unlearning · @exoneratecl
28th Jun 2014 from TwitLonger
iii. mind heist {kai/luhan}
There are three instances wherein Jongin felt his heart skip a beat or three. The first was when he waited with bated breath after he told Luhan "I love you", watched the gradual curve in Luhan’s lips until they set free the same three words plus one. The second was when a medic told him over the phone that Luhan had been in an accident. The third was when Luhan told him, no evidence of jest on his face, that he wasn't the Kim Jongin Luhan knows. It's like Luhan's mind had been hijacked before he was discharged, but the only thing stolen was his memory of Jongin. Luhan wouldn't let Jongin touch him, keeps him at bay like Jongin's some sort of infectious disease, detrimental to his being. In place of trust and warmth and familiar affections there are only cold suspicions warranted by a nemesis. Jongin sometimes wonders if he'd be better off had Luhan treated him as a complete stranger instead, because it rends his heart in countless unequal pieces when Luhan calls him names nobody's even attempted before: imposter, a fake. Luhan thinks that Jongin is someone not-Jongin wearing a masque—an actor with a Jongin-esque persona executing a grand performance. Jongin’s pleas fall on ears made deaf by delusion, bounce off of a heart made intractable by unbelief. The Jongin Luhan sees, perceives is merely a copy of Jongin, inauthentic and a poor excuse of the real one, the one Luhan remembers and cares for and loves. And that, of all things tragic and unfair, is what tramples on Jongin's heart until it forgets to function, just like the part of Luhan's brain that had always preserved Jongin. But Jongin still prays nightly for a miracle, for the resurrection of his self in Luhan’s mind.