I am writing this because I can't do it anymore. I'm living a lie. My days and nights are consumed with thinking about you and remembering all the times we spent together. Every song on the radio is another painful reminder of how I threw away the best thing I ever had all for the chance of winning some money. I now realize that I sacraficed one dream for the possibility of money, and I've never made such an awful decision. I threw away everything we ever had for the chance to win money. People ask me about my biggest regret in the game and I always answer some game related answer about I shoulda did this or I shoulda did that. What I always want to tell them though is that I regret throwing away the love I had with you, just to try to better myself in the game. Every day I feel more and more miserable thinking about you. I know what love is. I know that I love you. I used to say I loved one other person before you but I know now that the only person I've ever loved is you. I know I'm a piece of shit and I know how horrible I am and its something I'm going to have to live with forever. It kills me to know how much I hurt someone I love.
I keep trying to push it down and forget it but I can't, I'm still in love with you.
I know we have been through all this before and I know that I suck. But I learned something from big brother. I learned that money can't buy happiness. Even if I did win the game I would still be miserable without you. If I could go back and had a choice of dreams I wanted fufilled I would pick the dream of a future with you. I can't stop thinking about getting married to you and raising your babies. I'm miserable... The therapist said she has never seen someone be depressed on tv, in front of cameras, or just in general while filming a tv show. I was the first. She then went onto tell me that I should talk to you as soon as I get out of the house. She realized that the reason I would go into depression in the house is because I was remourseful and regretful of the choices I made concerning you. She knew that I was still In love with you.
I couldn't stop crying today because I missed you...I just want to hear your voice. I spent New Years with Janelle and her husband. They told me the story of how they got together. They dated when they were in their twenties and then her husband fucked everything up and they broke up. 8 years later they reconnected and eventually got married. I know you are not like that and I know its not the same but just hearing that gave me this odd glimmer of hope. And I know its not real hope or anything cause you despise me. But its the hope I need right now cause I can't do this anymore... I don't want to be here. I dont want to be without you. I'm in actual love with you. I don't want to wait 8 years for us to reconnect or something. I want to be with you forever. I want to quit my job and go into hiding. I want to get 8 jobs just so I can afford to live by you and not have to travel. I want to wake up ever morning next to you and I want you to be the last thing I see before I go to sleep every night. And believe me I know you are reading this and saying “ yeah well fuck you mccrae” and you very well have the right. But I really do want you to know that Im so sorry for the things ive done but Im still in love with you and I can't get over it.
I know I have said “ im so sorry I regret what I did” over and over again and its not really fair to you. But I went through something tramatic. We all went through something tramatic. Being there makes you appreciate the ones you love so much more. My family dynamic has changed a lot. I feel like I want to be around them more then I ever do my friends. And the same goes for you. I realize the love you gave me and the way I didn't reciprocate that love. And as soon as I got out I was awestruck and overwhelmed with it all. I now know that I'm miserable now because I'm in love with you and it's no longer coming back to me from you. There is that song that goes “love isn't always on time” and thats the way I feel about our situation. I would do anything to come back and I would move mountains for another try. I know its too much to ask. But have you felt that pang of heartache when you see the cover to the movie Scrooged or felt that sinking spot in your stomache when listening to gambino? Have you felt that emptyness that something isn't right or this isn't the way its supposed to be? Every little thing reminds me of you somehow and its not just a material thing that holds a memory we've had together. I somehow always find a way to relate anything im looking at, to you.
I'm done being stupid and I'm done being a child. I want to be an adult. I don't ever want to do these things to you again. I want to be the person im supposed to be. I want to treat you right. I want to treat you the way you need to be treated. I want to put you before myself. I want to try one more time. I want to work my way back. Gah....