[TW for obvious reasons]

I want to make something clear: I am not a sexual predator. I went over this once vaguely when I was on Tumblr, so this isn't a 'recent' explanation. I'd appreciate if you read this through to the end, because it is important.

I don't say this to try and re-establish any friendships that I have lost through this, nor do I say it to imply this was the other person's fault, nor do I want people to "turn against" him or claim that this wasn't a bad experience for him; I say it to point out that given the information I had, It appeared to me, at the time, that this was a mutually consensual act until after it was over.

In August I met with someone I knew online with whom, for three months prior, multiple conversations of mutual sexual interest were exchanged. The first time I went to meet him, I had a series of panic attacks and had to call off the visit. The second time, the same happened, but I tried to push past these feelings & convince myself that things would be alright. What I should have done was do what I did the first time: get off the train and buy a ticket to go home before I got to the meeting place.

This person, close to when the event happened, said to me that they were unsure, which I related to, so I said "If anything happens that you're not comfortable with, tell me and I'll stop", to which he replied "Yeah, I know you're okay". In retrospect, I get that it could have been an implication of dismissal (and in future, that's what I'll take anything similar as), but that's what was laid down.

The reason this is important is because when it actually came to the event itself, there were no instances in which the other person said they didn't want to do things. There were a few moments in which the person spoke of discomfort, at which point I stopped, asked if he was alright, and the only thing he said was for me to change position, which I did immediately. Not only was there a lack of dismissal, but during the event, this person repeatedly said "yes" throughout and told me that what I was doing felt good. After this person had reached orgasm on top of me, I asked "Is it alright if I carry on?" and they said "yes".

After the event happened, he told me that I had hurt him and Immediately I felt guilty, because the last thing I wanted to do was cause him harm (but I had, and that's not anything I've ever tried to dismiss). Due to the fact he wasn't saying anything to me, I was left to make assumptions on what had happened and why he didn't say anything about it during the event and what I came to was that he was too scared to say anything, a concern I expressed to my partner at the time.

The next morning we spoke it over and I apologised; he told me that we should move on and try to forget about it. We had already arranged to spend the second night at his friend's house, but I asked him if he would feel more comfortable if I went home during the day rather than spend another night, but he encouraged me to spend the night at the friend's house.

When we got to this friend's house I had a panic attack, due to being in an unfamiliar place and he spoke with me for a few hours to get me out of it. We talked about various things and eventually the discussion turned to what had happened the night before; that's when he told me clearly, for the first time, that he had dissociated during it. Again, this scared me because I didn't ever want to cause something like that to happen, but he reassured me that it was a mistake and that we simply weren't compatible, and I had to agree.

The next day, things felt better and I was glad that there was no longer a sexual element to our friendship. He saw me to the bus stop, hugged me smiled and exchanged jokes with me like the day before. We stayed texting once I'd got on the train and been home for a day; even when we were separated by hundreds of miles, he still stayed friendly with me.

Three days before the incident happened, I went to the STD clinic to get tested to make sure I didn't have anything. The nurses told me that results would be back with me within three days (and if they didn't get back to me during that time, things would be fine), but they got back to me on the monday evening, which was five days, to tell me I had an infection.

I went to the clinic to ask if, given what happened, there would be a chance it could have been transmitted, as it was an oral infection (i.e. my genitals weren't infected) and we used protection otherwise. Then I phoned him and explained the information regarding the time I was supposed to have been informed of this, before saying that it's important that he got tested, to which I got a text from him telling me not to talk to him, which I didn't. It was from there that he began making accusations.

That is the clearest way I can explain what happened. I have spent the months since looking at all of its aspects, as well as being in therapy sorting out my own PTSD and BPD, to make sure of what to avoid in future. In other words, I've done these things:

• Removed myself from my creative aliases and not set up any new ones (because this person found me through my work originally and I realise now that my online presentation is probably more stable than my real life)

• Decided to never meet people I'm not 100% comfortable with (and distance myself from online friendships/relationships in general)

• To not be in a sexual relationship/have casual sex. If I do have sex at some point in future it would only be after establishing a sturdy, healthy, emotional relationship with someone for an extended period of time, and it would only be after they have suggested it to me.

• To not look for any relationships at all until my mental health issues are properly sorted out (through the series of courses I have already been in since September).


You can view this incident and me whichever way you feel like and if you still don't want to be a friend of mine, then that's your choice and I respect that - in fact, I encourage people to distance themselves from me if they know me through the internet, as I clearly do not function well in those kinds of friendships/relationships. But be aware of the fact that there was poor communication (on both sides) and that I understand why this affected the other person incredibly badly; that if I knew how he actually felt at the time and if I knew I had an infection, I would not have gone through with any of it. I never wanted to cause anybody any harm and never want to cause anybody any harm again. That doesn't detract from the gravity of the incident in any way, but I made very bad mistakes, not an assault, and will never let an incident like this one repeat itself.

I am leaving this here as a clear, public description of my experience, then I will be logging off and you will not have to hear from me again, because I will not be coming back and I will make no attempt to contact any of you.

Thank you.

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