I'm basically done with B.A.P oneshots. I'm tired of putting in 100% of my effort and getting barely 50% back. I no longer love it and I'm just so done. I used to love writing but now it's just something I have to pump out daily or once every two days, and that is no longer enjoyable. But I still love to write. I'm so freaking torn because I want to keep writing but I don't know if I can handle the volume anymore. I think I'm going to be more selective with my requests, and just go with my inspirations. I've met a lot of nice people but people fade, and then busy lives consume and it's okay. It's okay until requests open and I'm flooded with people again and it's like oh so now you have the time to venture onto the blog and click the ask button?
It's gone on long enough and I know myself that my writing has been lacking. It's a lack of passion and a lack of care. I no longer care about making people happy. The whole point is to finish the effing request list so that I can start anew (and start the cycle of torture all over but who cares). People, when they used to tell me how I did, was valuable because it helped me gauge what I'm doing. And now, I just don't care. If you don't like it, you're not telling me. I wouldn't know. If you do like it, good for you. I don't know either. I'm losing my touch and I'm losing my sanity and it's unfair to bring it out upon innocent people.
People say things like "leaving the fandom." While I will always support B.A.P (I think) I no longer know how I can contribute to the fandom when I don't feel like writing anymore. Everything about B.A.P has now been dulled and I don't know. I'm hoping the one week where I don't need to really write (and even then I'm already planning the next one) will clear my head. But I really would like you guys to read this so maybe you can understand my frustrations a little. This blog is a two-way deal. And when it becomes just me giving, soon the relationship will die (just like some that I valued).
Sorry for being annoying and ranting, ranting but I need to get it off my chest. And if you disagree with me, that's fine too. You're not the one writing stories for people who seem to think that you're a fanfic churning machine.

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