hard to backtrack and avoid typing the truly hurtful words, but they slip out a bit.
TL;DR: I'm bad at the game, and should stop being so competitive in soloq, ultra-competitive side hasn't died so frustrations bend out of control and make it difficult to be super positive.
I'm sorry that I let people down with this but give it some time, and I'll change and adapt. I always have.